#1
Verse 1

Gorgeous like roses because of a baby doll face
Melt in your mouth warm with a sweet candy taste
Innocent like youth but seductive like fire
Crazy like her father with cocaine desire
Alternative line: Loaded up with her cocaine fueled desire
From poor Georgia she’s a real peach
With evil spirit that you just can’t teach
A Lolita harlot without all the money
How was I ever stuck in her honey?

Chorus

I don't really love you
I just wanna f*ck you
I just barely know you
Not enough to love you

Verse 2

Daddy’s little girl became a white slave
When her mommy got remarried to save
Her own ass with her baby daughters looks
And hooked her on drug dealers and crooks
Subjected her to the touch of a nasty man
And threw her purity away in the trash can
Just because he thought he’d have her too
And leave what’s left for them to choose

Chorus

I don't really love you
I just wanna f*ck you
I just barely know you
Not enough to love you

Verse 3

Like a tasteless saline kiss from dirty lips
By an alternative queen with slut-like hips
Who spreads love and kisses like the plague
Alternative line: Who spreads her legs and love like the plague
Easy appreciation with fake love so vague
And the under age issue never came about
Until after the fact when she ratted us out
And like when she came back to me again
Where I committed my first unspeakable sin

Chorus

I don't really love you
I just wanna f*ck you
I just barely know you
Not enough to love you

Verse 4

I’ll be more than glad if I never see her again
That teenage jezebel was all to easy a friend
A broken smile reflected through ice blue eyes
Says I haven’t heard from her to my surprise
Good riddance to that poser Gothic witch
Farwell to my sinister seven-month bitch
Immaculate death to her strenuous peril and sh*t
Maybe she drown in a pool of her own poison spit
Alternative line: I hope she drowns in her own poisonous spit

Chorus

I don't really love you
I just wanna f*ck you
I just barely know you
Not enough to love you

I don't really love you
I just wanna f*ck you
I just barely know you
Not enough to love you


my hope was that the repetitive chorus was catchy enough to tie the song together let me know if it's too weak and takes away from the rest. crit for crit thanks...
#2
Dude, 5 words - That Is Awesome...Exclamation Point. It owns most song's lyrics....
Quote by minibrowny
Word on the street is, this girl called axel i think it was, spent the night in a disused barn eating owls.
Quote by mulletman500
I like my women like I like my coffee... male.

Yeah, but I sing like an amputee though.
Why?
'Cause. Can't hold a note, can't carry a tune.
#4
You, my friend, have a gift. I loved it. And I do think that the repition of the chorus was a good idea. Also, I liked the original line as opposed to the alternative line in all the places you had an alternative line.
"Imagine all the people, sharing all the world"
-John Lennon
#6
Dude, This is awesome! You're really Talented! I dont think that there's anything to criticize in here. =)
#7
i loved it it has gr8 flow and what should i say i am speechless nothing to criticize here and i think whatever i wanted to say everyone has said that

i liked alternate line in verse 1 better . keep writing seriously u have a gift
Hi
#8
Quote by punkrockconcept
Verse 1

Gorgeous like roses because of a baby doll face
Melt in your mouth warm with a sweet candy taste
Innocent like youth but seductive like fire
Crazy like her father with cocaine desire
Alternative line: Loaded up with her cocaine fueled desire
Wicked start, I really like these lines

From poor Georgia she’s a real peach
With evil spirit that you just can’t teach
A Lolita harlot without all the money
How was I ever stuck in her honey?
The content here is good but your rhymes sound kind of forced...maybe a slight change of rhyme scheme could add some variety?

