#1
Manufactured two by two,
you're fresh off the line.
You're a dime a dozen,
"perfection" is easy to find,
once you discover the mold.

You're on top of the world,
watching us under your reign.
You avoid our Hell's flames,
because you know,
plastic can only withstand
so much before it melts.

Crystal eyes, porcelain skin,
Pearl smiles, gossamer hair.
Don't look too far behind it all
because you'd be disappointed to find
NOTHING within.

Hey Prostheic People
in your Plastic Paradise,
what's your melting point?

You force those real
to contort to your whims.
Because you know,
plastic can only bend,
so far before it snaps.

Crystal eyes, porcelain skin,
Pearl smiles, gossamer hair.
Don't look too far behind it all
because you'd be disappointed to find
NOTHING within.

Hey Prostheic People
in your Plastic Paradise,
what's your melting point?

So let me know what you think. I will probably be adding more content to it. Any comments extremely appreciated. CRIT4CRIT, of course. Thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#2
okay here it goes


me= RED


Manufactured two by two,
you're fresh off the line.
You're a dime a dozen,
"perfection" is easy to find,
once you discover the mold.

Great job here I can really understand that you get perfection once you find the perect mold.

You're on top of the world,
watching us under your reign.
You avoid our Hell's flames,
because you know,
plastic can only withstand
so much before it melts.

Awesome, flawless...

Crystal eyes, porcelain skin,
Pearl smiles, gossamer hair.
Don't look too far behind it all
because you'd be disappointed to find
NOTHING within.

I am not sure I understand why this "person" is it? why tthey are so empty

Hey Prostheic People
in your Plastic Paradise,
what's your melting point?

You force those real
to contort to your whims.
Because you know,
plastic can only bend,
so far before it snaps.

nothing wrong here

Crystal eyes, porcelain skin,
Pearl smiles, gossamer hair.
Don't look too far behind it all
because you'd be disappointed to find
NOTHING within.

Hey Prostheic People
in your Plastic Paradise,
what's your melting point?

I can't even begin to say how flawless this was, it means something, but yet it still makes you figure it out at first..you know what I mean? I am not sure I really critiqued it much but I tried. Great job man keep up the good work!
#4
I don't even need to give this a full crit...it doesn't need one!! but i do think sometimes you are a little too wordy which may cause problems for the singer...other than that i can't really see many things wrong
please crit my songs so take me away is MY latest song cos into the gorund was written by my drummer
Snyper
#5
How do I get a picture in my name and how do i create a signature? sorry for noob question in your song nerk
#6
Thanks you guys for the comments.

Tay1392: Thanks for all of the compliments. To your question about the song, it's about the many Barbies and Kens in the world. The people who believe good looks are everything, so basically they're pretty hollow, there's nothing there on the inside. They're just a pretty face. To your other questions, check out the FAQ. It'll have all the answers you need. Thanks again.


Snyper141:Is that a problem in the song? If so, how would you suggest I cut back on the words and keep it more concise. I can't really see how to do it, I've always had a problem with it. This one is actually one of the most concise songs I've done. Any tips? I would appreciate it. Thanks again.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#7
2nd stanza 4th line seems not to fit. Maybe find another more flowing way of saying it.

Stanza 5 needs re writting it just doesnt really have a flow with the rest of the piece.

Besides them the song seems to be really good. O and thanks for critting mine.
#8
Thanks. What would you suggest? I would appreciate any suggestions to bettering the flow.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#9
Ok well im not sure what words to use but change the 3rd line and the word snaps in the 5th line, im not really sure. Also ive edited my piece u might wanna take another read if u can.
#10
pretty good. very nice writing, i loved the first stanza of (what i assume is) you chorus. the idea of your song is pretty similar to Pretty Vacant by the Sex Pistols (if youve heard the lyrics) and that kind of made me think this wouldve been better using the cynical kind of irony, in some way, that they used to use. if you write punk (i assume so since your a greenday fan i guess) and you dont alreaady listen to them, check them out, their some of the best punk writers IMO. anyway, this was still a very good song, the verses were solid, but the chorus was what really caught my attention, and ya, really cool.
btw, thanks for critting my song, i just edited it if you want to check that out again, but you dont have to. ya thanks!
#11
Quote by nerk13
Manufactured two by two,
you're fresh off the line.
You're a dime a dozen,
"perfection" is easy to find,
once you discover the mold.
This is a very good opening and I feel you shouldn't change anything at all. I like his kind of writing

You're on top of the world,
watching us under your reign.
You avoid our Hell's flames,
because you know,
plastic can only withstand
so much before it melts.
This is another great verse, though it itsn't my facvourite. It's very good and the last two lines in particular stand out.

Crystal eyes, porcelain skin,
Pearl smiles, gossamer hair.
Don't look too far behind it all
because you'd be disappointed to find
NOTHING within.
This is my favourite part. 'Crystal eyes, porcelain skin, pearl smiles, gossamer hair.' That's just perfect. Great stuff.

