#1
hi, i've relised that i'm very very bad at songwriting. however despite this i've tried anyway and come up with some rubbish which i can't seem to make fit together well or anything. so basicaly i realy need help, feel free to critisize. thanks in advance for any comments. please be honest, thanks again.

Rainbow or cloud i can't see through this shroud
closing doors, of course i hide
when over the years i've slowly died
i lie here broken out of sight, or just mind?
it's hard to tell whats really true.
but back i go, more slack i throw
just to be with you.

you are my cancer
but what i want.
the placebo of my heart
the pain thats pouring
in my december rain

i think of you as my black rose,
a hidden secret, the thorn in my side
beutiful and rare so high my prize
but viper spikes turn on all
but it's not you're fault it never was.
you are an arrow in the sky
a bolt of light past the eye
but when you break ill stop you're fall
repair your wounds with my own blood.
but fly away, leaving straight away.

you are my cancer,
but what i want.
the placebo of my heart
the pain thats pouring
in my december rain


its not finished yet (i know loads of work needs to be done). also im not great at spelling or punctuation lol.
#3
not bad bro...
--gear--

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Pianists F.T.W.
#6
not bad althought a little cliche with blood,falling, and painn but i really like the placebo part not bad overall, after reading the thing u wrote at the top i expected it to be bad lol but it was pretty good dont put urself down!
#7
Wow, this is amazing. I don't really have any suggestions other than try to punctuate a bit, it makes it easier to read. There were only a few slightly cliche lines, but they'll be fine standing next to the rest of it, and the flow was only messed up I'd say once. (The line about fixing a wound with your own blood, in case you would like to know.) Otherwise, like I said before, this is actually really awesome. Not trying to be rude, but I was expecting, after reading your comment above it, it to be absolutely terrible, but you surprised me. Great job, man. You should be happy with this.

Do you need a suggestion for the new title? Or do you already have one?
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#9
well song is good all the people have already said what i wanted to
for title i say blackrose is a good option or maybe added with some other word of the song
like placebo of blackrose
Hi
#10
well song is good all the people have already said what i wanted to
for title i say blackrose is a good option or maybe added with some other word of the song
like placebo of blackrose

but ur the one who wrote this song it should be ur decision to decide the title
nobody can give u good title u have to find it urself
Hi
#11
repair your wounds with my own blood.

that is the only line i didn't like. i don't know why i just don't think it really fits. other then that it was really good. you should have a little more confidence in your writing. oh yea and the december rain i just couldn't handle that either only because of GnR but overall you did really good on this and i thought it was well written.

Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=498410
#12
thanks very much, ill definatly change the name then, hmmm hopefuly ill think of something.

any other comments?
#13
i was just reading another threat which asked people a very interesting question about what they thought the song was about. sorry for also stealing the question but im realy interested as to what people think. sorry if it seems as though i am quizzing you or anything, i am just interested in finding out if i have got a point across, also in my opinion many people hear music in differents ways and meanings which is why i would be interested to know what people think the song is about, or how it is interpereted.

thanks very much
#14

Rainbow or cloud i can't see through this shroudinternal rhyme improves the flow, nice
closing doors, of course i hide
when over the years i've slowly died
i lie here broken out of sight, or just mind?This line seems too long and detracts from the flow
it's hard to tell whats really true.
but back i go, more slack i throw
just to be with you.a bit cliche

you are my cancer
but what i want.
the placebo of my heart
the pain thats pouring
in my december rainI like this, you made it flow well, even without rhyming, don't cha nge it

i think of you as my black rose,seems cliche
a hidden secret, the thorn in my sideagain, cliche IMO
beautiful and rare so high my prize
but viper spikes turn on all
but it's not you're fault it never was.
you are an arrow in the sky
a bolt of light past the eye
but when you break ill stop you're fall
repair your wounds with my own blood.
but fly away, leaving straight away.a bit cliche, again
This verse seems cliche, but there is great imagery IMO

you are my cancer,
but what i want.
the placebo of my heart
the pain thats pouring
in my december rain


It's nice, just cliche in some parts, and the first verse has a wierd flow. IMO a 7/10
Haha! My first crit given in a while, lol. Would you crit one of mine (see my sig) when you get the chance?
Thanks in advance
#15
I really like this, like some other people said I wasn't expecting much from your comment before but its excellent imo! I have to agree the line "repair your wounds with my own blood" doesnt really fit but the idea is good. Otherwise, wiked
#16
thx very much ill crit yours asap. i think i might change that line then, and try to make it a bit more rythmic
#18
hey gd song man u just need 2 work on it i no mike u r shit but hey lets tlk in science bout it u gay!
#19
you've got a idea that could potentialy become good lyrics a tip for improving this go through it again and highlight the lines or one or two words you like and try and fit them together behonest only pick out the best bits or the bits that help with flow then when you have the core of the song adapt around them good luck please crit mine
#21
Great song, I think (like everybody else) "repair your wounds with my own blood" doesn't seem to fit in. I like the title, even though it seems like a knockback from GnR. Keep up the good work
#22
thx very much everyone. i guess ill take that line out and go through the whole song again trying to improve it. keep the crits coming i appreciate it a lot, thx again everyone, i will try to return all of your comments ASAP if you give me a link to your songs.