Chorus

I don't really love you
I just wanna f*ck you
I just barely know you
Not enough to love you
Chorus is simple which is good and catchy too

Verse 2

Daddy’s little girl became a white slave
I really like this line but i think it may need another word or two
When her mommy got remarried to save
Her own ass with her baby daughters looks
And hooked her on drug dealers and crooks
Subjected her to the touch of a nasty man
And threw her purity away in the trash can
Just because he thought he’d have her too
And leave what’s left for them to choose
The content here is excellent, however I'm not totally sold on your choice of rhymes, it seems like you are choosing your words for rhyme sake which takes away from the ideas that you have. Play with this a little bit and I think you could really make it great

Chorus

I don't really love you
I just wanna f*ck you
I just barely know you
Not enough to love you
Catchy chorus but can it be slightly altered to keep it from getting repetitive, maybe add a line or two as a prechorus or something in the middle for variety

Verse 3

Like a tasteless saline kiss from dirty lips
By an alternative queen with slut-like hips
Once again a great starting couplet
Who spreads love and kisses like the plague
Alternative line: Who spreads her legs and love like the plague
Easy appreciation with fake love so vague
This set is not as smooth as it could be, a little rewording could go a long way
And the under age issue never came about
Until after the fact when she ratted us out
And like when she came back to me again
Where I committed my first unspeakable sin
Like above variation in rhyme scheme could add some flare

Chorus

I don't really love you
I just wanna f*ck you
I just barely know you
Not enough to love you
See above comments
Verse 4

I’ll be more than glad if I never see her again
That teenage jezebel was all to easy a friend
A broken smile reflected through ice blue eyes
Says I haven’t heard from her to my surprise
I like this section a lot, but reflected seems out of place, another word perhaps?
Good riddance to that poser Gothic witch
Farwell to my sinister seven-month bitch
Immaculate death to her strenuous peril and sh*t
Maybe she drown in a pool of her own poison spit
Alternative line: I hope she drowns in her own poisonous spit
Honestly I think that this is a predictable ending for this song. This is the only part of the song where I dont think that the content is great...if this ending is improved I think that it could tie this song together and make it tighter.
Chorus

I don't really love you
I just wanna f*ck you
I just barely know you
Not enough to love you

I don't really love you
I just wanna f*ck you
I just barely know you
Not enough to love you

Be careful not to over use this chorus, it starts out catchy but has the potential to become annoying and repetitive.

my hope was that the repetitive chorus was catchy enough to tie the song together let me know if it's too weak and takes away from the rest. crit for crit thanks...


There are some great ideas in this song, but I do think that it needs a few more edits. The content for the most part is really cool, and the flow of ideas works well. THe only problems I see are with your delivery...there are a few places where it can be improved upon. With a little work this song could be something pretty great.

As it stands 6.5/10 but i would like to read a rewrite. If you have time crit my song "THe Sickness". Thanks.
Last edited by kindenrock at Jan 7, 2007,
#9
predictable how? and with all due respect the only part of it I'd really consider changing is the chorus, i might tweak it, but I'm pretty satisfied with it. Thanks for the full crit though...
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#10
this is a bout as extensive a rewrite as this one gets, I picked my favorites out of the alternative lines, changed a couple words in the third verse, and added a bit of variation to the chorus. If I mess with it too much I'll screw it up...

Defacing Love Song

Verse 1

Gorgeous like roses because of a baby doll face
Melt in your mouth warm with a sweet candy taste
Innocent like youth but seductive like fire
Crazy like her father with cocaine desire
From poor Georgia she’s a real peach
With evil spirit that you just can’t teach
A Lolita harlot without all the money
How was I ever stuck in her honey?

Chorus

I don't really love you
I just wanna f*ck you
I just barely know you
Not enough to love you

Verse 2

Daddy’s little girl became a white slave
When her mommy got remarried to save
Her own ass with her baby daughters looks
And hooked her on drug dealers and crooks
Subjected her to the touch of a nasty man
And threw her purity away in the trash can
Just because he thought he’d have her too
And leave what’s left for them to choose

Chorus

They don't really love you
He just wants to f*ck you
They don't really know you
Not enough to love you

Verse 3

Like a tasteless saline kiss from dirty lips
By an alternative queen with slut-like hips
Who spreads love and kisses like the plague
Cheap affection with fake love so vague
And the under age issue never came about
Until after the fact when she ratted us out
And like when she came back to me again
Where I committed my first unspeakable sin

Chorus

She don't really love me
She just wants f*ck me
She just barely knows me
Not enough to love me

