#1
there's a man in every city
who thinks he's won the lottery
when he sticks his 20 in the change machine
and hears the ka-ching, ching ching
of eighty silver coins
don't tell him otherwise

from the window I catch sight
of all the cars cleared to the side
to let the flashing lights fly by,
they're going to save a life tonight
don't try and tell me otherwise
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#2
Um, cool.

That sounds more like a poem. If it is a poem, it is alright. Pretty good really.

What is it meant to be about though?
#3
naivety and optimism
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#4
Yeah I just love your stuff mostly, and this was just more good writing.

The only critical thing I could say is that you might one day want to try experimenting a bit and branch out, give some other style a go.

'Cos you've got this one nailed I reckon.

In my sig, if you could leave a one line comment as poor as this Many thanks.
#5
i haven't talked to you in awhile i miss you.
i like this. how you can capture different emotions using different perspective and certain diction. i completely agree with yours.
it leaves me wondering whether the optimism that they hold so close them is a good or bad thing. because it can definately be both.

<3
#7
I like it. Nothing I would change.
Wade in the water, child.
#8
I know man, all the classics are coming back: blake, benjmc, neil, I think I saw jake a while back. mmmmm

thank you guys. I forgot I posted this. it's from a while ago.

I've tried other styles, they don't work so well. my old style was really conventional 7 stanzas, 4 lines each, they were well received but I tried just a year ago to write one like that again and it made me cringe. I don't know. I'll see what I can do for ya

I miss you too. 2) probably a bad thing

evan, thank you as always
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#9
I don't think I can ever find anything wrong with your stuff, I think I'm a fanboi. Except for that one where you revised, like, twice. But anyway.

Yeah, pretty much perfect here.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
it was short and to the point...and there's nothing wrong with that at all. you said everything you needed to say...nice job man.