#1
You said the things that i can't stand
You said I'm worthless boy
I'm useless for you right?
Everything has changed and now
you can have other one who will die for you
and make the things you said
You just have to scrap off your mask
and say the things in your mind


How can I stand the thing you said?
How can I live without you for my lifeline
I'm now sick of life
How could I pass this time
How can I?


This is the first song for me.. so I just need your help..
I will be glad if you write another verse for me. 'cause i cant think for it...
#2
Yeah pretty good, I like the first verse but did you mean "scrape off your mask"?
Last edited by less_than_dave at Jan 5, 2007,
#3
Quote by SLAcker_14
You said the things that i can't stand
You said I'm worthless boy
I'm useless for you right?I like this line, it's kind of witty
Everything has changed and now
you can have other one who will die for youI'm not sure this line makes sense
and make the things you said
You just have to scrap off your mask
and say the things in your mind


How can I stand the thing you said?
How can I live without you for my lifeline
I'm now sick of life
How could I pass this time
How can I?

I like how you ended this song, also.


This is the first song for me.. so I just need your help..
I will be glad if you write another verse for me. 'cause i cant think for it...



This was in overall good song, just some minor tweaking, maybe another verse.
#4
Quote by less_than_dave
Yeah pretty good, I like the first verse but did you mean "scrape off your mask"?


Yeah i mean "scrape off your mask"..sorry for my typing error .. will you help me tweaking it????
#5
You said the things that i can't stand

try things which i cant stand that will add more meaning

You said I'm worthless boy
I'm useless for you right?
i liked above 2 lines they had nice flow
Everything has changed and now
you can have other one who will die for you
this line seems a bit odd u can try
another one is readuy to die for u

and make the things you said
You just have to scrap off your mask i didnt get that
and say the things in your mind


How can I stand the thing you said?
How can I live without you for my lifeline
I'm now sick of life
How could I pass this time
How can I?

rhyme pattern is bit odd try reading tips thread . try using less repetition of smaller words like how , you , and

its just give an amature reflection and frm my personal opinion while singing they add bit of difficulty

i am srry if i came too harsh on u . i want to help u and with time u will get better u can see when i posted my 1st song i made the same mistakes after that when i posted my se cond one "HEART BREAK REMEDIES " i wrote even more better u will get good with time also
crit on mine willl be appteciated try to crit new one if u can
Hi
#6
Quote by abhishek21
You said the things that i can't stand

try things which i cant stand that will add more meaning

You said I'm worthless boy
I'm useless for you right?
i liked above 2 lines they had nice flow
Everything has changed and now
you can have other one who will die for you
this line seems a bit odd u can try
another one is readuy to die for u

and make the things you said
You just have to scrap off your mask i didnt get that
and say the things in your mind


How can I stand the thing you said?
How can I live without you for my lifeline
I'm now sick of life
How could I pass this time
How can I?

rhyme pattern is bit odd try reading tips thread . try using less repetition of smaller words like how , you , and

its just give an amature reflection and frm my personal opinion while singing they add bit of difficulty

i am srry if i came too harsh on u . i want to help u and with time u will get better u can see when i posted my 1st song i made the same mistakes after that when i posted my se cond one "HEART BREAK REMEDIES " i wrote even more better u will get good with time also
crit on mine willl be appteciated try to crit new one if u can



its not too harsh for me.. just advice .. thx for advice buddy... i'll make better and better... my english is not good coz i'm from Myanmar (most in my country speaks english badly)... i'll make tweaks and repost..
#10
You said the things that i can't stand
You said I'm worthless boy
I'm useless for you right?
Everything has changed and now
Another guy is ready to die for you
And make the things you want
I've known he's been kind to you
Let all the things you crave
Always overlooking your mistakes

How can I stand the thing you said?
How can I live without you for my lifeline
I'm now sick of life
How could I pass this time
How can I?

Please store my love in one place of your heart
Many or less dosen't make sense
All the places we've been together
Remember the times we've talked on phone
Just keep the presents I gave you
I'll let you happy though I'm crying
Leaving you is the hardest part of the tale
But I need to leave just for your sake


Here is the new version of my song.. I think i still need something....help