#1
alright let me know what you think.... and i'll do my best to return crits.


In a world,
where your comfort is death.
And the morning after,
Is a new disaster.
Waiting to begin.

Your sins are real.
And they're keeping you from sleep.
While you search for a cure,
You'll find the answer in me.


Just look into my eyes.
I will steal your will to live.
I will dig your grave.
Just take these 6 ft inch by inch.
You could call this payback,
for what you've done to me.
But I will call it freedom,
from your dependency.


In a life,
better spent gritting teeth.
The focus changes,
from love to pain,
when you're thinking about me.

You've lost appeal.
And it's keeping you from sleep.
But you can't escape me,
I'm in the air that you breathe.


Just look into my eyes.
I will steal your will to live.
I will dig your grave.
Just take these 6 ft inch by inch.
You could call this payback,
for what you've done to me.
But I will call it freedom,
from your dependency.


You spend each waking moment,
pouring through every memory.
You're the farthest thing from absolution,
that I have ever seen.

You spend each waking moment,
pouring through every memory.
You're the farthest thing from absolution,
that I have ever seen.


Just look into my eyes.
I will steal your will to live.
I will dig your grave.
Just take these 6 ft inch by inch.
You could call this payback,
for what you've done to me.
But I will call it freedom,
from your dependency.
#2
Quote by bassbeat77



In a world,
where your comfort is death.
And the morning after,
Is a new disaster.
Waiting to begin.

Good Start i like the ryhiming of after with disaster, works well

Your sins are real.
And they're keeping you from sleep.
While you search for a cure,
You'll find the answer in me.

Hmm okay I like it, but my question is, What sins are these? you jumped a little bit

Just look into my eyes.
I will steal your will to live.
I will dig your grave.
Just take these 6 ft inch by inch.
You could call this payback,
for what you've done to me.
But I will call it freedom,
from your dependency.

This is the chorus I gather? Well, it's a little long, sorta throw off the rytheym of the whol song and well....the 4th line makes no since...

In a life,
better spent gritting teeth.
The focus changes,
from love to pain,
when you're thinking about me.

Again, flow is a problem

You've lost appeal.
And it's keeping you from sleep.
But you can't escape me,
I'm in the air that you breathe.

Well, at least you try to make things grammaticlly correct, If you're going to start the seconed line with and I suggest you make the first sentence end in a comma or semi-colon, so reader doesnt mess up flow.

Just look into my eyes.
I will steal your will to live.
I will dig your grave.
Just take these 6 ft inch by inch.
You could call this payback,
for what you've done to me.
But I will call it freedom,
from your dependency.

Same as before

You spend each waking moment,
pouring through every memory.
You're the farthest thing from absolution,
that I have ever seen.

Writing wise, excellent, but I am a bit confused by this...you could explain it better

You spend each waking moment,
pouring through every memory.
You're the farthest thing from absolution,
that I have ever seen.


Just look into my eyes.
I will steal your will to live.
I will dig your grave.
Just take these 6 ft inch by inch.
You could call this payback,
for what you've done to me.
But I will call it freedom,
from your dependency.


Over all it was good, but you really need to work on your focus point...Clarity is a big issue and, good try with the grammar but you got more work to go with that.

I did like it...

Was it talking about some one who cheated?

Hope it helped...

Check my siggy...(Blood not tears is better)
#3
the guy before me said he doesnt like how you dont state what sins....i like that becuase it leaves an opening for the reader to relate this song to his or her own life because that is what music is, putting your life onto paper and letting someone else relate to it....i loved the line "just take these 6 ft inch by inch" that is great, the only thing i would say that needs to be worked on is the flow of the last verse it doesnt quite fit the song but everything else is awesome!!
#4
two up from me that guy must not understand the lyrics at all. the 6 ft inch by inch line....err i would say it fits great and he has no idea what hes talking about. i thought this was a very good write and im suprised theres no more comments on it then this. i thought your flow was great and you did keep your focus on your subject again with that guy i duno what hes thinking. good write i liked it.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=7824431#post7824431
#5
Well, what i meant he jumped subjects little without giving proper transition.

