#1
Crit4Crit (EDITED)
This is way different from what I usually do, I feel really uncomfortable posting this. As of right now it's not finished, and I wrote all of it in about an hour, if it's worth it I'll re-write it and finish it. (about half is OTS)

And so you know who's talking (in stanza below the dates)
Bold=the boy(couldn't be more obvious who that is)
Default font=the girl
Italic=thoughts


"Every Last Word" (Part 1)

Every thought of her name
strains my emotions until
the void fills it self
until there's something else
besides what I'm missing

8/4/2006

"C'mon please come swimming with me."
"I don't know I might be doing something,
I think I'm hanging out with Jordan today."

"I want you to go I want to see you."
"I know I want to see you to but..."
"Pwease Kyle."
I hate it when she begs, *sigh*
"I guess I could go."

Every conversation is recorded in my mind
Every scene is a snapshot stuck in my mind
And I can't leave old memories behind

11/4/2005

"Let's turn...right."
"Where are we going?"
"You'll see it's not far from here."
"Ha, seriously where are we going?"
"Hmm..someplace private, remember
that one place, we're we did you know what."
"You mean the tunnel
under the bridge in the park
is that where were going"

"Yep"
I can tell by her smile
that this is gonna be a fun night
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 5, 2007,
#4
Before anyone points it out, I know there's very little (if any) imagery, also I think I need to develope the conversation parts a little more.
#5
I really like this especially in the way that its set up. It easily keeps my attention. The only part I don't like is the "this could prove to be an interesting night" line at the end. I just don't like the sound of that...it seems to differ with the mood of the rest of it. I don't know why but this is very neat. I love the dialog.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=497187
#6
Quote by stratkat
Before anyone points it out, I know there's very little (if any) imagery, also I think I need to develope the conversation parts a little more.

Spot on. But that isn't always necessary. I think you main problem was emo cliches; they littered the first stanza, i had literally heard every line a thousand times before. Also, you're right, you need to develop the conversation into something more poetic. It's sort of too obvious that these conversations have taken place... too colloquial in that the tone of them doesn't fit with the poetic tone of the first stanza.
#8
Yes Strat, it's the conversation that desperately needs more work, because I'm pretty convinced everyday conversations aren't that basic. Go read more, it will defiitely help that aspect.

Other than that and as caz has pinted out, the rather clilche opener, this was a nice break from some of your usual stuff but you could still tell it was you. Wich is good, I suppose.

If you could, the one in my sig. Cheers.
#9
Thanks for the crits

I made some changes. I changed the intro, I made the dialogue a little bit more detailed, not much better though, and I added a tiny bit of imagery.
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 5, 2007,
#10
Every thought of her name
strains my emotions until
the void fills it self
until there's something else
besides what I'm missing

8/4/2006 - this is a nice start...it's a little vague but i like it

"C'mon please come swimming with me."
"I don't know I might be doing something,
I think I'm hanging out with Jordan today."
"I want you to go I want to see you."
"I know I want to see you to but..."
"Pwease Kyle."
I hate it when she begs, *sigh*
"I guess I could go."

- i'd have to hear this to comment

Every conversation is recorded in my mind
Every scene is a snapshot stuck in my mind
And I can't leave old memories behind

11/4/2005 - forced...repetitive

"Let's turn...right."
"Where are we going?"
"You'll see it's not far from here."
"Ha, seriously where are we going?"
"Hmm..someplace private, remember
that one place, we're we did you know what."
"You mean the tunnel
under the bridge in the park
is that where were going"
"Yep"
I can tell by her smile
that this is gonna be a fun night

- on the whole, the song doesn't progress very much...i liked the beginning the most

cheers, d
#11
Most stuff i would say has already been said.

The ending seems a bit quick/sudden in my opinion.
Last edited by StonaLemons at Jan 5, 2007,
#12
Posted by Dee rok
- on the whole, the song doesn't progress very much...i liked the beginning the most

SONG! I'm sorry but that kinda gets to me, I mean how could a song have thoughts, different voices, and dates in it. Please take a better look at my piece before you give a crit. THIS IS A

POEM
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 5, 2007,