#1
Hey this is a song I wrote last year that I used to perform with my band. Its kind of fast and punky, sounds a bit like NOFX. What do you reckon?

Verse 1

You sold us out with all your shit
You put the people's lives at risk
Betrayed the ones that you were meant to serve

Everything was just a con
The fire door was painted-on
And now its time to get what you deserve


Chorus

Whoa, You cant hide forever
If we all fight together
We'll bring this to an end tonight

Whoa, you won't last much longer
Together we're much stronger
Now get out of my sight

This ends tonight

Verse 2

Protected by your lies and spin
You smile your slimy lizard grin
Always the charming face behind the gun

The domino that rules it all
We knock you down, the rest'll fall
It's time for you to pay for what you've done

Chorus

Verse 3 (ska style!)

The up and coming superstar
The golden boy who went too far
You're flying high but soon you'll crash and burn

You shattered dreams and stifled joy
The lying bastards' poster boy
You'll drown now cos the tide's begun to turn

Chorus


Cheers for reading, any comment would be much appreciated, I'll take a look at yours as well.

Check out my other song as well if you want - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=498430
Last edited by less_than_dave at Jan 11, 2007,
#2
woah that is powerful. here are some of my suggestions:

Whoa, You cant hide forever
If we all collide together (im not sure of the spelling but it sounds more interesting)
We'll bring this to an end tonight

Whoa, you won't last much longer (background vocal goes "its all burning down")
Together we're much stronger
Now get out of my sight

This ends tonight

You shattered dreams and stifled joy
The lying bastards' emo boy
You'll drown now cos the tide's begun to turn

lol ok thats just my suggestion. i really like your lyrics
#4
EXTREMELY powerful, and VERY unique! I think this is by far my favorite piece ever! lol I absolutely love it! The rhyming goes together so well.....wow....wow. lol That's all I can say! Keep it coming, please! I love it!
cHEER uP, eMO kiD!
#5
dude this is professional quality shit.this is SLIGHTLY emo-ish, but its an absolutely kick ass powerful set of lyrics.keep up the good work
What have we learned.....

Words are weightless here on earth,
because they're free


.....from this wee exercise?
#6
Thats pretty good. It's interesting. My only problem is even though it rhymes well, I don't like the "slimy lizard grin" part. Slimy and lizard aren't very... proffesional sounding. Try to replace those with something better. But thats just my opinion.
"For Us, For Them, For You"
#9
Quote by less_than_dave


Verse 1

You sold us out with all your shit
You put the people's lives at risk
Betrayed the ones that you were meant to serve

I like it, if i am correct you are talking about goverment? If so it is very easy to tell in the first verese...


Everything was just a con
The firse door was painted-on
And now its time to get what you deserve

Not much of a fan for the ryheming of con with on, but it works.

Chorus

Whoa, You cant hide forever
If we all fight together
We'll bring this to an end tonight

This is the part that made the whole song for me, a very powerful chorus...No my suggestion for acctually playing it would be diffrent then your idea probally but i was thinking something like, have a back up screamer scream tonight after the first time you say, i thik it would be awesome.

Whoa, you won't last much longer
Together we're much stronger
Now get out of my sight

same here back up screamer scream sight


This ends tonight

and again


Verse 2

Protected by your lies and spin
You smile your slimy lizard grin
Always the charming face behind the gun

The domino that rules it all
We knock you down, the rest'll fall
It's time for you to pay for what you've done

I like both of them, good job/ The flow has be constant.

Chorus

Verse 3 (ska style!)

The up and coming superstar
The golden boy who went too far
You're flying high but soon you'll crash and burn

You shattered dreams and stifled joy
The lying bastards' poster boy
You'll drown now cos the tide's begun to turn

so i'm guesing this is the part where you speed up? and I guess after the 3rd chorus you'd have a bbridge or a break down to get to the fast part?

