#1
thought this up at 3 am and i want to know what you guys think.
crit 4 crit.

The ballad of Robert Johnson and Mona Lisa


She eased me into the shadows
And took away my tongue
Ignoring the kind night guard
She said she had to run

So I wondered down the street
In search of my daddy’s car
But I took a wrong turn a few blocks back
And now have gone to far

Mona Lisa is down the alley
Drinking with Romeo and Juliet
Giving some bad advice to them
Two lovers without regret

Well really what do I know
I’ve only ever had just one
To her I said goodbye
But I’ll be back with the sun

So then just like the sun
I was up with my girl in the morning
And as we talked over breakfast
I told her a bed time story

By lunch we were fast asleep
And then I felt something was wrong
She kissed me saying “it’s alright”
Not to think twice about it all day long

Yes Mona is in the bathroom
Nervous to walk into the crowd
She puts on her trade mark smile
And steps off of the burning cloud

A ride awaiting for her
And a champagne made by Robert
She climbs in beside me
And my pure plastic goblet

She recalls to my memory
About the broken window blind
I don’t care what her neighbors see
With their collection of filthy swine

I decide to tell another story
About the time the door knob broke
She didn’t fall for me then
But she laughed at every joke
Quote by steven seagull
Can I save money by using lightbulbs instead of tubes - will energy saving lightulbs last even longer?

Quote by latinosuperstud
if i buy a les paul studio and walk out into public a man in a clown and/or gorilla suit named tyrese, will come attack me and/or rape me
#2
stry telling is good but rhyme is bit odd .try to revise it . other than good concept
Hi
#4
Thats clever man, I love it...Almost genius-like =)

Edit: Sounds a lot like Bob Dylan
Last edited by Razi El at Jan 6, 2007,
#5
thanks alot guys, i think i'll change the part "and thier colection of filthy swine" to "from their homes in the coal mine".
anyone else?
Quote by steven seagull
Can I save money by using lightbulbs instead of tubes - will energy saving lightulbs last even longer?

Quote by latinosuperstud
if i buy a les paul studio and walk out into public a man in a clown and/or gorilla suit named tyrese, will come attack me and/or rape me
#6
anyone else wanna crit this, it's my first one in a few weeks.
Quote by steven seagull
Can I save money by using lightbulbs instead of tubes - will energy saving lightulbs last even longer?

Quote by latinosuperstud
if i buy a les paul studio and walk out into public a man in a clown and/or gorilla suit named tyrese, will come attack me and/or rape me