#1
You know what I realised? I'm happy with what I write. Completely and utterly happy with what I write.

Critique for critique.

Enjoy


I got love
You got yours from the streets
I just can't compete with the prices these days
I got money
But love never comes cheap
Unless you find some free of charge

I got mine
For nine ninety-nine
Without wine and dine
Took a long time
And it never quite
Hit the right notes for me

Has love lost it's meaning?
Invent a new word just for me

I got style
But it means next to nought
I can't go put it away to gain interest
I got moves
They're not ones to be taught
Bought from an office documentary

I got mine
For nine ninety-nine
I wined and dined
Took a long time
And it never quite
Hit the right notes for me

Has love lost it's meaning?
Invent a new word just for me
'Cos I got love
And I don't want it to be compared to yours
#2
Haha, I really like this song. It's very witty. I like the repetition in the first line of the verses.
Great lyrics, keep writing.
#3
Quote by Jammydude44
You know what I realised? I'm happy with what I write. Completely and utterly happy with what I write.

Critique for critique.

Enjoy


I got love
You got yours from the streets
I just can't compete with the prices these days
I got money
But love never comes cheap
Unless you find some free of charge

wow thats really good. very original, nothing i can say against this i dont think

I got mine
For nine ninety-nine
Without wine and dine
Took a long time
And it never quite
Hit the right notes for me

i like the writing here but those four very short lines that all rhyme dont really work for me. it might work but im not really sure how it would. good writing but it is your chorus, which is important, so if i were you id fix it up a bit

Has love lost it's meaning?
Invent a new word just for me

i really love that

I got style
But it means next to nought
I can't go put it away to gain interest
I got moves
They're not ones to be taught
Bought from an office documentary

like the writing in here still. dont really like the word "nought" tho, just sounds odd to me. sounds forced anyway IMO.

I got mine
For nine ninety-nine
I wined and dined
Took a long time
And it never quite
Hit the right notes for me

Has love lost it's meaning?
Invent a new word just for me
'Cos I got love
And I don't want it to be compared to yours
like the new lines there but those first to are really amazing

ya you deserve to be happy with this, especially that first stanza and those other two little lines that i loved. uh, ya a couple little things bothered me personally, but they werent big deals for me or anything and ya this was just really really good.
if you wanna check mine out thatd be cool. its in my sig. thanks
#4
I got mine
For nine ninety-nine
I wined and dined
Took a long time
And it never quite
Hit the right notes for me


Loved that part. The 3rd stanza was the one I liked the least, but I still liked it.
You get your point across very well, especially with the invent a new word for me line. I have nothing to complain about, I think it's a well written piece as it is.
#5
I got mine
For nine ninety-nine
Without wine and dine
Took a long time
And it never quite
Hit the right notes for me


this i loved


song was cool
keep on writing can u crit my new one
Hi
#6
Here's a quick lesson for you, young abishek.

That was not a critique, thus you do not get one in return. Learn how S+L works, crit for crit means crit for crit.

Thanks muchly to everyone else
#7
ok first of all everyone has their own way of appreciating things.

now after reading title i thought song is about someone who is very determined and focus

I got love
You got yours from the streets
I just can't compete with the prices these days
I got money
But love never comes cheap
Unless you find some free of charge

in 1st verse expressing the way in which love can be possesed was good
the best thing that i liked about this verse was that u first made an expression and
then contradicted it in a very poetic and intellectual way



I got mine
For nine ninety-nine
Without wine and dine
Took a long time
And it never quite
Hit the right notes for me


after reading this verse i was really impressed because of the way in which u tell that love cant be bought by money


Has love lost it's meaning?
Invent a new word just for me

I got style
But it means next to nought
I can't go put it away to gain interest
I got moves
They're not ones to be taught
Bought from an office documentary

I got mine
For nine ninety-nine
I wined and dined
Took a long time
And it never quite
Hit the right notes for me

Has love lost it's meaning?
Invent a new word just for me
'Cos I got love
And I don't want it to be compared to yours

ok l am gonna summarize what i thought about ur piece .u know the best and the coolest thing about ur piece was u expressed all those things which everyone writes about in their song in a totally different and poetic sort of way. lyrics are damn good thats what i tell people if u want to write about some cliches write in such a way that its superior to almost every word that has ever writtern for that topic. i am not saying ur song is a total cliche
,its just tells all the simple things in gr8 ways



just plz do this young guy a favour by not giving crit on any of my songs and i hope now this was a good crit 4 u


__________________
#8
My god, you have no idea how much i want to recod this as a blues song! It's perfect for that!

Only one gripe really: lack of punctuation. However, that sort of makes it easier for me to fit it to a blues riff if i wanted too, but it's not solid enough to flow well just reading it if you see what i mean. So, it's flexible without punctuation, but if you want to make it solid to read, then punctuate it.