Hey Prostheic People
in your Plastic Paradise,
what's your melting point?
Least favourite bit here.

You force those real
to contort to your whims.
Because you know,
plastic can only bend,
so far before it snaps.
Another nice verse. Very strong writing through the whole thing.

Crystal eyes, porcelain skin,
Pearl smiles, gossamer hair.
Don't look too far behind it all
because you'd be disappointed to find
NOTHING within.
This is my favourite part. 'Crystal eyes, porcelain skin, pearl smiles, gossamer hair.' That's just perfect. Great stuff.

Hey Prostheic People
in your Plastic Paradise,
what's your melting point?
Least favourite bit here.



I really enjoyed this piece, and I found it well-written and very strong. Sure, there was the one bit I didn't like much, but that's just personal preference. I wouldn't change much, unless you choose to fix one or two words that you find wrong. Overall, it was top notch.

Could you crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=499696
#12
to above, thought I'd just let you know, what you did wasn't a crit. You mentioned one line as being perfect, and said a few lines stand out as good, and something was your least favorite bit, but never mentioned anything in particular and why.
#13
Quote by nerk13
Manufactured two by two,
you're fresh off the line.
You're a dime a dozen,
"perfection" is easy to find,
once you discover the mold.
I'd cut the you're in the second line, as it's pointless. This is kind of well, straightforward with a few metaphors that don't really add anything to it.

You're on top of the world,
watching us under your reign.
You avoid our Hell's flames,
because you know,
plastic can only withstand
so much before it melts.
I really hate this addressing to the reader or whoever this is addressed to. It feels like an emo piece or an angry piece. L3 is quite awkward. You say 'you' or 'your' or 'you're' and other forms of the word too much in these stanzas. L4 seems like pure filler and totally useless.

Crystal eyes, porcelain skin,
Pearl smiles, gossamer hair.
Don't look too far behind it all
because you'd be disappointed to find
NOTHING within.
I hate the 'you' being used again in line 4. Say something like "because only dissappointment lies with finding" or something. I don't like the last two lines at all, as it just seems used and cliche, and puts an air of, well, a slightly higher vocabulary attributed to a depressing view on an artificial person. I know what you're going for, as I've written something related to this stanza.

Hey Prostheic People
in your Plastic Paradise,
what's your melting point?
I like the last line, but it seems totally unrelated other than to emphasize the manufactured bit. I'm not a fan of the usage of prosthetic, as it doesn't make much sense to me in this case.

You force those real
to contort to your whims.
Because you know,
plastic can only bend,
so far before it snaps.
Again, the you know thing, and the you ____ crap again. Why is there a pause after everything? It never occurred to me until here. Apply this to the rest of the piece. Its a good concept, just have it make more sense.

Crystal eyes, porcelain skin,
Pearl smiles, gossamer hair.
Don't look too far behind it all
because you'd be disappointed to find
NOTHING within.

Hey Prostheic People
in your Plastic Paradise,
what's your melting point?


I don't remember most of your work, but I do remember reading something better than this. This just seems angsty with all the addressing to 'you'. You could do this in a minimalist way and truly make a better point, also by using an outside perspective to avoid the 'you'.

If you could crit my latest, its not in my sig, but it should be somewhere on the 2nd or 3rd page. Called "An Insignificant Drop in Altitude".
#14
Overall I like it, it could be better with a little revising though. I agree with punchupatatigge on most of what he said in his full crit. Line two in the first stanza would sound better without the you're or maybe atleast change it to they're. Line 4 in the second does sound like a filler, you could make the same point by removing it. I'm not gonna criticize the use of "you" in the song because I'm a personal fan of angst and aggression but if you're just trying to a paint of picture of all these fake people without your anger getting in the way you might want to consider chaning it.

you can crit mine if you want. Here's the link Defacing Love Song - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=499480
#15
I liked it. Might need a little overall improved flow.

Crystal eyes, porcelain skin,
Pearl smiles, gossamer hair.
Don't look too far behind it all
because you'd be disappointed to find
NOTHING within.

I liked this part, except the word "NOTHING". A quick fix would be to change nothing to emptiness, but maybe it would be better to change that line and the one before it. Try and relate it to something plastic, or mechanical, instead of nothing.
#16
have u been listening to green day lately? haha. it was pretty good.
Green Day rox!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#17
Ok well im not sure what words to use but change the 3rd line and the word snaps in the 5th line, im not really sure. Also ive edited my piece u might wanna take another read if u can.


