#1
1st song ive written in a while, i really wanna make it work. It needs fixing i think but i just wanted some opinions on it and anything you thought that didnt fit etc. Its a poem not a song or anything.

Crit for Crit.


Why?

Why does my happiness have to fade away?
Like the fleeting red in the sunset
It shows its beauty then disappears

Why do they have to betray me like this?
Bringing me back down into this abyss
Like monsters under the bed of an innocent child

Why is it that when you call I come running,
But when I need someone your nowhere to be found?
Hiding away like a sunflower in the night
Waiting for my darkness to be over so you can bask in my light

Why even when all this happens,
I always seem to come back?
Like a dog returning to its master
No matter how badly it’s treated.

Why do I love you?
Last edited by Feel bad inc. at Jan 8, 2007,
#2
The ending, IMO, made the song. I really didn't like it up to the last verse, after that it all fit together and made sense. My only suggestion would be to change the first verse's imagery to match the rest. I like the overall tone of the song the most, the first verse seems to clash with the rest of it to me. I may just be me, though, so get a second opinion on that before you really consider it. But yeah, like I said, this is pretty good. The ending is brilliant and the imagery is fantastic. Great job, man.

If you wanna take a look at mine, I'd appreciate it. Thanks.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=499638
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#3
I like this song quite a lot...but some of your similies are just wayyyy to cliche..or they just sound out of place "like an animal in hibernation" really really really doesn't work the idea works, but the words don't if you follow what i'm saying....also you need to develop a structure and a rhyming pattern, your stanza length kept changing which can work but not always...this needs some work but i'm confident it'll turn out good
please crit my songs so take me away is MY latest song cos into the gorund was written by my drummer
Snyper
#4
thanks ill get to the crits soon. Also to snyp i think the similies are fine. And nerk i agree with you i might look at re doing it.
#5
Quote by Feel bad inc.


Why?

Why does my happiness have to fade away?
Like the fleeting reds of the sunset,
It shows its beauty then disappears

good imagery

Why do they have to betray me like this?
Bringing me back down into this abyss
Like monsters under the bed dragging in a child i dont really get this line a whole lot makse sense like monsters under thebed, but then the draggin in a child doesnt fit i dont think

Why is it that when you call I come running,
But when I need someone your nowhere to be found?
Hiding away like an animal in hibernationi dont like this simile a whole lot to make it better i would change hiding to something else cuz when u say hiding like an animal in hibernation it just seems like saying the same thing twice althought hibernation is means longer term just my 2cents
Waiting for my winter frost to leave so you can enjoy the good timesi would change "good times" to something else more emotional / powerful

Why even when all this happens,
I always seem to come back?
Like a dog returning to its master
No matter how badly it’s treated.

Why do I love you?
Bravo on the ending greeeeat parrallel between a dog and your feeling towards i assume a girl



Good poem i like it alot because i can relate to feelings that iv had about girls although i do enjoy a rhyme here or there the great imagery makes up for it!
#6
ok thanks for crits so far. I just edited it changing the 3rd stanza a lil. tell me what you think of the change
#7
The revision of the third verse: The last line seems a little to long, it disrupts the flow and seems awkward. The sunflower in the night is a great simile however, makes great imagery.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#8
thanks for that nerk, when i speak it, it doesnt seem to but i dunno guess its how its read.
#10
Why does my happiness have to fade away?
Like the fleeting reds of the sunset,
It shows its beauty then disappears

Maybe change the second line to, 'Like the fleeting red in the sunset', just seems to complement well with the next line. Nice though.

Why do they have to betray me like this?
Bringing me back down into this abyss
Like monsters under the bed dragging in a child

Last line, could change it up to be, 'Like monsters under the bed of an innocent child', think its obvious what monsters do to little children, so no need to explain.

Good last paragraph, overall pretty good.
#11
It needs a bit of work. It seems most people already covered most of it. All I have to say is that it's a bit trite. Which would be alright if it were a song, but this is a poem. Some of the similes are really poetic, but a lot of the poetic ones don't make a lot of sense.
#13
Why?

is one of the most clicheed things ever to say in a song or poem. But, I guess you can hardly change it without making it into a new song.

Why does my happiness have to fade away?
Like the fleeting red in the sunset
It shows its beauty then disappears

A decent first stanza. Sunsets are also a simile which is a bit overused, but this works fine. It has a nice rhythm to it.

Why do they have to betray me like this?
Bringing me back down into this abyss

"Abyss" is an unfortunate wording, since it's a word most people think is cool (which it is) and original (which it is not). I suggest changing it.

Like monsters under the bed of an innocent child

A nice likening, and while it's not exactly original, it's not overused and works just fine in the context.

Why is it that when you call I come running,
But when I need someone your nowhere to be found?

you're*

Hiding away like a sunflower in the night
Waiting for my darkness to be over so you can bask in my light

YES. These two lines are GREAT.

Why even when all this happens,
I always seem to come back?
Like a dog returning to its master
No matter how badly it’s treated.

The word "treated" just messes up the rhythm in this line and gives it a syllable too much. I suggest changing.

Why do I love you?

Aha, a solid line to end on, not original but not unbearable in the context. A fine poem overall, I particularly liked the third stanza.