#1
well here is a song i wrote last year about an ex at the time.....just want honest feedback...its called

"Thou Beloved We Stood"


The era of today was touched with a goodnight kiss
When the boy becomes man, his day will shine on hers
A beggar's wish is another's problem
Overlook the victims of sinner's hand


I mourn for the sweet princess
Cause the 7th deadly sin was love
Pulling me away, I found nothing
series of comebacks, but never a hello


It was our fire that made a beautiful fight
It was the candle that called out my name
The wind blows cold on the anniversary night
Forgive my lover and away with my flame


Never, will I call on you
I failed once and will fail again
Looking ahead for a guiding light
but finding a demons word
The blood of this is now tasteless
and the scars will never heal
the love was always non-existent
the love stands no more
#2
if you want my honest opinion...it's a bit to metricly sharp...maybe that's how you want it to be, dunno...but i'd put in a few more ryhmes to make it more fluent and optically pleasant....don't wanna be too hard or anything!
#3
tbh mate, i cant really give you feedback on just the lyrics, you could have awesome lyrics and a crap tune, or vice versa. So i dunno if this is meant to be punk rock, or heavy metal or anything. But yeah.. the lyrics are pretty good. so good luck.
#4
ya i know what you guys mean its cool...just honest feedback on the lyrics...dog em' i dont mind it at all...just honestly...haha.....if they suck then that just tells me i suck at writing...haha no big deal
#5
I like the first segment, especially : "Overlook the victims of sinner's hand" being tied to beggar's wish, although im not sure if it sounds right beat wise compared to the rest of the lines. The second verse doesnt work for me. Its quite sporadic and doesnt feel consice enough. Third verse is good, i like the rhyme but it is too choppy. Try adding a few joining words or phrases so you get a more lyrical flowing feel.

Example:
"It was our fire that made this beautiful fight
and the candle that called out my name
As the wind blows cold on the anniversary night
Forgive me, my lover and away with my flame"

The final bit isnt doing much for me, maybe its the use of demons and blood? If you're into that, then its your song and you can do what you wish! But i wouldnt ever use demons and blood in a lyric like that. Also, theres no point in switching up words in a sentence so that they would be in different order then how you would speak them. It makes it difficult for a reader or listener to comprehend. Maybe try switching it up to something like this:

"I will never call on you, I failed once and will fail again
Looking ahead for a guiding light only to find my demons
The blood is now tasteless and the wounds will never heal
the love was non-existent, the love stands no more"

Overall its a good start, and does have some apparent emotion. Maybe try to not rearrange your sentence structure too much, where you get the feeling it was written a few hundred years ago, you know?