Anyway, i loved most of it, even though there were parts when i thought your phrasing was a little flat and lifeless.
#9
Abishe: chill man, thanks for putting some more effort, I was merely warning you you go around S+L saying things like gud song crit mine and you will not get much respect round these parts. I'll get to yours in due course.

Caz: Thanks man, songwriting I barely use punctuation apart from the odd comma, it's just my way and yeh I always tend to have some not as good lines in there, I'll definitely revise this later.

Cheers all.
#10
I really liked the song; it has SO much intelligence and truth in it, especially since "love" is overused and how you said "invent a new word for me"<----LOVE it! lol I thought that was great! However, maybe it's just me, but I didn't much take interest in how some of the verses were like this:
I got mine
For nine ninety-nine
Without wine and dine
Took a long time
And it never quite
Hit the right notes for me

Don't get me wrong, I loved the verse! It made a lot of sense and was very original, but at the end, it threw off the rhyme scheme a bit...or maybe I'm not getting the rhythm and song right? lol I'm probably the one messing up, but this is just what I thought. Anyways, the last line "Hit the right note for me" kinda made it awkward for me...lol otherwise, I LOVE IT!! Great job!!!!!
cHEER uP, eMO kiD!
#11
And Jammydude, I forgot to tell you: I SO much admire all of your work! I mean, every piece of your work I've ever read is amazing! You have this way of taking a cliche idea and something that everyone writes about and overuses, and you turn it into something that I have never seen before! I absolutely love the way you do it! I really wish I had that talent, but maybe I'll get it through more songwriting? Anyways, keep up the great work and don'y change how you do anything!! I love the way you do what you do! (lol)
cHEER uP, eMO kiD!
#12
Why thankyou (hides face in embarrasment).

Just keep writing. It's common sense really to take cliche ideas and re-invent them, I don't really aim for that I mean I just write what feels good.

but thanks, means alot You got summin I could take a look at?
#13
Yeah I have a new song called "Welcome to the World". It's about problems that are here, have been here. It's not quite finished, but I wanted to see how it's coming along.

Oh, and thanks for the advice! I'm gonna think of some stuff tonight, like the usual ideas and i will "transform" them. lol thanks bud!
cHEER uP, eMO kiD!
#15
Quote by Jammydude44
You know what I realised? I'm happy with what I write. Completely and utterly happy with what I write.

Well thats always good to hear jamie


I got love
You got yours from the streets
I just can't compete with the prices these days
I got money
But love never comes cheap
Unless you find some free of charge

I like this, I like the rhyming and the link between line 4, 5 i really liked

I got mine
For nine ninety-nine
Without wine and dine
Took a long time
And it never quite
Hit the right notes for me

I like the end of this stanza but I'm just not a fan of four consecutive lines of rhyming...

Has love lost it's meaning?
Invent a new word just for me

Great line

I got style
But it means next to nought
I can't go put it away to gain interest
I got moves
They're not ones to be taught
Bought from an office documentary

I like the structure of the verses here, in terms of content I preferred the previous verse but this is still good

I got mine
For nine ninety-nine
I wined and dined
Took a long time
And it never quite
Hit the right notes for me

Has love lost it's meaning?
Invent a new word just for me
'Cos I got love
And I don't want it to be compared to yours


I really liked this, a lot, I'd have to say that its your best work IMO, the feel of the song is great, I love the structure of the verse, maybe change the chorus slightly as I said (about the AAAA part) but other than that it was great. Not that it matters if you "Completely and utterly happy with what I write."

Cheers mate
-Sam
Winners are those who refuse to be beaten

Imagination on a Screen

Please crit my latest work! Crit for crit of course.

Or hear my demo recordings at Myspace
#16
I don't know how you could be happy with this complete cliche and boring mess. It's terrible. You just repeat the same shit over, and over again. You keep rhyming bad rhymes and I kept wondering will this get better, and it didn't. I'm in a blunt mood right now, sorry but, jesus christ.

The only redeeming factor in this is the cutesy factor, which pardon my ignorance, but is kind of a bad thing, if can read my poem to a four year old, and an adult and the same meaning is held and understood and there is a complete understanding by both parties, then you have failed in a really big way, or succeeded in a really creepy and weird way.

