#1
havent posted on here for a while...but i figured i'd submit this and see what people think. it's the first chapter of a running story that's still in the works...i may post the ensuing chapters on here later.


here we are, young one;
board the boat. untie the rope.
a few somber goodbyes,
then it's time for you to go.
well, i have to admit
i never thought you'd make it this far.
thank God i was wrong.
but if you've been chosen as they say,
i guess it's been scripted this way.
everything that we've read
says nothing of a captain onboard,
so we will pray that this vessel sails itself.

so if you sink, will he let you drown?
do you test the God that gave you your crown?
i'm only a man who questions his worth
but i'll be dead before i bury you in this earth.

fourteen hands grab hold of the stern.
i watch and burn, hoping the tide turns.
you float away with unparalleled grace
into a darkness that's taken more formidable prey.


let me know what you think...
#2
Interesting idea writing about a game, i've never played it before but i'm assuming that your following the storyline of the game? it's very good! but...i don't know how well it would work as a song i mean it could work...but you'd be hard pressed to get it right, some of your rhymes don't quite fit and feel forced, with a bit of effort this could be turned into a really good song keep it up!
please crit my songs, any will do, so take me away would be good, into the ground is by my drummer not me.
Snyper
#3
its actually not about a game...deus ex machina is latin for "machine from God," so that's where the title comes from. that's just the name of the chapter, not the story. but yeah, it does look like some of the rhyme schemes won't fit. they sound okay with the music, but i'll agree that as far as the verses go it's a bit unorthodox. i might make a change to that.