#1
My latest work has moved away from my more obscure style of writing and it was an attempt at a cathcy pop/rock song. Imagine it sung in an Arctic Monkeys style. I don't plan on this becoming much more than just a pop song, so don't tear it apart, just tell me if it has a catchy feel or not and offer any suggestions. Crit for Crit. Thanks in advance.

I'm thinkin it might be alright
To tell you, you look downright
Gorgeous.
But what if I say somethin' wrong?
I fear you'd stay mad for too long.

So instead I stay silent and give you the look
As if I were some guy in some ol' book
Remember the smiles I stole and you took
I think I'd be alright if I called you a crook, oh.

I'm hopin' for the best tonight
Tellin' myself you look downright
Gorgeous.
Through your smoke I can tell you
Without fear you could hear me too...

So instead I stay silent and give you the look
As if I were some guy in some ol' book
Remember the smiles I stole and you took
I think I'd be right if I called you a crook, oh.

(This is an instrumental bridge/guitar solo.)

So I write you a number on a paper I found
Only to see you smile through a frown
I'm sorry I love you, I may seem like a clown
But that's what you get when you live out of town, oh.
Last edited by Tsunoyukami at Jan 7, 2007,
#2
some of the lines are good . a sort of cliche and rhyming is sort of nursery rhyme.try writing songs independent of rhyme (there should be some rhyme) it will give u more freedom. catchy factor depends on type of music u will give
Hi
#3
It's alright for a pop song. It strays a little from normal pop song rhyme and lyrics, but that's good. I'm particually liking the "...downright/Gorgeous" lines, gives i a ctachy feel to me. Good job dude.
The will to neither strive nor cry,
The power to feel with others give.
Calm, calm me more; nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.

-Matthew Arnold

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
#4
I'm thinkin it might be alright
To tell you, you look downright
Gorgeous.
But what if I say somepin' wrong?
I fear you'd stay mad for too long

Okay, change somepin' to somethin' or else you sound like Elmer Fudd haha, just playing, but change it. And maybe add in the last line, 'you'd stay mad for way too long'. Sounds good.


So instead I stay silent and give you the look
As if I were some guy in some ol' book
Remember the smiles I stole and you took
I think I'd be alright if I called you a crook, oh.

Second and fourth lines are incredibly forced, don't do that just to fit a rhyming scheme or it comes out well, contrived. Maybe change the end word you're trying to rhyme with.

I'm hopin' for the best tonight
Tellin' myself you look downright
Gorgeous.
Through your smoke I can tell you
Without fear you could hear me speak...

The last 2 lines to fit the rhyming scheme from the 1st paragraph change it to, 'Without fear you could hear me too', Sounds better.

Its an alright song, rather cliche, just needs some rehatching. Nice though.
#5
Firstly, thank to all who've taken the time to read this.

abhishek21 : I realize that the rhyming does seem a little forced, but I usually write songs that have no rhyming (or very little rhyming, or rhyming in syncopated places), so this was actually an exercise in writing something that was more generic and catchy.

Dinkydaisy : Thanks, and that part just came out slightly off beat so I figured it would be a nice tough to stray away from a common pattern.

Razi El : To start off, thanks for the full crit. I actually had it as somethin' but I believe I changed it to somepin' to just show the way it would be pronounced (as I feel it flows better that way...well not actually THAT way, but similar to that).

I can understand trying to change the ending word I'm rhyming with, but I don't want to change the AAAA (as boring as it seems) rhyme scheme because it's sung relativley quickly and well...it actually feels kinda natural the way I've got it imagined, but I will try to fix that up.

As for the last line, I think I'm going to change that to what you've recommened. By then I felt that I needed something to be syncopated, but keeping it in rhyme witha bit of snycopation works just as well.

Thank again everyone, and I forgot, is there anything you would like me to crit?
#8
Quote by Tsunoyukami
My latest work has moved away from my more obscure style of writing and it was an attempt at a cathcy pop/rock song. Imagine it sung in an Arctic Monkeys style. I don't plan on this becoming much more than just a pop song, so don't tear it apart, just tell me if it has a catchy feel or not and offer any suggestions. Crit for Crit. Thanks in advance.

I'm thinkin it might be alright
To tell you, you look downright
Gorgeous.
But what if I say somethin' wrong?
I fear you'd stay mad for too long.
A nice, catchy opening. I wouldnt change anything.

So instead I stay silent and give you the look
As if I were some guy in some ol' book
Remember the smiles I stole and you took
I think I'd be alright if I called you a crook, oh.
I liked the last two lines a lot. I think you could have done better with the second line though.

I'm hopin' for the best tonight
Tellin' myself you look downright
Gorgeous.
Through your smoke I can tell you
Without fear you could hear me too...
This verse would be perfect except the last two lines are a bit confusing.

So instead I stay silent and give you the look
As if I were some guy in some ol' book
Remember the smiles I stole and you took
I think I'd be right if I called you a crook, oh.
Same as above comment on this section.

(This is an instrumental bridge/guitar solo.)

So I write you a number on a paper I found
Only to see you smile through a frown
I'm sorry I love you, I may seem like a clown
But that's what you get when you live out of town, oh.
To be honest I'm not very fond of this part. This is the only part I'd consider rewriting.


You set out to write a catchy song, and you have succeeded. I'd love to read some lyrics from your normal style of writing. Could you PM me a couple? Thanks.
"Imagine all the people, sharing all the world"
-John Lennon
#9
As a pop song, I could see this working. As standalone lyrics, I found the rhyming meter, every line rhyming with each other, annoying. It gave it a nursery rhyme feel, which I don't think you want. The second half of the first verse seemed really cliche and forced to me. The first lines though, have great flow. If you could get the rest to sound like that, this would be one kickass song. In the third verse, the imagery there changed a bit and got me off guard, I would take a look at that. Other than that, great job, man. This song is pretty good.

BTW, thanks for the crit on mine.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep