#1
A little longer than the other sections, but I'm sure you can handle it. As before, previous sections are linked:

Section 1
Section 2


***
“Ahh,” I call out to the nurse, half expecting her not to react after the mental lashing I had given her earlier. Wait, she couldn’t hear those.

“Ohh yes, that must be tender, uh,” she claims, stammering over from whatever she was doing, in an almost awkward fashion. This actually made ‘it’ move a little. “Would you like a new bandage on that or something, honey?”

“Umm, sure.” I was speechless, but only in a verbal way. Right now would’ve been a perfect time for a half smart-ass, half sarcastic blurt, possibly describing the size of her tits, the lustiness of her eyes, or the incredible urgency she should have to want to “jump my bones” at this very minute. But I had nothing. There she went, walking off with my old bandage and gauze, soon to arrive with fresh ones. And soon another possibility would be missed by the lack of my brain being able to fire the correct neurons for my tongue and mouth to relay. Shit, able to fire anything for that matter. I tense up as she begins to arrive.

“I really like how that skirt of yours really shows….I mean, exudes the….”

“You needn’t try and flatter me, Mr. Zeller. I’m a nurse. It’s my job to make my patients feel right at home,” even though sadly this was probably better than home. I felt it move again slightly, as she began to run her hand along my pectorals, in route to my wound. It certainly wasn’t a natural motion for her left hand to make while applying gauze, so for that I felt slightly privileged. I also felt slight relief, strangely, that I wouldn’t have to try and fumble around with ridiculous and embarrassing one-liners anymore. I had broken the ice.

“What’s your name?” I say, feeding off of my new found confidence. I noticed her face was quite youthful for her age, even though it was somehow obvious that she was at least ten years my elder.

“Charlotte,” she says, in the softness of the Charmin tissue against my side. I hardly even heard her name, as she slowly rose from her crouched position, her green and hazel eyes piercing deep within the untapped chambers of my soul. I was in love.

“Come on, lets get you checked out of her,” she says, now smiling, which made her eyes squish up into little oriental slits. She wasn’t oriental.

Hearing that, I was a little shocked or maybe just a little hesitant to get up, as she says, “Your wound was just a glancing blow, Mr. Zeller. It missed all of the vital organs. You are free to go.”

This confused me. For one, I didn’t want to go home, actually was kind of starting to get comfortable with this place, if you hadn’t noticed. As I climbed from out of my bed, I looked down and realized that it was indeed a glancing blow, and though it did hurt, I can only imagine how much worse it would hurt had it penetrated deeper into my side.

“Easy now,” she says, as she guides me up, though I hardly need it. I had to resist the urge to give her a hug, right then and there.

“Won’t the police want to question me or something? I mean, come on, I got shot, for Christ sakes,” I claim, as I climb into the wheel chair she has promptly set before me. My excitement rose even more, for this would be a joy ride I hadn’t ever, to my knowledge, experienced before in my life. And “it” moved again.

“There are two of them waiting down in the lobby. And you should also probably have someone in mind to call and pick you up, when you get down there.” These two comments made me a little nervous, and I don’t know why. I hadn’t any warrants out for my arrest or anything, not even any unpaid parking tickets. So it was probably because I couldn’t come up with anyone off hand that I could call, much less that had a car. And worst of all, the excitement for the wheelchair ride had been tarnished.

And “it” slithered back to its original position.

Arriving in the lobby, Charlotte and I had exchanged very few words on the way down from the third floor. Although there was much reluctance, I simply had little to say.

“Good morning, Marty,” one of the officers said, as they were walking towards me. Marty was my first name.

“When you’re all finished up, we have a few questions we’d like to ask you about that incident last night,” one says, as I look at the other one who I could tell was a rookie, possibly in training, for he looked to have no intention of saying anything.

I nodded, and after filling out the necessary paper work, I would soon be in the hands of the authorities. But I didn’t leave without saying a few more words to Charlotte. Here’s how that went down:

“So,” I say.

“So,” she says, but with a smile.

“You have to go do some more work now, eh?” She nods, as she looks to the ground, and kicks an imaginary stone, while her hands are clasped behind her back.

“Well, if I am ever in the area again, maybe I could give you a call,” I say, which was stupid because this WAS my area.

“Okay, that’d be nice,” she says, and gives me a hug that was slightly awkward, mostly because there were two officers standing only ten feet away. And like that she was leaving, back to her world of endless comforting and nourishing, with only one look back from her on the way through the doors; to show, I guess, that she did give a shit.

But there was one small problem. I didn’t get her ****ing number! I almost ran after her, but the awkwardness that already consumed the situation stopped me. I’m such a moron.

I turn to my new friends in blue, who had been patiently waiting throughout my activities. At this point in time, they were the last people I felt like seeing, much less talking to. So out we step into the entrance way of the hospital, while I……wait; there was one thing that happened in the lobby that I forgot to mention. I called my friend (and I use that word rather lightly) Jeb to come and pick me up. Here’s how that conversation went:

Ringing….

“Yep,” Jeb says.

“Hey Jeb? This is Marty.”

“Oh, hey man. Ouch, what the ****!”

“You alright, man? What’s going on over there?” I say.

“Nothing man, just in the middle of….ouch! **** lady, pinch me again, and see if I pay you nothing! ****! So, what you want?”

“Umm, I was just wondering if you could pick me up from the hospital, St Peters?”

“Yeah, uhh, what the **** you doing there?”

“Long story. I’ll explain later. But can you-.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just give me…..an hour, alright?”

“Thanks man.”

“Alright bitch, get your shit and get the fu….”

Click.
Last edited by streetcarp19 at Dec 24, 2006,
#3
haha, man, not bad at all, i'm not usually into these kind of things, stories and all, the only ones i've read willingly are the ones ive got in school, so you get a cookie for getting me interested in the first place seeing as i prefer poems, prose and the like. There's a few spelling errors that are probably just from your typing it. I love your illusion of "it" that has a meaning so obvious it's almost juvenile, but it fits in well with the whole "im in love" thing. Some of the wording and vocabulary is kind of boring though, maybe work a bit on it. Also, how you've put it in first person, I've seen a lot of first person stories where the character is, well, out of character, but you've made the thoughts, and mannerisms of a young man very well. I think that's about it. I'd appreciate you dropping me a crit on the new work I've got down in my sig.

EDIT: I jsut read your other parts, i'm not gonna giv ea crit on them, but i can tell yo right now i'm in love with this story haha
Last edited by AAA_the_band at Dec 24, 2006,
#4
Haha, kinda strange how you give updates on "it" through out the piece. I liked this intallment, and I look forward to reading the next one.
#5
Hahaha. Gold.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
Thanks guys....I like how everyone of your reactions started with "haha"....so I guess my goal of combining some humor with drama is kind of working. And don't worry, some drama will come, but in littler doses that the humor.
#8
Ok, first of all thaks for that crit on my song... Second, there's a typo in the 8th paragraph ("checked out of her" instead of "here")... Third, I haven't read the other parts but i loved this one and here's my crit:

I don't have too much to say, you're a really good writer, but i'll say something about a line i read i can't find it now, but it says that you had to stop yourself from hugging the nurse, i just hate the way hug sounds just like that, maybe it's just me, but it doesnt quite fit, so what if you say something like put my arm around or grab her.. or something, i don't know

And i love the phone call to Jeb, the ending made me laugh...