#1
Bored and lonely i decided to write about how bad i dislike the town i went to school in. First time i ever wrote lyrics, so it has errors i'm sure.

This is a wonderful place
If you are fake
The expressions on my face
Expand from the jokes they make

It's come to be clear
They have made up their mind
I am not welcome here
Another place I want to find

Finally did something for myself
Not caring what others think
I took my feelings off the shelf
I cut all ties and links

I am out alone
Walking away from a shut door
Everynight the urge to get stoned
Surely different life than before

Either way it hurts
Haven't found a place I belong
My moods come and go in spurts
But still I am not wrong

To want a new start
Away from this town
It feels good to depart
Never accepted in your hometown

Although the story may seem sad
I am actually doing good
I feel like i've conquered the bad
Over the weak, I have stood, and I am better because of this
#2
This is a wonderful place
If you are fake
The expressions on my face
Expand from the jokes they make

good, feels a little unclear in terms of using the word expand

It's come to be clear
They have made up their mind
I am not welcome here
Another place I want to find

to make a more dramatic feel try i must find

Finally did something for myself
Not caring what others think
I took my feelings off the shelf
I cut all ties and links

nice

I am out alone
Walking away from a shut door
Everynight the urge to get stoned
Surely different life than before

last line dnt fit in all that well, maybe try putting in an a after surely

Either way it hurts
Haven't found a place I belong
My moods come and go in spurts
But still I am not wrong

my moods come and go in spurts doesn't feel right...but then agian i can't think of anything better for it lol

To want a new start
Away from this town
It feels good to depart
Never accepted in your hometown

the way you start this stanza makes it feel that it should end with something leading on to the protagonist finally moving onto what he wants to do...it feels good to depart fits in well, but never accepted in your hometown kinda interrrupts the train of thought

Although the story may seem sad
I am actually doing good
I feel like i've conquered the bad
Over the weak, I have stood, and I am better because of this

ok this stanza....REALLY needs work, word of advice...the words good and bad do not exist, they drop the standards of anyone's writing majorly...

This was a hard song to crit, i found little wrong with it to begin with but as it developed i noticed a few more problems, it is kinda like you ran out of ideas or didnt know how to expressm them right towards the end...that being said, with a few hours work your first song could be a real hit! this is a fantastic effort for a first song
hope i helped
please crit my songs, so take me away is MY newest cos into the ground is by my drummer
Snyper