#1
when i'm need of someone i cling too you
'cause its only you who'll love me true
only you will love me through the winter chill
and only you will love me when time stands still


so i cling too you,you comfort me
'cause our hearts just seem to agree
that our love will forever be

i'm hoping my words they teach you
and darling i hope they reach you
hold me close,hold me tight,my darling never let me free

take away all my pain and sorrow
tell me there's hope for tomorrow

be my light out of the darkness
keep me sane in all this madness
all i need is some gladness
so take away all that is sadness

(spoken)
make the day never turn to night
let there always be this endless light
whenever,i'm sad please mend my broken heart
cause i'd never be emptier if we should ever part

so i cling too you,you comfort me
our hearts just seem to agree
that our love will forever be

(this is really just a song from alot of listening to the beatles and beach boys i.e.god only knows, in my life,etc...
#2
take away all my pain and sorrow tell me there's hope for tomorrow

I believe i have heard that somehwere but can't recall. This is a start. There's a good story here but its not written very well. Rhyming sounds very forced...madness, gladness, sadness...ect. try not to force the rhyming. theres potential and room for improvement, good luck with this. 5/10

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=498259
#3
when i'm need of someone i cling too you
'cause its only you who'll love me true
only you will love me through the winter chill
and only you will love me when time stands still


so i cling too you,you comfort me
'cause our hearts just seem to agree
that our love will forever be

i'm hoping my words they teach you
and darling i hope they reach you
hold me close,hold me tight,my darling never let me free

(spoken)
make the day never turn to night
let there always be this endless light
whenever,i'm sad please mend my broken heart
cause i'd never be emptier if we should ever part

so i cling too you,you comfort me
our hearts just seem to agree
that our love will forever be

would this sound better?
#4
you posted this before didnt you? im pretty sure i recognize the title and a few parts of the song but it looks like you changed a lot of it. ya its a good start i guess like that guy said. its nothing too original or anything but considering it isnt too bad. the one major bdad thing is you have a ton of rhyming going on and the way you did it sounds really forced. if your taking out that verse with the gladness/madness/sadness thing thats good cause that was the worst part IMO. ya this is good enough for music anyway and with a little tweaking i would say this could turn into something good by itself too.
#5
when i'm need of someone i cling too you
'cause its only you who'll love me true
only you will love me through the winter chill
and only you will love me when time stands still

I think this part is wonderful how you keep the whole love thing in each line.


so i cling too you,you comfort me
'cause our hearts just seem to agree
that our love will forever be

I like how you seem to have the rhyme scheme with seem, agree, me, be.

i'm hoping my words they teach you
and darling i hope they reach you
hold me close,hold me tight,my darling never let me free

This is another good part, not much to say about it but I would put "I'm hoping my words will teach you"

(spoken)
make the day never turn to night
let there always be this endless light
whenever,i'm sad please mend my broken heart
cause i'd never be emptier if we should ever part

I would personally put "never let day turn to night" but your way is good to. Just me i guess, and im not to sure how your style of music is.

so i cling too you,you comfort me
our hearts just seem to agree
that our love will forever be

I see that this is your chorus part obviously, but it works well for it.

All in all, I have to say, you did a wonderful job with this song. It just seemed to flow so smoothly. You also had a good rhyme scheme for the song.I'm actually read it about 15 times and I just keep finding things that I like with it. Well if you have time my song is in my sig.
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I hope i dont get sigged but whats a dike?


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With Fingers Sore
#6
I agree that this has a good story going, and also that the rhytming seems forced. he spoken part is cool, like Morrison, who I'm guessing you like. Not bad, with improvement it could be very good. Please crit mine EYES
#8
be my light out of the darkness
keep me sane in all this madness
all i need is some gladness
so take away all that is sadness


Its extremely rare to have a four line verse that all rhyme and have it so it has meaning and unique, this is the rule to the exception. Should not have tried it here.


so i cling too you,you comfort me
our hearts just seem to agree
that our love will forever be


See I do this too when I write, and it hardly words, yet you did it again. Possibly sacrificing some of the rhyming scheme, that seems a little all over the place, for a solid message.

If you listened to the Beatles and Beach Boys while writing this song you should have realized how they construct their songs, and its really nothing like this, need to change it.

*Note to writer* You need to do a lot more drugs if you want to sound like Morrion. Also have an IQ of about 160.