#1
So my seconed song i post here which is the seconed in my series of songs( i think still working on the story of it all...) but i hope you enjoy...the first one is blood not tears...(its in my sig)

i will be editing it as i go...so yeah make sure you always look at all my posts before posting just in case i forgot to edit it here

When i put things italics it means scream...

As I die for you
---------
When your heavenly eyes lay upon me
I feel my heart shatter
Shattering into bits and pieces
Of broken glass that cannot be mended back together.
Yet I let you tread into my life,
But you bring along grief and misery.
And I know when you're with him you're never missing me.*EDIT*

Thinking your love would heal the sore
I always let you walk through the door
Never accepting that your love was like a knife
Slowly stabbing away at my life.

(New Chorus)
The lacerations you left me
Are the scars of your love
The ashes i have become
Are the incinerations
Caused by your hatredEdit


Now I stand in the rain
Absorbing all the pain
That was dealt by you
So I scream in the wind,

The lacerations you left me
Are the scars of your love
The ashes i have become
Are the incinerations
Caused by your hatred

Sitting on the ground
stained with blood all around
I feel my hand shake
It feels like an earth quake
The bloody knife slips from my hand
Staring down at the ground
My eyes fall upon the bloody corpse of my love
This is when I whisper

(chorus) x?
Cut your wrists
slit your throat
Kiss your wounds
As you die for me Still working on an ending chorus...going to leave it for now...


So i am still working on it, but let me know...
Last edited by RavenKlown at Jan 7, 2007,
#3
Can you post a link to the song? I'm not really into the emo but i guess thats good for the genre...
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#4
Bro, this is definitely emo but that's o.k. (it reminds me a lot of hawthorne heights) I honestly like it.. you are going to get a lot of crits that bash the emo style of this but you have good rhyme and flow and for those of us who don't mind it's a good piece... I'm a bit tipsy so I'm not going to do the line by line crit right now but I promise I will sometime this weekend....
crit4crit? link to my new song is in my sig
(ballad of a dying nation)
#5
To be honest I like the blood not tears one better. This seems very emo and not really my kinda thing, very cliche and a bit lame. I do however love this line:

Thinking your love would heal the sore
I always let you walk through the door
Never accepting that your love was like a knife
Slowly stabbing away at my life.


That is absolutely brilliant.

The chorus, however, meh.


Sorry to sound mean, but it doesn't really do it for me. 'Blood not Tears' showed you definitely have talent, this song just doesn't make the most of it.

Sorry
#6
Heh...yeah I understand, I'm not a complete fan of this one my self, but it has its meaning to me...plus i was tripping off some crazy shit when i wrote it so ya...

This is possibly the most emo thing i've wrote so dont worry about having to read more of these...lawl

I think if I work with the Thinking your love would heal the sore
I always let you walk through the door
Never accepting that your love was like a knife
Slowly stabbing away at my life. part...I really believe it could take off...

Eh with this music i was thinking more of a three days grace type of music....but not sure...
#7
As you walk by
I slowly begin to die, mmk not bad, doesnt seem forced. but cliche.
Your heavenly eyes lay upon me
neither of us knows what is meant to be, uh huh... nothing special.
But before long the world will see
The pain that will be. I think at this point you have over used the rhyme with E at the end
So now I say to you,

(Chorus) x2
Cut my Wrists
Slit my Throat
Kiss my wounds
As I die for you hehe. so emo =DD. But again just average nothing interesting about it.

Thinking your love would heal the sore
I always let you walk through the door
Never accepting that your love was like a knife
Slowly stabbing away at my life. Brilllliant! ok now... make the first verse/chorus like this and this would be very good.

Now I stand in the rain
Absorbing all the pain
That was dealt by you
So I scream in the wind, you have over used the word pain at this point. although i do like "scream in the wind"

(Chorus)x2
Cut my Wrists
Slit my Throat
Kiss my wounds
As I die for you

Sitting on the ground
stained with blood all around this rhyme sounds forced...
I feel my hand shake
It feels like an earth quakeagain forced.
The bloody knife slips from my hand
Staring down at the ground
My eyes fall upon the bloody corpse of my love
This is when I whisperyay! the last four lines turned the bridge around for me =D

(chorus) x?
Cut your wrists
slit your throat
Kiss your wounds
As you die for me


ok first of all... Blood not tears is much better. i give this one a 6/10. just because its extremly simple and its not very interesting to read. And like most other people i actually like it for its "emoness" cuz i am emo =D.
Quote by ch715dallat
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#8
Wow.