Chorus


This is by far my favorite song i have commented yet, needs some work i think in the ska part..but over all very good job...8/10

check mine? siggy
#10
I like your kind of emo lyrics.. I like the chorus part especially...they're powerful... great job frd.. i really like this song
#11
I honestly do not see the emoness of this song...i mean not at all emo...if you want emo check my seconed song as i die for you...i dont even like it...


so yeah...The first verse
You sold us out with all your shit
You put the people's lives at risk
Betrayed the ones that you were meant to serve

does not give me an emo vibe...and if it is meant to be emo then my bad...but it honestly does not seem emo
#12
wow, this is extremely good, i feel as though it could go onto a cd as is (the slimy lizard grin part doesn't seem to fit right)...i love this line "Always the charming face behind the gun"...overall its extremely good, let us know if you ever record it
#13
In my head the ska part doesnt suit it, but im probably not thinking the same way you are for it, id love to see how you'd do the music for it, i can see it being really heavy, or quite mellow, just however you want it done, good job

could you take a look at my latest?
thanks
#14
some top quality stuff its obvius that you have talent for me the only thing that lets it down is the "slimy lizard grin" but apart from that small line good stuff

Btw could you have alook at my first and latest thread Gone
#15
I really like it, and (for the love of god) it's not emo at all.
By ska bit are you talking about a real slowed down, skanking sort of beat? Because i can imagine that bit being played in half-time to the rest of the song and in my head it sounds really good. Great job
#16
S'alright, nothing too special. Alot of lines do feel forced and cliche, and this detracts from the piece overall. I'd suggest you try and find ways to put your ideas across in new and original ways- avoid cliche punk phrases, its an easy habit to get into and one thats hard to get out of- you can be punk without being cliche, it just requires a bit more thought.

Thanks for the critique.
#18
Quote by jaymyvendetta
I really like it, and (for the love of god) it's not emo at all.
By ska bit are you talking about a real slowed down, skanking sort of beat? Because i can imagine that bit being played in half-time to the rest of the song and in my head it sounds really good. Great job


Yeah thats exactly what i was going for, thanks a lot!
#19
Yeah, these are good lyrics, i'm not a great fan of this genre of music but i'd say that by the time you've added the music considering it's good quality then this song could become popular...well done dude...7/10
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#20
Quote by RavenKlown
Explain hwo this execellent piece is cliche? He went about talking about the goverments(i believe) faults in an awesome way...explain


Seriously a cliche topic.

Heck, no one asked you to crit my critique- it's all personal opinion. neither you or I are right, we just try our best.
#21
WOW!!! Powerful, use a thesaurus to find some new better words to spice it up even more.
GREAT WORK I LOVE IT!!!
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#22
wasnt that powerful for me. i liked the line about the fire door being painted on. reminds me too much of the song from the all american rejects...with the similar chorus and all. anyways, good job.
#23
man i really like your shit dude, both of these songs are awesome, id like to hear the music that goes with them, but this is really powerful, and really well written, lookin foward to more
#24
liked this alot, because its asong! it'll work perfectly with music, because it flows perfectly

your ability to get the right number of syllables in lines is great, so well done!

loved this:


The domino that rules it all
We knock you down, the rest'll fall
It's time for you to pay for what you've done

and this!:

The up and coming superstar
The golden boy who went too far
You're flying high but soon you'll crash and burn
www.freewebs.com/silentproject
#26
Damn.... i REALLY like the chorus, the verses are also good, dont really feel i can critise this. Its way outta my league Great job, keep it up!
#29
hey again,

there's a lot of really good, original things in this but also a lot of cliches. I'll point out each. hell, I'll color code it. red - cliche blue - original

You sold us out with all your shit
You put the people's lives at risk
Betrayed the ones that you were meant to serve


Everything was just a con
The fire door was painted-on
And now its time to get what you deserve


Chorus

Whoa, You cant hide forever
If we all fight together
We'll bring this to an end tonight

Whoa, you won't last much longer
Together we're much stronger
Now get out of my sight

This ends tonight

Verse 2

Protected by your lies and spin

You smile your slimy lizard grin
Always the charming face behind the gun


The domino that rules it all
We knock you down, the rest'll fall
It's time for you to pay for what you've done

Chorus

Verse 3 (ska style!)

