#1
This is a metalcore/screamo kinda song not sure about the title. Crit for crit as always.

Nothing Changes

I promised that I wouldn’t hurt her
And oh the irony
Cause in the end the final twist was
She was hurting me

I swore that I would try to help her
But managed not to see
That in the end I would be lost with
No-one to help me

She burnt my ambitions only left regrets
Untouched by her evil to rot in my head
The shit that she told me all built up inside
Until I believed the lies

I believed, that somehow it was real this time
I believed, that somehow she could change
I believed, that somehow I’d be happy this time
I believed, but I don’t know why
I believed but I don’t know why

I promised that I’d bring happiness
And oh the irony
Cause in the end she had so much there
Was none left for me

I swore that I would solve her problems
But managed not to see
That when the problems went from her they
Found their way to me

She force-fed deceit till it ran through my veins
So ****ed up and normal to me seemed the same
Now drowned in my ignorance losing my mind
All I can think is these lies

I believed, that somehow it was real this time
I believed, that somehow she could change
I believed, that somehow I’d be happy this time
I believed, but I don’t know why
I believed but I don’t know why

(Solo/Instrumental here)

I believed, that somehow it was real this time
I believed, that somehow she could change
I believed, that somehow I’d be happy this time
I believed, but I don’t know why
I believed but I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why

Open to any suggestions, constructive criticism as well please, and I know its pretty emo before you say it
Lyrics Crit 4 Crit
More Graves To Fill (14-05-2009)
Jus Ad Bellum (10-05-2009)

Quote by ragebass89
That is ****in awesome! I mean not that he died, but the fact that monkeys killed him.

#2
She burnt my ambitions only left regrets
Untouched by her evil to rot in my head
The shit that she told me all built up inside<<<<<
Until I believed the lies

I definitly would reword that line.


She force-fed deceit till it ran through my veins
So ****ed up and normal to me seemed the same
Now drowned in my ignorance losing my mind
All I can think is these lies<<<<<


That just seemed like a weak way to end that line, with all the raw rage and remorse conveyed in the other lines of that stanza.


Other than that it was good. I particualarly liked the verse that starts out "I swore that I would solve her problems...". Also I have a question:


I promised that I’d bring happiness
And oh the irony
Cause in the end she had so much there
Was none left for me<<<<

Is that supposed ot be a question or did you mean to say none was left for me?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=499474 crit for crit?
"Imagine all the people, sharing all the world"
-John Lennon
#3
Quote by KillerShroom
This is a metalcore/screamo kinda song not sure about the title. Crit for crit as always.

Nothing Changes

I promised that I wouldn’t hurt her
And oh the irony
Cause in the end the final twist was
She was hurting me
Good opening, i like this stanza

I swore that I would try to help her
But managed not to see
That in the end I would be lost with
No-one to help me
The second line doesnt make much sense to me, otherwise its a good stanza

She burnt my ambitions only left regrets
Untouched by her evil to rot in my head
The shit that she told me all built up inside
Until I believed the lies
It flows well and i like the rhyming

I believed, that somehow it was real this time
I believed, that somehow she could change
I believed, that somehow I’d be happy this time
I believed, but I don’t know why
I believed but I don’t know why
Good repetition, effective chorus

I promised that I’d bring happiness
And oh the irony
Cause in the end she had so much there
Was none left for me
I like how this is similar to the first stanza but you've changed the last 2 lines, though those 2 lines could do with some revision

I swore that I would solve her problems
But managed not to see
That when the problems went from her they
Found their way to me
Same thing about managed not to see... maybe its just me who doesnt like that though. The last 2 lines are good.

She force-fed deceit till it ran through my veins
So ****ed up and normal to me seemed the same
Now drowned in my ignorance losing my mind
All I can think is these lies
I dont like the last line, apart from that its good

I believed, that somehow it was real this time
I believed, that somehow she could change
I believed, that somehow I’d be happy this time
I believed, but I don’t know why
I believed but I don’t know why

(Solo/Instrumental here)

I believed, that somehow it was real this time
I believed, that somehow she could change
I believed, that somehow I’d be happy this time
I believed, but I don’t know why
I believed but I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why
Good ending in my opinion

Open to any suggestions, constructive criticism as well please, and I know its pretty emo before you say it


I really liked this. I couldn't find that much to criticize but i did my best.

Please crit my song https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=499522
I plan on revising it soon but need more opinions before deciding what to do with it.
#4
Quote by Punk Rocker
She burnt my ambitions only left regrets
Untouched by her evil to rot in my head
The shit that she told me all built up inside<<<<<
Until I believed the lies

I definitly would reword that line.


I think your right there, I originally had 'the lies that she told me' but then decided that would be better in 4th line, but know I like 'the shit that she told me' but don't know what to change the last words to, any ideas?

Quote by Punk Rocker
She force-fed deceit till it ran through my veins
So ****ed up and normal to me seemed the same
Now drowned in my ignorance losing my mind
All I can think is these lies<<<<<

That just seemed like a weak way to end that line, with all the raw rage and remorse conveyed in the other lines of that stanza.


Your right again I forced that line to stick with the repeat but change idea of the song, I think it was 'Don't ask me if I'm alright' to start with, you think that's better?

Also I have a question:

Quote by Punk Rocker
I promised that I’d bring happiness
And oh the irony
Cause in the end she had so much there
Was none left for me<<<<

Is that supposed ot be a question or did you mean to say none was left for me?


It's meant to be 'Cause in the end she had so much' PAUSE 'There was none left for me' as in I had no happiness, but I put the 'there' on third line to keep the syllable count correct because i'm very picky about that kind of thing.

Thanks for the help PunkRocker.

StonaLemons thanks for your comment as well I will reply and look at your song tommorow.
Lyrics Crit 4 Crit
More Graves To Fill (14-05-2009)
Jus Ad Bellum (10-05-2009)

Quote by ragebass89
That is ****in awesome! I mean not that he died, but the fact that monkeys killed him.

#5
She burnt my ambitions only left regrets
Untouched by her evil to rot in my head
The shit that she told me all built up inside
Until I believed the lies

This needs reworded very badly, has potential definately. 2nd line, is the most essential to reword, I know the point you're trying to convey in that line, I just can't think of how to reword it. 4th line, needs a little more sustenance, make it a little more wordy.

I believed, that somehow it was real this time
I believed, that somehow she could change
I believed, that somehow I’d be happy this time
I believed, but I don’t know why
I believed but I don’t know why

I just have one little interjection for this chorus, at the end, maybe put 'I believed, but she won't be believed this time'. Possibly at the end, or wherever, just came to my head.