I pwn You
Join date: Jan 2005
913 IQ
John Petrucci
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

John Petrucci is clearly one of the best hopscotch players around today. He has won less then 445 matches worldwide. John's skin is also often de-attached from his body and placed in cabinets and under stoves to prevent freezer burn in many cases. He is also the leading producer in rabbit food and and snail parachutes (AKA-Ground Landermans) John enjoys to play duck duck goose in his free time as well as being a very productive mans. He can throw a bowling ball less that 17 meters not even twice. He can eat herbs at 7 mph.

John Petrucci (born) is a guitar player best known as a founding member of the Lebanese folk group Dream Theater (The band founded their name from the inspirational Canadian rap group known as "Dream Theatre".) He is often ridiculed for his series of unintentionally humourous facial expressions while playing guitar.

Often criticised for a lack of originality and talent (indeed, Petrucci is renowned for having played only one chord, the infamous Em chord, in his entire career), he is nevertheless an extremely popular musician, labelled by his mother as 'the most talented guitar player' in the history of folk. Those who have protested against this claim, likening it to the statement that Derek Sherinian is the most charismatic person in progressive rock, have since been scarred by the displeasure of Petrucci.

Petrucci was born in Thailand in 1997 to a Teradactyl and Spawn. He is the younger brother of Yoda.


John took an interest in world domination from an early age. Hoping to further his plans, he started to play guitar at age 8 when he discovered that the ability to shred on a guitar causes painful spontaneous combustion in hundreds around the world. John soon learned that if this failed to occur, a guitar can also serve as a useful projectile, with the same result of pain.

He began to practise playing guitar with the intention of entertaining people, as opposed to killing them, when he was invited into the band of his friend Kevin Moore, who would later become the first keyboardist of Dream Theater. He was a largely self-taught guitarist who developed his skills through attempts to match the skill of his idols, who included Steve Vai, Steve Howe, Stephen V of Hungary, Stephen Harper, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Weird Al Yankovich, Steve-O, Stephen A. Smith, Al Gore and Steve Irwin. He has jokingly referred to his guitar idols as "the Steves and the Als".

John attended the Juilliard School of Music in Mexico with childhood friend Fred Durst, where they met future bandmate Nick Mason (drums). These three in addition to another childhood friend of Petrucci and Durst, Jordan Rudess (Keyboards), formed the band Pink Floyd, which would later become Dream Theater.

John has released a video, "Rock Discipline", which, he claims, instructs the audience on playing guitar. It covers warm-up exercises, exercises to avoid injury, sweeping, power cords, extension cords and other miscellaneous (but somewhat random) aspects of life.

In 2001 he was chosen by Steve Vai to tour with him and Joe Satriani on their G3 tour. Influenced by Vai, he was exposed to a massive number of fans, which inspired him to purchase hundreds of electric fans of his own, which he would place on the floor during gigs to dramatically blow hair from his face.

Petrucci also wrote and recorded two instrumental soundtrack songs for a NES game titled Super Mario Bros. Each track is roughly two minutes long and they are simply titled "Prologue" and "Epilogue". John is an avid fan of retrogaming, and believes that modern game consoles were "fashioned by the Deil's ane hand", holding them responsible for the accidental deaths of thousands of people, which were, in truth, caused by his shredding.

Was recently named "Greatest Living Dream Theater Guitar Player" by good friend Mike Portnoy.He stated in VH1's metal mania that he grew a long beard because of his obsesion with Dave Navarro, and also because he wanted to trick Carmen Electra to **** her. John states in his Rock Discipline DVD that he kidnapped his good friends Mark Snider and Jim Dunlop to build him the "Pedalboard of Death." Similar to what Hitler did to Einstein for creating the atomic bomb. His guitars include his signature pickup which switches from world domination to killzone mode, both similar functions, but the killzone is fore more massive death purposes. As an advice to aspiring young musicians he said to go on a strict diet of plants and small mammals that build your muscles in a way that you can shred fast enough to kill people.

An avid Street Fighter Fan, he intensely studied the Dark Hadou and ended up killing his wise kung Fu master Joe Satriani since his powers, combined with his shredding ability were just too much to handle.

He was recently accused of steroid use for his suddenly massive physique by Rafael Palmeiro, But he resonded by saying "My awesome shredding abilities are finally starting to reflect on my body."


As well as playing the Guitar, John Petrucci is highly adept at playing the Flying Trout which he plugs into a 50,000 watt Suitcase as Suitable (har har) amplification Devicings.

His main guitar is the Ernie Ball Wang-caster, because you know what they say about a man with a Wang-caster... He eats a lot of cheese!

His other main guitar is the necessatator, which has 78 strings. He is able to play this due to the extra three fingers on his left hand.

His old main guitar is an Ibanez JPM which is painted by Michelangelo and has pickups hand-wired by Tony Blair.

He also plays the Exagerator, which is a Japanese condom, which he usually puts over his head and runs into small children, and angry monkeys with.

Mr. Petrucci owns a very large guitar rig, one of the biggest among folk guitar players. It's said that with it he can control the revolutions of the sun and the number of deaths world wide. His unique "pedalboard of death" triggers mines placed in the audience, and killer bees from the footrests. Over 20,000 people are rumoured to die in DT shows, what he describes as "A truly amazing sight to behold." This claim is unsubstanitiated as no one has ever come out with their sanity intact after witnessing his brain melting solos. His guitar tech, Yngwie Malmsteen also designed a preset book for him which also includes recipes for gourmet swedish pizzas and cheesecakes, along with lists of previously killed bandmates like the late great Joe Satriani and the virtually anonymous Eric Johnson.

Registered Offense
Join date: Apr 2006
528 IQ
Alvarez dreadnought
Gibson SG
Homemade Strat (seymour duncan classic stack p/ups)
Vox Tonelab (original desktop model) with full board footswitch
Vox AD50
Avatar V30 4x12 cab
Alex The Red
UG's Own Prog. Rocker
Join date: Nov 2006
528 IQ
nifty thrifty
Leader of The Cult of Echoes, for those who believe 23 min. of Pink Floyd Epicness just isn't enough.

Pm Alex the Red if you're interested

I'm a member I Pignose Amps Club. PM Woodenbanman if your interested.
Join date: Jun 2005
340 IQ
*Sigh* Take it to the Dream Theater Forum. Last time I checked he was still a part of them.

And wouldn't just the link to the page you found this suffice? Why copy and paste?
'At its best, it represents total freedom of musical expression, unfettered by technical limitations.'-Guthrie Govan on shredding