#1
This is still a work in progress, that's definite. I usually write peices with at least rythm , but not always rhyme. This was an experiment for me, and I know you guys will be the best critics. Crit for crit, thanks in advance.


I could have a notebook full of songs about you, and there wouldn't be enough words to say all that I want.
I'll give it a try anyways.
There's nothing I want more than you right now, and it sucks.
Your Green AE sweatshirt with those white pull things that serve no practical function.
I'm not sure if that's the brand because I'm usually staring at your eyes.
I like those eyes, and those glasses too. I honestly don't care what people think of you.
But still I keep lying to them! No, I don't "love" her. Are you crazy?
Shit.
I'm as big a liar as ENRON's CEO's and I've got 0/100 of the money.
I'm eclectic too, more eclectic than that guy at the office with the sticky notes.
You know, while I'm here, I like that smile too.
How sometimes your teeth almost show through, but it's more of a cheek and eyes thing.
Back to your eyes, it's funny how things circle around like that.
I'd call that a circle like I'd call our friendship a relationship.
I tell you you can confide in me; you turn away.
Still, I look at you, I long to tell you, I stare and forget your imperfections.
You're anorexic, but still beautiful with or without it.
You see a psychiatrist and a nutritionist.
You probably have mono, yet you tell me you haven't kissed anyone.
I know that's not the only way you can get it, but I don't care.
Remember that boyfriend you had? He was so emo it was a funny joke.
It destroyed me more than any trip beneath a tractor could ever.
I cried and became damn near an alcoholic.
That's fine with me, when I gathered the courage to tell you I liked you as more than that friend that everyone thinks is dating me...
You said thanks and left me a little e-heart.
It's not yours but it'll do.
Quote by soccermom
Of course eating unbelievable amounts of anything can probably harm you, but i chose bananas because they look like willies.
#2
i'm not really sure what i think about this. one: is it supposed to be a song? or what is it supposed to be? and two: i'm not sure. i just dont think that i really like it. it just doesnt seem to fit together very well. i'm sorry i cant be of more help, i just cant really explain it.
#3
i agree not exactlly a song per say but wow i read through it really closely and i REALLY like it great little story/poem thing if thats what your going for. it could make a song but im not exactlly sure how it woud "flow" lol but anyways great job
#4
I think its more like a letter...but anyway i like your words.... some of them are cool.. I really like the sentences.. good job frd
#5
yeah, definitely more of a letter than anything. everything is far too specific mto be a song. i like when specifics are thrown in occasionally, it adds character, but i feel there is too much here. it would be like me singing, "today i woke up at 7:43. i ate a 10 oz. bowl of lucky charms and buttoned 6 buttons on my red and white plaid flannel shirt that i got at the thrift store last week for only 6 dollars and 90 cents". i feel this is a BIG issue with song lyrics. the best ones i've heard are a VERY thin and fine balance between very vague and aproachable and personally specific. hope that helps.
SG
Thunderverb 50
Foot Computers
Beer and snacks
Scenery
#6
Thanks for the crit.
Unfortunatly i'm not that sure of what to say about this. I like it, it has something about it that's unique, which is good obv.
I get the impression that it's based on a very modern romance but perhaps it isn't going too smoothly. Or maybe it's about loving someone from afar and not quite knowing what to do about it?
Anyway i wouldn't change any of it, it's a good piece of writing whatever it may be.