What I'd do if I were you, just fucking write, whatever comes to mind, don't pay god damn heed if it's any good, makes sense, or is even a real word, worry about that later. Just write, and a lot, and who cares if it's bad, the point is too build not only a unique style for yourself, but a mass large quantities of metaphors that can be re-worked into better pieces. You have to take advantage of beat, metaphor, similie, assonance, iambic meter, and everything such as. If you don't use at least a few of those a few times it's not a poem, it's just writting, it's prose. Not saying you didn't do that here, but it's boring as hell and that's a big thing.

Make excitement.
Make me want to read.
Make me remember what you wrote.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#17
See if this were a few months back I would have hit out and such a comment.

But I won't. You're probably right, but then again, it's a different view from most. You're a techinical writer who enjoys the layers and metaphorical side of writing. but that's not me, and a lot of people know that. If I put my mind to it and realy wanted to, yes I could probably write like that, but for me I don't enjoy, I like to write like this, and I know you won't like it but this is the only negative critique on this piece- I know it's not a great piece of writing but heck, I write for fun. You're a more technical writer, so yeah, you probably won't like my stuff. Others, who don't write like you or don't write at all, habe enjooyed this read. Each to his own man, and don't tell me I shouldn't be happy with my own writing.

I appreciate all your advice. Thanks
#18
I got love
You got yours from the streets
I just can't compete with the prices these days
I got money
But love never comes cheap
Unless you find some free of charge

I would change love the second time it's used to something else here. It's a bit repetitive and uncreative. In the last line, I would change 'some' to 'it'. To me it flows better, that's just my opinon though. One thing that's seriously bothering me, the 'I got_____' lines, are you purposely using bad grammar? Just curious, I couldn't figure out why you would, but then again, I could just be being slow. If not, I would suggest changing it to 'I've got' or 'I have'. Another thing, the second line is lacking a tie to the first. It seems almost random to me. You need something to tie them both together besides the fact their both about lyour love. You don't provide the origin of yours, yet you do for the other.

I got mine
For nine ninety-nine
Without wine and dine
Took a long time
And it never quite
Hit the right notes for me

I love the last two lines, they made this verse worth reading. The only really weak line I can see would be the third one. It just doesn't flow when I read it and the language is very bland and doesn't really tell us enough. Be more specific. I would suggest replacing 'took' with something stronger, as with 'time', try another more non-generic noun to get the point across.

Has love lost it's meaning?
Invent a new word just for me

This is great. One thing, I don't really think invent here is really the right word. I don't know why, but it just doesn't have the punch I think you're looking for.

I got style
But it means next to nought
I can't go put it away to gain interest
I got moves
They're not ones to be taught
Bought from an office documentary

For the third line, I would suggest taking out 'go' and replacing 'put' with 'stash'. Like, "I can't stash it away to gain interest." or something like that. The fifth line, IMO, sounds a bit forced a phrased awkwardly. The last line is awesome, though.

I got mine
For nine ninety-nine
I wined and dined
Took a long time
And it never quite
Hit the right notes for me

Has love lost it's meaning?
Invent a new word just for me
'Cos I got love
And I don't want it to be compared to yours

This is a great ending. Nothing really to fix here, except the grammar problem I mentioned earlier, but that's pretty much.

Overall, this isn't half bad. It's a bit bland and unimpressable after a first read, but after a few times, it's actually really good. Hope this helps.

Mind taking a look at mine? It's in the sig, thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#19
Before I critique this I want to ask you a question, a question I actually want you to answer: have you ever loved? I know I havent and I know I'm scared of the fact that 'love' might not exist {though thats neither here nor there}. I do not believe you, both the narrator and the person, have ever really loved based on your age and the content in the piece. So basically what I'm getting at is that you are just using terms coined by other people feeling things that you've never experienced. Essentially, I think of you, the narrator, as a cliche liar, a juvinille liar that doesnt know what the hell he is talking about. Just because you drop the word love doesnt mean there is anything behind it.

"Has love lost it's meaning?"
no, because it doesnt have any real meaning to you so I dont see how you can use it. I actually dont see how you can possibly be happy with such generalities that I dont think you actually believe...

O well, thats my thoughts on that subject.

Anyway, you have to start questioning why you are doing what you doing after every single thing you do in a piece. Why is this centered? if it just looks cool and thats it then I might just lose all respect for you. You are a smart writer. Let everything have a purpose and let the form effect the function, effect the message. if the piece is centered, have it be symbolic for something, have it mean something, otherwise, yeah, I'll lose my respect for you as a functioning and continually growing writer, which isnt good.

