#1
The table’s turnin’,
A new wind’s gonna blow.
The fire ain’t burnin’,
Like it used to burn before.

Your touch is changin’,
So’s the look in your eyes.
It’s all rearrangin’,
No matter how hard we try…

CHORUS
There was a time,
When you and I,
We pulled it off,
It all seemed right.

Oh but now it’s changed,
We don’t feel the same,
You don’t care anymore,
When you hear my name.

Yeah, now it’s done for sure, ooooooh,
My heart don’t beat for you anymore…



I'm not quite finished, but I thought I'd take crits before I continued Tell me what ya think, and please be brutally honest, cause in the long run, being totally wicked will only help me Thanks everyone!
cHEER uP, eMO kiD!
#2
just a side note... too many smileys... anyways, It seems a bit cliche... I have to ask because it directly relates to the way I crit this... Is this going to be a country song? or better question still, what style of music?
#4
Seems really cliche to me. Everything is really generic, another love song.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#5
I figured it was country... well get ready for the cliche crits... everything country is about love, loss and beer and is cliche... That being said I happen to like country so I will not call your piece cliche...

The table’s turnin’,
A new wind’s gonna blow.
The fire ain’t burnin’,
Like it used to burn before.

semi rhyme here with line 2 and 4... would be fine however, your other verse is a true rhyme so it could work with the proper slang and matching pitches in your voice but maybe take line 4 and tweak it to rhyme a little better... (or change your rhyme scheme... I will admit that the ABAB rhyme is way too common and you hardly ever see it in any songs on the radio.... just a thought though)

Your touch is changin’,
So’s the look in your eyes.
It’s all rearrangin’,
No matter how hard we try…

Better rhyming in this stanza... but see my first comment for the rest of my explanation on this verse.... ; )

CHORUS
There was a time,
When you and I,
We pulled it off,
It all seemed right.

you change rhyme patterns here.... dunno if that was intentional however, you might want to leave it cause somehow it seems to work....

Oh but now it’s changed,
We don’t feel the same,
You don’t care anymore,
When you hear my name.

once again a whole new rhyme pattern... ABAA is what you have here... ABAB is your verse and your chorus is ABCD (even though D is a semi rhyme with A in the chorus once again that sort of depends on your accent.... I'm a texas boy so it rhymes good when I say it aloud but I've got a southern draw so a northerner might not see it the same)

Yeah, now it’s done for sure, ooooooh,
My heart don’t beat for you anymore…

save this line for the very end of the song... you need some more body to the entire thing but this is your catch line and if you use it too much you will lose your effect....


overall It's not the most original thing I have ever read but it will make a good country song upon completion.... I'll look for you to repost a completed version in the future...
crit4crit? link in sig
#6
Quite Frankly, I Give this piece of advice, Don't listen to people whose use the words cliche`. It's your song and how your feeling, go with it. There's simply to many different songs out there and nothing is original, just a revision of an older version. You keep doing your thing, take the help where ya need.
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#7
Quote by Flyingwhitey182
Quite Frankly, I Give this piece of advice, Don't listen to people whose use the words cliche`. It's your song and how your feeling, go with it. There's simply to many different songs out there and nothing is original, just a revision of an older version. You keep doing your thing, take the help where ya need.

Couldn't have said it better myself, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks as long as you think its satisfactory with what you wanted to get across or what you feel.

Good song though I hate country. Keep writing.
#8
I like it so far,when will you finish it, seems to be a problem for you.I like most genres of music including country so perhaps we can do 1 2gether, PM me if your interested. Dont mind the "cliche" nods, its cliche to say country songs r cliche, most songs here are of love and loss....my latest cliche tune is "Lipstick On The Table"...(country rock)