#1
Memory-byme
please be harsh
tell me what you really think
i am new at this. hole songwriting thing


Memory

it is like a nightmare
your so close but your still not there
im trapped in this world alone
just the memor of your voice on the phone

you seem so distant from me
was this really not ment to be
it felt so perfect at the time
felt like you were finaly mine

it is like a nightmare
your so close but your still not there
im trapped in this world alone
just the memor of your voice on the phone

the sound of your voice still ringing thru my head
i remember the last thing you said
" we need to talk
may we go for a walk"

it is like a nightmare
your so close but your still not there
im trapped in this world alone
just the memor of your voice on the phone

that hardest part, knowing were apart
and your someone elseses sweetheart
yea the hardest part is knowing were apart
and your someone elses sweet heart
Last edited by acousticsofty at Jan 5, 2007,
#2
This isn't bad...especially for someone who is new at songwriting. A lot of the rhymes seem forced and very predictable, but thats expected at first. Your off to a way better start than I was. I like the idea of the song its just pretty simple and the rhymes make it a little cheesy. Like the "we need to talk may we go for a walk," and the "you're someone else's sweetheart." yeah a bit cheesy to me but its not a bad song...with music it could be likable and even catchy.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=497187
#3
Very good, but you dont have to follow the rules of rhyming ill use an example with this line

it is like a nightmare
your so close but your still not there
im trapped in this world alone
just the memor of your voice on the phone

awsome line but " on the phone" didnt need to be there. and it would have more meaning and make more sense to me if you took it out. for your next song try not to rhyme like
A
A
B
B ( if you dont understand that its alright)
#4
I feel like you may be depending too heavily on the rhyme. Perhaps try harder to let rhyming be second to emotions and not vice versa.

Good luck
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<3
#5
I agree with the above. Your rhyming coule be better, just keep practicing and you'll get better. This really is pretty good for a first time song. I look forward to hearing better improved songs, you can make them too. PLease crit mine, EYES
#6
alright yea i get what you all mean about the rhyming
ill try n write another one with less of that n more heart
thnxs for your comments
#7
noot a bad start for new writer . try reading thread about tips on song writing & lyrics
Hi