#1
This is a song I wrote about a girl that visited me once and i had a giant crush on her but was too afriad to let her know.

California Girl.


Now and then when I think of her
It makes me wanna cry...
to know that this girl
Can't be mine...

here I am now thinking of her...
and I dont know what to do
But it doesn't matter
my dreams of her could never come true

I'm tired of all this sh**
The popular people and there cliques[SP?]
and knowing that we can never be together
makes me feel the cold of the weather..

I wonder if she thinks of me
as much as I think of her
I just hope to see her one day
and all my troubles could go away

oh yeah yeah yeah
california girl.....
oh yeah yeah yeah
california GIRL!!!!!!!!

any help would be appreciated! thanks
#2
alright alright good concept the california girl part is so cliche is not even funny i would ditch that title and the ending
#3
Now and then when I think of her
It makes me wanna cry...
to know that this girl
Can't be mine...

No rhymes in this stanza, to know this girl can't be mine...i think knowing that this girl can't be mine sounds a bit better

here I am now thinking of her...
and I dont know what to do
But it doesn't matter
my dreams of her could never come true

This stanza is good, but we know you are tlaking about her, so maybe for last line go for my dreams could never come true, otherwise you are saying her wayy too much throughout the song and it gets repetative

I'm tired of all this sh**
The popular people and there cliques[SP?]
and knowing that we can never be together
makes me feel the cold of the weather..

first the lines are great (Clichés is the corrects spelling) the last line really doesn't do anything for me though

I wonder if she thinks of me
as much as I think of her
I just hope to see her one day
and all my troubles could go away

the last two lines...i know your getting at it being an escape, but in reality all that it'll do is cause more problems and make him want her more...he can't get her...so why keep tempting him like that?

oh yeah yeah yeah
california girl.....
oh yeah yeah yeah
california GIRL!!!!!!!!

the fact that she is a california girl really should be mentioned earlier in the song

Ok main things that are wrong: your rhyming pattern changes, It's repetative and you have no proper structure ie chorus
its a good start keep developing it and it'll work really well!
please crit my songs, any will do, so take me away would be good, into the ground is by my drummer not me.
Snyper
#4
Ok here it is revised

Now and then when I think of her
It makes me wanna cry...
knowing that this girl
Can't be mine...

here I am now thinking of her...
and I dont know what to do
But it doesn't matter
my dreams could never come true

I'm tired of all this sh**
The popular people and there cliches
and knowing that we can never be together
makes it even harder to surrender

I wonder if she thinks of me
as much as I think of her
I just hope to see her one day
and all my pain could go away

your a californian girl
the best one I'll ever meet
your as beautiful as a pearl
Get out of my head so I can finally sleep

tell me what you think