Maybe i don't understand the lyrics, but i do know writing, he was not clear in the point he was trying to make..

I wasnt bashing it at all, I liked it i just believe he wasnt very clear.

it's funny, i've noticed on this site that people dont ussualy post bad things about any song at all...and when they do they get critizied for it...made me laugh...Not everything is perfect. One persons oppinion may be diffrent from some one elses but does not mean they don't what they are talking about...

It doesnt matter if it flows fine with music but it doesnt flow at all without, lyric writing is just poems that get put to music, and if you have something that does not flow at all or the flow is choppy it will sound choppy with music. I have not yet read on song from any band that there lyrics did not flow on paper....

/end rant
Last edited by RavenKlown at Jan 8, 2007,
#6
Well I agree that many here aren't harsh enough, but there are alot that will tell it straight, myself included.

But as for your comment about lyrics not flowing on paper, then they're choppy in song is utter piffle. you've only gotta look at U2 or RHCP or most experimental bands.

As for the piece you're blending decent lines with not-so decent lines, and its dragging the piece down...

"from love to pain,
when you're thinking about me."

thats uninventive...what I recommend is you go through the piece with a highlighter and highlight the lines worth saving, then see what you have left. And if needed fill in a few gaps, cause the piece is too long atm. Imo.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Jan 8, 2007,
#7
Your sins are real.
And they're keeping you from sleep.
While you search for a cure,
You'll find the answer in me.

Cure and sins don't belong in the same verse, unless cleverly devised. In this fact its not the case, try the 3rd line as 'While you search for your redemption' or something along the lines of being redeemed for your sins.

But I will call it freedom,
from your dependency.


I think the word you're looking for is codependency, needing to depend on someone else. Not sure, think it works, I might be wrong.

You spend each waking moment,
pouring through every memory.
You're the farthest thing from absolution,
that I have ever seen


2nd line, pouring is not the right word, simply doesn't fit. Try sifting? Sounds good. And 3rd line. its 'You're the furtherest', because you are talking about 'in degree' rather then in distance. 4th line, you simply ran out of thoughts, work on that.

I also suggest not ending a song with a chorus, many songs do that, but it takes away from the meaning, and every song needs a good ending. Just my personal opinion though.
#8
okay i've revised it once again using some of these latest suggestions... it seems my original got better reviews.... but we'll see how this goes.


In a world,
where your comfort is death.
And the morning after,
Is a new disaster.
Waiting to begin.

Your sins are real.
And they're keeping you from sleep.
While you search for a cure,
You'll find the answer in me.


Just look into my eyes.
I will steal your will to live.
I will dig your grave.
Just take these 6 ft inch by inch.
You could call this payback,
for what you've done to me.
But I will call it freedom,
from your dependency.


In a life,
better spent gritting teeth.
When the focus changes,
from give to take,
this cut gets way too deep.

You've lost appeal.
And it's keeping you from sleep.
But you can't escape me,
I'm in the air that you breathe.


Just look into my eyes.
I will steal your will to live.
I will dig your grave.
Just take these 6 ft inch by inch.
You could call this payback,
for what you've done to me.
But I will call it freedom,
from your dependency.


You spend each waking moment,
tripping through every memory.
You're the furthest thing from absolution,
that I have ever seen.


okay so i've shortened it.... and i've changed a line that was too weak... and as regards to a few other things that were mentioned........

the use of "sins" and "cure" in the same stanza.... i did that with the intention of sin being viewed as like a disease.

the reason sins isn't explained better is because i like to leave a lot open for the reader to interpret... i try not to be too direct in the meaning of what i write.... and like was mentioned... this allows the reader to apply it to their own life if they want.

the reason that the song appears to "jump" is because if i included transitions for every single thought then the song would end up being incredibly long... i like to assume that the reader can put 2 and 2 together.

okay thanks everyone for the crits/opinions.... this explanation wasnt intended as a disregard for your suggestions... i just thought i should explain why i haven't changed some things.

let me know how the new one works.

thanks again.