#1
I wrote this lyric without thinkin of a rithym so i dunno if it will sound better as a slow song or Papa roach kind rithym. I Think is driven more to be a Papa Roach type of song, but i guess there's more experienced people here so i'll take constructive criticism if you wanna help =)


******The Truth of our Existence******
Todays the day
That we'll be forsaken
With our lives Thrown
Directly To the Ground
Our dreams and hopes
Have been Mistaken
Todays the last day
That we'll be around
Around this World
Of Hypocrisy
There's nothing Left
Except Dignity
We'll Stand up for our rigths
Until theres no one left to fight
We'll make things right
And it will happen tonight
(Chorus)
We are here to Dig The truth
(Our past is gone there nothing else to lose)
We came this far, no more tears to cry
(We'll make thing rigth and it will happen tonight)

This is The Truth of our Existence ( Repeats until songs fades)

There was a couple of requets the erase the last sentace about credence so i took it out and instead of replacing i think it better to repeat the last phrase over and over.
Last edited by Brazilianrocker at Jan 7, 2007,
#2
sorry for being brief but i gotta go

just 2 quick things that stood out to me rythmically

Only Dignity- just dignity (i kinda think it flows better)
no one left to fight- none left to fight- maybe? (same as above)
And it will happen tonight- and it'll (same as above)
We came this far, no more tears to cry- just ditched one word (same as above)

like the ideas though
#3
Thanks. Whenever I have an idea for a song in mind I seriously beg for a piece of paper to write it down...lOl. I'd love to see more people posting their comments =)
#4
Todays the day
That we'll be forsaken
With our live Thrown
To the Ground

Alright, this part is good, but for a better flow in the last 2 lines I would change them to "With our lives thrown down, directly at the ground". Just my opinion though.

Our dreams and hopes
Have been Mistaken
Todays the last day
That we'll be around

Alright part I guess.

Around this World
Of Hypocrisy
There's nothing Left
Only Dignity

I like but i would reword the last 2 again. Maybe to " There's not much left, 'cept for dignity."

We'll Stand up for our rigths
Until there no one left to fight
We'll make things right
And it will happen tonight

I think you should change 3rd line to "We're going to make things right". It just seems to make the flow better.

(Chorus)
We are here to Dig The truh
(Our past is gone there nothing else to lose)
We came this far there no more tears to cry
(We'll make thing rigth and it will happen tonight)

I would take out the word there so it is " we came this far, no more tears to cry.

This is The Truth of our Existence
With no shame well show you our Credence

This part doesn't seem too well with me. But to you it might. It's just that the word Credence seems to be forced.

Well I think so far you have a pretty good song going here. These type of songs about government or being pushed around are the hardest to write in my opinion. But just make some changes and it should turn out for the best. If you have time I would love if you could crit mine. It is in my signature.
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#5
Alright. Made some changes that were suggested. Writting about being pushed around is hard but i think i did a good job here. What would be a good word to replace credence? Thanks a lot