#1
Revised. - I am new here, nice to meet everybody. This is my attempt at story-telling songwriting. This is like a blue's rock on the guitar. There's some incongruities that I want to rehatch. I'd appreciate some constructive criticism but please dont post just to be harsh. Thanks.

-

I met a girl on this desert highway,
With the most compassionate eyes,
I've never known someone so cold,
That would give their heart in disguise.

My angel's the devil that I know,
Which is better than the devil I don't...
O, o, o...The devil I don't...o...o...
Girl, you know you're the only one,
It's too bad, it'll never be, I just won't...

She swore, she only wanted a ride,
But you should know there's always something more, people hide...

It may sound crazy but she wants my soul,
But I can't give it up, it's gone and it's gone for good.
Instead I gave all my love, but it isn't enough for her,
Right then I learned, On an open road,
You never get what you should...

My angel's the devil that I know,
Which is better than the devil I don't...
O, o, o...The devil I don't...o...o...
Girl, you know you're the only one,
It's too bad, it'll never be, I just won't...

She told me a thousand times,
'You're going straight to hell',
That seems all fine and well,
'Cause girl you are a thousand crimes.

Against Him, and with you he'll just never let, just never let me in...

Revision #2
Last edited by Razi El at Jan 9, 2007,
#2
Quote by Razi El


-

I met a girl on this desert highway,
With the most compassionate eyes,
I never knew someone until that day,
Who could have a heart as cold as ice...

Hmm, okay so, this is not the best tstart possible, i dont think you need to divide line 3 and 4 the way you did...it loses the reader a little bit

My angel's the devil that I know,
Which is better then the devil I dont...
O, o, o...

This whole chorus just confuses me, I'm not much of a fan of it to be honest.

And she swore she only wanted a ride,
But there's always something more that people hide...

Forced

It may sound crazy but she wants my soul,
I can't give, what I dont got and thats good,
Instead I gave her my love, which I stole,
Driving down this road, never get what you should...

Kay...so again, this feels out of place and just, not written well

My angel's the devil that I know,
which is better then the devil I dont...
O, o, o...

She told me a thousand times,
'You're going straight to hell',
That seems all fine and well,
Because girl you are my thousand crimes...

Thats a better way to end it then the way you started



Keep trying, I wan't to see more of your stuff, remember try to expand but make sense.
#3
Had to figure some way to start the song, thought setting the scene would be more appropriate.

The chorus is a play of words on the saying, 'The devil you know, is better than, the devil you don't'...

And making sense in songs, depends on what kind of songs you write

I also have a question, how many songs/lyrics can you post like a week or month?
Last edited by Razi El at Jan 6, 2007,
#4
Nice, I can imagine Johnny Cash singing this.

If he wasn't dead.
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I took a dump once and it smelled realy bad and it was like tortue. Or aroma theropy to some.

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Chord of David, eh?
G Sus, perhaps?

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i fucking blew a guys head up man.
#5
Hah, some people in real life have compared me to Johnny Cash, how strange.

Thanks though.
#6
sounds good post the song when youre done id like to hear it.
PROUD MEMBER OF THE

Ug Irish Clan - Pog mo Thoin
#7
Okay, I like the last verse. It is a perfect ending and closes it well. The only thing I can tell you to improve on would be the first verse, you need something more to pull the reader in, and the chorus, I know it's a play on words, but it a bit confusing and throws the reader off. Other than that, the rest was great and interesting. You had moderate imagery which is the perfect amount for something like this. Great job, man.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#8
The chorus throws people? Like that I am a satan worshipper or something lol...Just had a girlfriend once, and it was a love to hate to love relationship. Just thought my angel's the devil was appropriate, can't figure how its so confusing.

I would love to post song material on the internet but I dont have equipment for it, and I am not necessarily that computer savvy. What do you need to do that stuff?
#10
Quote by tay1392
Well, Not the worst song in the world, but pretty close!


umm sorry for being rude but dont be such a fag dude

if your gonna post something like that without even making a suggestion dont post- at least say what you dont like about it

i kinda like the ideas you use if you refine them i think it could make a pretty good song

i kinda like the first 2 lines but the last 2 could be changed up a bit like others have suggested

you might be able to change the wording on the chorus thing to something more like....
My angel's the devil that I know,
At least she's better then the one I dont...

and also

And she swore she only wanted a ride,
But people always got something to hide...

this next one might be forcin it a little too eh? but its a start

It may sound crazy but she wants my soul,
But thats one thing i dont got to give
Instead I gave my love, the love I stole,
Drivin down this road just dont seem to get old

maybe maybe not...

ending is good

peace
#11
Tay, I know you're offended by my post on yours, but I am just being truthful, if you can't handle it I suggest not posting because its open to ridicule, thats why I appreciate yours, but its blatant that you were going to write the same thing if you liked it or not.