I'll check it out later when I can. You don't have any recommedations for another word to replace snap, I can't really think of anything that would work. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know.

pretty good. very nice writing, i loved the first stanza of (what i assume is) you chorus. the idea of your song is pretty similar to Pretty Vacant by the Sex Pistols (if youve heard the lyrics) and that kind of made me think this wouldve been better using the cynical kind of irony, in some way, that they used to use. if you write punk (i assume so since your a greenday fan i guess) and you dont alreaady listen to them, check them out, their some of the best punk writers IMO. anyway, this was still a very good song, the verses were solid, but the chorus was what really caught my attention, and ya, really cool.
btw, thanks for critting my song, i just edited it if you want to check that out again, but you dont have to. ya thanks!


Thanks. I'll look at that song and get back to you.

I really enjoyed this piece, and I found it well-written and very strong. Sure, there was the one bit I didn't like much, but that's just personal preference. I wouldn't change much, unless you choose to fix one or two words that you find wrong. Overall, it was top notch.


Thanks, I was wondering... what didn't you like about that one verse? I'd like to know so I can improve it. Any input welcome.

Manufactured two by two,
you're fresh off the line.
You're a dime a dozen,
"perfection" is easy to find,
once you discover the mold.
I'd cut the you're in the second line, as it's pointless. This is kind of well, straightforward with a few metaphors that don't really add anything to it.

You're on top of the world,
watching us under your reign.
You avoid our Hell's flames,
because you know,
plastic can only withstand
so much before it melts.
I really hate this addressing to the reader or whoever this is addressed to. It feels like an emo piece or an angry piece. L3 is quite awkward. You say 'you' or 'your' or 'you're' and other forms of the word too much in these stanzas. L4 seems like pure filler and totally useless.

Crystal eyes, porcelain skin,
Pearl smiles, gossamer hair.
Don't look too far behind it all
because you'd be disappointed to find
NOTHING within.
I hate the 'you' being used again in line 4. Say something like "because only dissappointment lies with finding" or something. I don't like the last two lines at all, as it just seems used and cliche, and puts an air of, well, a slightly higher vocabulary attributed to a depressing view on an artificial person. I know what you're going for, as I've written something related to this stanza.

Hey Prostheic People
in your Plastic Paradise,
what's your melting point?
I like the last line, but it seems totally unrelated other than to emphasize the manufactured bit. I'm not a fan of the usage of prosthetic, as it doesn't make much sense to me in this case.

You force those real
to contort to your whims.
Because you know,
plastic can only bend,
so far before it snaps.
Again, the you know thing, and the you ____ crap again. Why is there a pause after everything? It never occurred to me until here. Apply this to the rest of the piece. Its a good concept, just have it make more sense.

Crystal eyes, porcelain skin,
Pearl smiles, gossamer hair.
Don't look too far behind it all
because you'd be disappointed to find
NOTHING within.

Hey Prostheic People
in your Plastic Paradise,
what's your melting point?

I don't remember most of your work, but I do remember reading something better than this. This just seems angsty with all the addressing to 'you'. You could do this in a minimalist way and truly make a better point, also by using an outside perspective to avoid the 'you'.

If you could crit my latest, its not in my sig, but it should be somewhere on the 2nd or 3rd page. Called "An Insignificant Drop in Altitude".


Wow, thanks for the crit. It's probably the best I've gotten yet.

I can see what you're saying about the accusatory point of view. This is something knew for me, I generally write much, much differently than this. I don't think I can really pull off the angsty, anger angle. I tried what you said, but I couldn't quite make it work. I know this is a lot to ask, but would you please show me what you mean? I don't like the way I phrased it too fondly, but I can't really find another way to phrase it without the you's. I like the line you suggested much better than what I had, but I'm having difficulty rephrasing the rest to match it. Any help would be much appreciated.

In your crit of the 5th stanza, you said to apply something to the rest of the song. I didn't quite understand what you meant. Could you explain that?

I'll take a look at yours, of course. Thanks again.

Overall I like it, it could be better with a little revising though. I agree with punchupatatigge on most of what he said in his full crit. Line two in the first stanza would sound better without the you're or maybe atleast change it to they're. Line 4 in the second does sound like a filler, you could make the same point by removing it. I'm not gonna criticize the use of "you" in the song because I'm a personal fan of angst and aggression but if you're just trying to a paint of picture of all these fake people without your anger getting in the way you might want to consider chaning it


Okay, you think the you's work. Alrighty then, I guess it depends on the audience. Since you aren't the first to say it, I'll probably take that line out, or rewrite it. Thanks for the comments. I'll definitely look at yours. Thanks again.

I liked this part, except the word "NOTHING". A quick fix would be to change nothing to emptiness, but maybe it would be better to change that line and the one before it. Try and relate it to something plastic, or mechanical, instead of nothing.


Thanks for the suggestion, I'll work on it.

have u been listening to green day lately? haha. it was pretty good.


But of course. Green Day does indeed rock. Thanks, man.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#18
hey nerk i finnally got my account up and running its matt the original writer of "grim reaper", "out of my head" and "stitches" thanks for the crits on those by the way