Same with the rhyme in the second stanza, AAAA. I realize its a song and I realize it was for flow but as a writer you cant just let flow pull you through to a good piece. Ask yourself why you chose that rhyme scheme, does it mean anything? can you find a way to make the rhyme mirror what you are saying in the rest of the piece. I mean, if you want to really talk about love, then parallel your thoughts on it in a steady rhyme scheme. Like, if you think Love is jarring and stupid use troche meter and sudden bursts of hard hitting words...

Basically, thing about what you're doing. For me, thats the fun in writing, seeing the subtlety, piecing together vast ideas within the confines of words...

But then again, I guess you could still use the answer you gave Matt, doing it 'this way' isnt fun for you. Well, thats like saying that being intellectual and thinking isnt fun. And if you feel that way then cool, only problem is you'll never really grow as a writer. If you're happy with it then I'm happy for you, but I think you know you are not actually happy with this piece...

O well, Jamie. You know I'm just trying to help.
#20
Quote by #1 synth
Before I critique this I want to ask you a question, a question I actually want you to answer: have you ever loved? I know I havent and I know I'm scared of the fact that 'love' might not exist {though thats neither here nor there}. I do not believe you, both the narrator and the person, have ever really loved based on your age and the content in the piece. So basically what I'm getting at is that you are just using terms coined by other people feeling things that you've never experienced. Essentially, I think of you, the narrator, as a cliche liar, a juvinille liar that doesnt know what the hell he is talking about. Just because you drop the word love doesnt mean there is anything behind it.

"Has love lost it's meaning?"
no, because it doesnt have any real meaning to you so I dont see how you can use it. I actually dont see how you can possibly be happy with such generalities that I dont think you actually believe...

O well, thats my thoughts on that subject.


lol you are so gay.

jamester let me lay this to ya straight. i agree with matt, except on a much smaller level and i'm not a dick like him. but i think if your goal with this was to make something that would be good to record, something that my mom and my sister would listen to on the radio, you're pretty close to what you wanted.

this seemed really forced:
I got moves
They're not ones to be taught
Bought from an office documentary


i know it rhymes and all that but "i got moves/they're not ones to be taught" barely makes sense, and isn't really optimal grammar. this was the weakest part of this in my opinion.

i also didn't like this:
'Cos I got love
And I don't want it to be compared to yours


the rest of it was good for what it was though. good work bro,

holla
#21
It's cute, in a way, but I'm not really buying it.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#23
Quote by #1 synth
Before I critique this I want to ask you a question, a question I actually want you to answer: have you ever loved?

Yes. But like I, and the piece says, that word has lost all meaning of strong feelings.

"Has love lost it's meaning?"
no, because it doesnt have any real meaning to you so I dont see how you can use it.

That's you just guessing. I love my girl, and I wrote this because she and most other of her female friends use the term "love" so freely that I didn't feel special saying it to her.

Anyway, you have to start questioning why you are doing what you doing after every single thing you do in a piece. Why is this centered?

It's centred 'cos these are lyrics, and I don't really care how they look on paper because there not meant to be read. I like centering stuff.

Same with the rhyme in the second stanza, AAAA. I realize its a song and I realize it was for flow but as a writer you cant just let flow pull you through to a good piece. Ask yourself why you chose that rhyme scheme, does it mean anything?

No it means nowt. It does make it flow yes, and I like the flow of it, you can sing along to it with ease.

Basically, thing about what you're doing. For me, thats the fun in writing, seeing the subtlety, piecing together vast ideas within the confines of words...

Yet like I said thats not me, and not most peple *I'm guessing*. I'd rather be able to sing along loud to a song rather than sit their quietely listening to every single word to try and piece together the picture. Man, they're just song lyrics to go along with some chords, that people might want to sing along to . Really, I think some of you need to chill out a bit and realise that there is no right way to go about writing, and its all each to his own.

But then again, I guess you could still use the answer you gave Matt, doing it 'this way' isnt fun for you. Well, thats like saying that being intellectual and thinking isnt fun. And if you feel that way then cool, only problem is you'll never really grow as a writer. If you're happy with it then I'm happy for you, but I think you know you are not actually happy with this piece...

I am happy with this piece, 'part from that second verse, which I knew wasn't up to scratch. You're guessing agian It still takes skill to write something people might want to sing along to, no maybe not as much but come on, you saying it takes no skill whatsoever to write a britrock/indie song? You can grow as a writer like that, for sure, just cos I'm not growing in a direction in some of you would like me to doesn't mean I'm a worse writer for it

O well, Jamie. You know I'm just trying to help.



Thanks all. I'll get back to yours when I can.