That's fucking sick dude. The first two lines remind me of Angels Don't Kill ("I see the first sets going by, watching myself slowly die")
R E G G A E
#9
thanks, I guess you meant sick as in good not sure...haha

but to 'StoleN' thanks for that it helped (first real line by line crit for this one) i want to keep the general idea...and the genereal jist but i think i am gonna change it and work with the seconed verse...

but I do like the bridge

Yeah the repition of pain got over done but ran out of words i guess...

so i'll be working with it and i'll be posting revisions as i go along
#10
flows well, rhyming decent, the writing itself is completely blanant which to me is totally uninteresting, sorry but thats me. ya guess this is the kind of thing you like a lot if its what your writing but you could at least fit in some serious metaphore or at least something deeper instead of just stating things. ya i honestly dont no what you woul;d be shooting for exactly with this kind of music so theres not much more i can think to say about it so sorry. thanks for the crit tho
#11
Alrighty then. Make sure you edit this thread with the new version or post a new thread. Oh yea cn you crit my song heart grown black pweeeeeeeeeeeease.
Quote by ch715dallat
Necrophagist how could all you n00bs forget the best german metalcore band ever. i think theyre tech metalcore tho or sumfin
#12
Quote by sjada
flows well, rhyming decent, the writing itself is completely blanant which to me is totally uninteresting, sorry but thats me. ya guess this is the kind of thing you like a lot if its what your writing but you could at least fit in some serious metaphore or at least something deeper instead of just stating things. ya i honestly dont no what you woul;d be shooting for exactly with this kind of music so theres not much more i can think to say about it so sorry. thanks for the crit tho


check my blood not tears, you'd enjoy that better trust me...I'm not happy with this one much my self, but i'm gonna work with it, I feel it has potential
Last edited by RavenKlown at Jan 5, 2007,
#13
I hope its okay to double post...just trying to make sure people know i havean editied version...no stabby please

Well here is what i have for the revised version so far...

I have only got on the first verse so its not alot...(i'm having to change the chorus a bit...to fit...)

When your heavenly eyes lay upon me
I feel my heart shatter
Shattering into bits and pieces
Of broken glass that cannot be mended back together.
Yet I let you tread into my life,
But you bring along grief and misery.
And I know when you're with him you're never missing me.

I hope thats better...but i'm not gonna change the emoness to much...just gonna make it good emoness...haha
#14
Very good. This change was much needed. much better then what you had. And why stop there? its one of the best verses i read from you gj.

about the emoness... i wouldnt have it any other way =D


btw... you should go to the orginal song and hit "edit" in the lower right corner of the post. And put the stuff in there.
Quote by ch715dallat
Necrophagist how could all you n00bs forget the best german metalcore band ever. i think theyre tech metalcore tho or sumfin
#15
I actually like this. Sure the ideas in the chorus are overused and simple but I guess it still works. If you can though you should edit it a bit so it can compare with the new verse because the edited first verse is much better. I mean cut my wrists...slit my throat?? Its not strong enough, anyone who has listened to hawthorne heights could come up with that as a chorus. Its sort of odd that you chose to make that your chorus when you obviously have way more writing talent than that. I really like the line "And I know when you're with him you're never missing me." I don't understand the problem with it being oh soo "emo." I mean what is the point of a song if it lacks emotion. I don't like the "it feels like an earthquake" line though it seemed rather corny. I would like to hear this if you put it to music. Thanks for the crit.
#16
As you walk by
I slowly begin to die,
Your heavenly eyes lay upon me
neither of us knows what is meant to be,
But before long the world will see
The pain that will be.
So now I say to you,

- i'm with ya till 'pain that will be'...i'd just leave it out and sing 'the pain'

(Chorus) x2
Cut my Wrists
Slit my Throat
Kiss my wounds
As I die for you

- hate the first two and love the last two...nothing wrong with the cadence tho

Thinking your love would heal the sore
I always let you walk through the door
Never accepting that your love was like a knife
Slowly stabbing away at my life.

- stanza as a whole is alright...i think the second line is too simple tho, and the third line is a little wordy, as well, i don't mind rhyming knife and life but i would consider using it differently somehow...maybe not tho...jmho

Now I stand in the rain
Absorbing all the pain
That was dealt by you
So I scream in the wind,

- i'd like this better if it started with 'now i'm absorbing all the pain...' maybe work a rain part in later if at all

(Chorus)x2
Cut my Wrists
Slit my Throat
Kiss my wounds
As I die for you

Sitting on the ground
stained with blood all around
I feel my hand shake
It feels like an earth quake
The bloody knife slips from my hand
Staring down at the ground
My eyes fall upon the bloody corpse of my love
This is when I whisper

- this stanza is a little long so it took me out of rhythm from above...on the whole it's all very descriptive

(chorus) x?
Cut your wrists
slit your throat
Kiss your wounds
As you die for me


- good job...i hope that's helpful in some way
cheers, d
#17
As you walk by
I slowly begin to die,
Your heavenly eyes lay upon me
neither of us knows what is meant to be,
But before long the world will see
The pain that will be.
So now I say to you,


you started off really good i thought
untill the emo we all have in us kicked in
i played it along with i will follow you into the dark
deathcab for cuties
and it went perfect.
try that chord progression out
#19
this is extremely trite... unoriginal... but i don't think that people who listen to this genre care so you might have something
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If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#20
Quote by PsychoKNTX
if it got any more emo I would slit my own wrist.



haha.... but good song dude
#21
Quote by Dämonschatten
this is extremely trite... unoriginal... but i don't think that people who listen to this genre care so you might have something



can i get some actual crit or you just gonna take up posts?

that is for every one...although the first one was funny...it got old...
#22
you can just look up the critiques for the other twenty seven thousand songs exactly like this and use their posts as a road map

but until you stop using the same metaphors over and over again, you'll be hard pressed to find actual meaningful, objective crits because the repetition of these songs makes this seem uninteresting and artificial
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.