#1
he's just a little bit off
a little bit lost inside the shuffle
holding hands and betting houses
knowing full well of the cost
he's more than just a little bit cavalier
when rolling against his home

it was a little bit scary
to see his eyes burning a subtle glance
toward his hand but only for a moment
just before he threw his life
into the middle of a game of chance
#2
Quote by dee rok
he's just a little bit off
a little bit lost inside the shuffle
holding hands and betting houses
knowing full well of the cost
he's more than just a little bit cavalier
when rolling against his home
i really like that rhyme of off to lost in the first two rhymes the way it sits in there and i think thatl make the cost in 4 a lot cooler too

it was a little bit scary
to see his eyes burning a subtle glance
toward his hand but only for a moment
just before he threw his life
into the middle of a game of chance
cool. ya pretty simple and straight forward nothing wrong here really

ya i definitly really like this. my favorite thing here is that it looks written to be sung not just to try to be peotic like most of the good writing on here is, but it still has a good idea behind it and its caried out really well so i think this would be really cool once it gets put to music (if you do). ya the one thing i would really criticize was that i think you tried a little to hard on that gambling metaphor in a few spots, not a big deal tho. ya anyway this is really the kind of writing that i like and i think its awesome
dont like feel obligated or anything but if you want to crit my new song its in my sig (the new one) and i could use some crits and stuff. thanks
#3
Quote by dee rok
he's just a little bit off
a little bit lost inside the shuffle
holding hands and betting houses
knowing full well of the cost
he's more than just a little bit cavalier
when rolling against his home

it was a little bit scary
to see his eyes burning a subtle glance
toward his hand but only for a moment
just before he threw his life
into the middle of a game of chance

Wow... what can i say...

I really loved that...I believe it was perfect..i dont have much to crit bout it...but, i believe this would make a great chorus for a whole sonmg

check mine if you get a chance please
#4
thanks for the nice remarks...i'll check yours out this evening

cheers, d
#5
he's just a little bit off
a little bit lost inside the shuffle
holding hands and betting houses
knowing full well of the cost
he's more than just a little bit cavalier
when rolling against his home

it was a little bit scary
to see his eyes burning a subtle glance
toward his hand but only for a moment
just before he threw his life
into the middle of a game of chance

Haha that was quite excellent, it just captured the moment quite well, I guess I would have liked to see some more detail. About the people about the room, about the smoke rings, and wrinkled hands. If you were to take this anywhere thats my advice. But taking it as it is, its great, nice work.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.