#1
This is my first attempt at writing lyrics, and they are kinda "emo" if you want to call it that. Now this isn't a whole song, just partial verses/chrous

I'm bleeding from the heart on my sleeve
and I'm wearing my favorite shirt for you
so don't let it sit there for too long

From my ears flows the essence
of what keeps me alive
from the silence shattering sound
of what keeps me breathing

The white cotton covering my arms
is slowly staining
with the color of compassion
for what is so hard to obtain

I thought I had an armor corvered blood machine
but you hit my Achilies Tendon
right in the center of what
I thought was so well protected...


I guess it could be made into a song... I'm still not sure. It's pretty much a rough draft just to get the basic thought down...Tell me what you think?

Gear
Gibson Explorer
Epi Les Paul Standard


Amp
B-52 AT-100 Half stack.

#2
Quote by pullmeunder
kinda "emo" i


Kinda....

It's okay I won't flame or anything. The poem or song is decent. It still needs to be finished though. Emo...depressing...dark...disturbing start but good anyways. Every body knows what it's like to be mad and you are. Good job. Lighten up though . I'm not very good, but would you check my song out, In Denial
#3
Quote by pullmeunder
This is my first attempt at writing lyrics, and they are kinda "emo" if you want to call it that. Now this isn't a whole song, just partial verses/chrous

I'm bleeding from the heart on my sleeve
and I'm wearing my favorite shirt for you
so don't let it sit there for too long

Eh, I don't like the last line here, though I'm not sure what you could change it to.

From my ears flows the essence
of what keeps me alive
from the silence shattering sound
of what keeps me breathing

I really don't like the triple alliteration on "silence shattering sound" it just doesn't sound right. I don't like the repitition of "From" in line three either.

The white cotton covering my arms
is slowly staining
with the color of compassion
for what is so hard to obtain

This stanza is alright, except I think you could word line four a lot better. The wording just threw me off.

I thought I had an armor corvered blood machine
but you hit my Achilies Tendon
right in the center of what
I thought was so well protected...
I really liked the last three lines of this stanza, but the first line, IMO, is not that great at all. "Armor covered blood machine," please change that, it would make this verse a whole lot better.


I guess it could be made into a song... I'm still not sure. It's pretty much a rough draft just to get the basic thought down...Tell me what you think?


Eh, this seemed to get better as it went on, with some changes it could be made into a decent piece. Could you crit mine? The top one in my sig.