Thanks for the suggestions jimi, appreciate it.
#15
Im sorry I lashed out on you I apologize. but you were A little rude on mine too.
#16
It's alright tay, I had no reason to answer so truthfully, I just thought posting someone elses lyrics wouldn't offend you so much.

I'll appreciate it if you get back to it synth, thanks.
#17
Quote by Razi El
I am new here, nice to meet everybody. This is my attempt at story-telling songwriting. This is like a blue's rock on the guitar. There's some incongruities that I want to rehatch. I'd appreciate some constructive criticism but please dont post just to be harsh. Thanks.

-

I met a girl on this desert highway,
With the most compassionate eyes,
I never knew someone until that day,
Who could have a heart as cold as ice...
This opening is decent, but the fourth line doesn't seem to fit well with the rest.

My angel's the devil that I know,
Which is better then the devil I dont...
O, o, o...
Now I've read your explanation for what this means so I understand it perfectly now, but upon my first tiem reading it I was confused. I think it would be great if you reworded it closer to the original saying, as it's far easier to understand, ahah.

She swore, she only wanted a ride,
But you should know there's always something more, people hide...
I feel this bit should either be taken out, or the second line be shortened to something that is closer to the first.

It may sound crazy but she wants my soul,
I can't give her, what I've lost and thats good,
Instead I gave her my love, she can't control,
Right then I learned, driving down this road,
You never get what you should...
This stand well on it's own but in this song it feels slightly out of place because it contains one extra line than your other verses. I think you should edit this a bit and you'd comeout with somethign really good.

My angel's the devil that I know,
which is better then the devil I dont...
O, o, o...

She told me a thousand times,
'You're going straight to hell',
That seems all fine and well,
Because girl you are my thousand crimes...
This is, by far, the best bit of the song, I feel. The rhyming does nto feel forced, and it's not in a common rhyme scheme either. Good stuff.


Overall, I thought that was good storytellign piece, and that I can also imagine that being sung by Johnny Cash. I tihnk that if you just rearrange a few words and fix up a few thigns to flow better taht you would definatley have a keeper here.
#18
hey its matt i dont care that u dont like my song but if u dont have anything helpfull to say so i can improve it dont comment. u ask that on ur songs and the rest of us would like the same respect that is all.
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Handjob?


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#19
At the moment I read the song, I thought simply rewriting it would be best. I know it was mean, but I was honest, that's not always a good thing. And the vomit I was refering to was my own, because I was drunk earlier that night, so I did have to clean it up. Now that I think of it, that was kind of distasteful.

Please don't bring your threads subjects to mine, okay? Appreciate it.
#20
well the just ****ing say that dont go off sayin "Please don't do your friend any more favors. Let him remain unable to post, please. Now I have to clean up the vomit on the floor." yea this is suppose to be a "nice" place where ppl can HELP each other edit and write songs, so words of advise no help, no post
#21
There's no reason to freak out, I said sorry. What do you want me to do, lie to you? I thought I was helping you. Sorry if you take it so personally. Honestly lets kill it now? I said sorry, it was uncalled for, and I am not going to say it one more time. You're dragging it out. Seems like you want someone to argue with, but I won't do it not in my post, I want critiques, not arguments.
#22
I've greatly revised this song, and I really like where it's going, I appreciate all the help that I've been given, if those who crit'd earlier would take a second look, I would crit theirs completely. I have to change a couple chords to it, but it works now. I need some help though.

Thanks again everyone, help is still needed though, I think.
#23
Scanned through the revision, greatly improved. I tried to crit your sec one...but it's freezing up on me and took like 15 mins to type...i doubt i'll do it like that again...haha...i'm frustrated with it...also...to that guy...take it to pm's if your going argue with him....Just wait till i get to it...you havnt seen harsh yet...ask many of these people here...they know me...
#24
Man, it is a good song, but on some parts you get thrown. The words in some areas also dont flow together! but other than that, great ending it closes great.

In this part: It may sound crazy but she wants my soul,
But that I can't <>give it up<>, it's gone and it's gone for good.
Instead I gave her all my love, but isn't enough,
Right then I learned, On an open road,
You never get what you should...

I think that sounds a bit better! OK, well keep it up and I want to hear more from you!
#25
Thanks for the crit, I altered some things, and you were right in that part mexp. Still open to crits, appreciate all that UG users have done. Working a lot now on changing the progession of the song musically, will alter it when song is done. And I will try and put it on here.