The up and coming superstar
The golden boy who went too far
You're flying high but soon you'll crash and burn

You shattered dreams and stifled joy
The lying bastards' poster boy

You'll drown now cos the tide's begun to turn

there. some areas I left black or meant to because they're neither that cliche or that original. you know what to do with this, I hope.

also it was a bit repetitive. I don't know what to say about that. this is a punk song so obviously you want to drill your point and that's usually done through saying the same thing over and over again (this is also why I don't listen to punk anymore.) ultimately people are going to realize there are only four punk songs- the one about religion, the one about war, the one about society, and the one about government. punk is an important genre because it challenges what people normally blindly believe and people need to do that more often, need to be reminded to do it. that's why punk's good, it's a nice little reminder. as far as artistic merit, however, one can really only take it so far. there's just not that much to work with. speaking from my experience, and of course this is only one man to one other man and you have to accept that's all it can ever be, if you want to grow as a writer/songwriter you're going to want to leave punk at some point. but that's just me. that's what I did.

sorry, I realize this is more about the genre than the piece, I have a tendency to do that, but I think it's more important to think about what kinds of things you want to write than to think about how you can best write something of which the principles of you haven't considered.

okay, good day to you.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#30
Quote by less than that
hey again,

there's a lot of really good, original things in this but also a lot of cliches. I'll point out each. hell, I'll color code it. red - cliche blue - original

You sold us out with all your shit
You put the people's lives at risk
Betrayed the ones that you were meant to serve


Everything was just a con
The fire door was painted-on
And now its time to get what you deserve


Chorus

Whoa, You cant hide forever
If we all fight together
We'll bring this to an end tonight

Whoa, you won't last much longer
Together we're much stronger
Now get out of my sight

This ends tonight

Verse 2

Protected by your lies and spin

You smile your slimy lizard grin
Always the charming face behind the gun


The domino that rules it all
We knock you down, the rest'll fall
It's time for you to pay for what you've done

Chorus

Verse 3 (ska style!)

The up and coming superstar
The golden boy who went too far
You're flying high but soon you'll crash and burn

You shattered dreams and stifled joy
The lying bastards' poster boy

You'll drown now cos the tide's begun to turn

there. some areas I left black or meant to because they're neither that cliche or that original. you know what to do with this, I hope.

also it was a bit repetitive. I don't know what to say about that. this is a punk song so obviously you want to drill your point and that's usually done through saying the same thing over and over again (this is also why I don't listen to punk anymore.) ultimately people are going to realize there are only four punk songs- the one about religion, the one about war, the one about society, and the one about government. punk is an important genre because it challenges what people normally blindly believe and people need to do that more often, need to be reminded to do it. that's why punk's good, it's a nice little reminder. as far as artistic merit, however, one can really only take it so far. there's just not that much to work with. speaking from my experience, and of course this is only one man to one other man and you have to accept that's all it can ever be, if you want to grow as a writer/songwriter you're going to want to leave punk at some point. but that's just me. that's what I did.

sorry, I realize this is more about the genre than the piece, I have a tendency to do that, but I think it's more important to think about what kinds of things you want to write than to think about how you can best write something of which the principles of you haven't considered.

okay, good day to you.


Shit thats a lot of red! The only "original" bit was nicked off the Simpsons! I have to disagree with you about punk songwriters though. Bands like Bad Religion, Alkaline Trio or even Green Day have some of the best songwriters around today in my opnion. Thanks for the crit though, it was very useful. (If you're right about the four punk songs I've only got one left to do!)
Last edited by less_than_dave at Jan 25, 2007,
#31
This is much better than jesus is my homeboy =P

prolly because its a little more serious.

i love your style man, very catchy, and powerfull.

9/10
#33
alkaline trio and green day are not punk. I'll give you bad religion. also, for the record, conspiracy of one sucked. smash is where it's at. wait, actually, all of the ones before conspiracy of one are where it's at.

you should do more of that, though, finding things that can be used in writing in weird places. tv can be a good source so long as you're actively thinking about it, bad music works too. I've come up with a lot of good lines from listening to bad music
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#34
actually i kinda like it....i bet sum sweet guitar riffs would make this song stand out great....i like the ryme scheme of it most....You sold us out with all your shit

You put the people's lives at risk
Betrayed the ones that you were meant to serve

Everything was just a con
The fire door was painted-on
And now its time to get what you deserve

thats my favorite part...overall...without music to it...i'd give it a 7...maybe 8 out of 10. could be a 10/10 if music is right and melody is too....

wanna crit mine??

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=516527