#1
Hey it's me again just a bit of background on this song, i didn't write it, the drummer for my band did, he isn't a member so he asked me to post it up here for him, it's his first song so constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. the parts in red are whispered

CRIT4CRIT

Into The Ground

I can’t sleep
‘Cos the dark
It brings nightmares
Of falling, of failing
Of hurting, and waiting
I can’t sleep
Without seeing your face
Begin to fade
I’m losing and failing
Your face keeps on fading
And I hear you wailing
As you’re torn away from this place
This world keeps on shaking
As I try to wake
It’s bent on destruction
It’s falling and flailing
And falling and flailing
Down into the ground
Down into the ground
Down down
Ground down whisper
Down ground
Into the ground
Down into the ground

I-------‘m
Falling and flailing
I’m losing and failing
The fight
The dark
Is closing
And I’m failing
I can’t take anymore
Sleep brings dark
Dark brings nightmares
And losing but flailing
To get out
I need to get out
I can’t take it
I need out
This world, it hates
Your face, it fades
Your laugh is a dream
Something take me
Down into the ground
Down into the ground
Down down
Ground down whisper
Down ground
Down into the ground

Take me down
Into the ground…


CRIT4CRIT
and i do full crits!
#2
whoah. awesome. any way my band could use this? i mean if you're not gonna, but we're just starting out, doing covers, and we'd like some cool original stuff. feel free to answer back... but yeah i already love this song
#3
The main problem here would be the cliche factor. Nearly every line and concept here are typical "The darkness is coming, pain and nightmares, etc.". I would suggest he try to think outside of the box and come up with some original, creative, different outlooks on something like this. The chorus is great, however, so I would suggest keeping it, scrapping the rest, and writing a whole new song built around it.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#4
First up thanks for the critt on my song. Ok i agree with what nerk says, most of this is really cliche, you've gotta try think of another way to get the point across. It probly wouldnt be bad as a song but if you want it to be great lyricly think of another way to come across.