Verse 4

I’ll be more than glad if I never see her again
That teenage jezebel was all to easy a friend
A broken smile reflected through ice blue eyes
Says I haven’t heard from her to my surprise
Good riddance to that poser Gothic witch
Farwell to my sinister seven-month bitch
Immaculate death to her strenuous peril and sh*t
I hope she drown in her own poisonous spit

Chorus

Never really loved you
Didn't wanna f*ck you
I just barely know you
Not enough to love you

Never really loved me
Still wants to f*ck me
She just barely knew me
Not enough to love me
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#11
Gorgeous like roses because of a baby doll face
Melt in your mouth warm with a sweet candy taste
Innocent like youth but seductive like fire
Crazy like her father with cocaine desire
From poor Georgia she’s a real peach
With evil spirit that you just can’t teach
A Lolita harlot without all the money
How was I ever stuck in her honey?
There's nothing to fix here. I really like the flow and imagery. It didn't hit me until I had read this two times you were rhyming every line. That's saying something. Nothing sounds forced and the word choice keeps in line with the Southern/ Georgia feel. Great job.

Chorus

I don't really love you
I just wanna f*ck you
I just barely know you
Not enough to love you

Compared to the first verse, this is terrible. I'm sorry to say it. This could work somewhere else, but not in this song. This seems to have been totally ripped from somewhere else and then randomnly put in here. I would suggest rewriting this, totally get rid of it. I would suggest for the new chorus, use a higher vocab, but refrain from being wordy and rhyme-y like the first verse. You can do so much better than this.

Verse 2

Daddy’s little girl became a white slave
When her mommy got remarried to save Right here, the flow is a little messed up.
Her own ass with her baby daughters looks
And hooked her on drug dealers and crooks
Subjected her to the touch of a nasty man
And threw her purity away in the trash can
Just because he thought he’d have her too
And leave what’s left for them to choose
I think the last line is unecessary. You'd be fine taking it out. The only thing I don't like here is the flow isn't as great as the first verse. It's fine on it's own, but in comparison, the first is much better. It may be because you stretched a long sentence here.

Chorus

They don't really love you
He just wants to f*ck you
They don't really know you
Not enough to love you

Verse 3

Like a tasteless saline kiss from dirty lips Like the subtle rhyming here. Kiss/Lips.
By an alternative queen with slut-like hips
Who spreads love and kisses like the plague
Cheap affection with fake love so vague
And the under age issue never came about
Until after the fact when she ratted us out Same here. Fact/Ratted.
And like when she came back to me again
Where I committed my first unspeakable sin
I would replace 'where'. with something else. To me, it seems like the wrong conjunction to be using. The second to last line needs some improvement, I would suggest something less wordy with better, stronger words.

Chorus

She don't really love me
She just wants f*ck me
She just barely knows me
Not enough to love me

Verse 4

I’ll be more than glad if I never see her again
That teenage jezebel was all to easy a friend This line makes no sense to me.
A broken smile reflected through ice blue eyes
Says I haven’t heard from her to my surprise
Good riddance to that poser Gothic witch
Farwell to my sinister seven-month bitch
Immaculate death to her strenuous peril and sh*t
I hope she drown in her own poisonous spit
I don't know if this was a typo, but I would say 'she'll' in the last line. I like the imagery here. There really isn't much to change.
Chorus

Never really loved you
Didn't wanna f*ck you
I just barely know you
Not enough to love you

Never really loved me
Still wants to f*ck me
She just barely knew me
Not enough to love me

Overall, this really good. Except for the chorus, though. Other than that, everything else was fine with only little revision needed. Great job, man. BTW, thanks for the crit.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#12
Just an observation... I know there's a song that the chorus is almost the same... "I don't want to love you, I just want to **** you, you can bring your friends through, I'll **** you and them too." It's by Xzibit, believe it or not...

That being said, a quick readthrough showed me it was really good, and I really liked the alternate line in the second stanza... I'll throw up a full crit later.
from.lashes.to.ashes || from.lust.to.dust
#13
Great song! I love the realism of it. Kinda reminds me of rancid at times which is definately a good thing. I agree with punk rocker that your original lines are always better. Cheers for your comments on mine as well.