#1
Here is a "slightly" updated version. Crit for crit of course.

THe Sickness

Close your eyes feel the flood wash over you
Bring a clean mind steady hand
Just another little taste

Lick it up and drink it down it will soon be washed away with you too
Oh yeah
Hold your breath
The shakes will go away with time
Forget the sickness

Lick it up and drink it down it will soon be washed away
Yeah

Touch hell and reach inside
Will you feel the way home
I don’t know

Can I find myself in time and space
So surreal to meet here now
Who are you

Lick it up and drink it down it will soon be washed away with you too
Oh yeah
Take a breath
It crawls up your mind
The sickness loves you
Last edited by kindenrock at Jan 7, 2007,
#2
Close you eyes feel the flood wash over you
It cleanses the mind steadies my hand
Just another little taste
I like this stanza but I think 'cleanses the mind steadies the hand' might be better coz at the moment it sounds a bit odd.

Lick it up and drink it down it will soon be washed away with you too
Oh yeah
Hold your breath
The shakes will go away with time
Forget the sickness
Good imagery here and it all sounds loving and calm but with a big sinister undertone.

Lick it up and drink it down it will soon be washed away
Yeah
Good repetition but pointless yeah, but every song needs those.

Touch hell and reach inside
Will you feel the way home
I don’t know
Can't find much to comment on here, maybe add a bit more substance to this stanza?

Lick it up and drink it down it will soon be washed away with you too
Oh yeah
Take a breath
It crawls up your mind
The sickness loves you
I like the way its changed from what it was before from forgetting to love it works well.

Overall I like it but I think it could do with being a bit longer and have a bit more substance poetically with more similies metaphors etc.
Lyrics Crit 4 Crit
More Graves To Fill (14-05-2009)
Jus Ad Bellum (10-05-2009)

Quote by ragebass89
That is ****in awesome! I mean not that he died, but the fact that monkeys killed him.

#3
Thanks Killer Shroom

I know that this song is a bit short, but I've tended to overwrite my songs in the past so Im working from a less is more stand point at the moment. Trying to find ways to the the most out of just a few lines. I do agree that there needs to be a few small additions though. THanks for the input.
#4
Killer Shroom pretty much hit the nail on the head, except for one more thing, in my opinon you should either use lick it up or drink it down, not both together but overall it's good as it stands especially the first stanza "Close your eyes feel the flood wash over you", because the flow of it nice enough that you actually can
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#5
forgot to mention I did do some slight editing to mine if you wanna go back and reread it...
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!