#1
heres another one. im looking for any critiques, good or bad...anything is good.

i was thinking, again, fast and metal. thanks for the time guys. crit for crit.

Edit: okay i made some changes, i cut out four lines from verse 1, changed it to Blackened, and made some minor changes. any new crits i would be honored to crit yours.


[verse1]
through the lowest valley
and over the highest peaks
across the vastest oceans
and along the smallest creeks
under skies of sunny blue
and ones of cloudy bleak
there lies an evil being,
his name i can not speak

[Verse2]
as trees shed their leaves
as the sun begins to set
darkness chills the nightime sky
but still we do not quit
we set sail tonight through the
crushing blackend sea
mine enemy grows strong on fear,
but he will find none in me

"All hands on deck"
let freedom ring and so be his neck

[chorus]
with breakneck pace we
track down and chase
the demon in the dark,
a demon I must face
his sweet blood of victory
i will toast and then I'll taste
with this one last act of hate
a new order I create

[verse3]
red eyes come quick upon us
and the battle rages on
the tyrrany cannot continue
as long, as long
as im still standing i will fight
a new dawn of a new age will begin
tonight,
tonight.

[chorus]
with breakneck pace we
hunted and we chased
the demon in the dark,
a demon I now face
his red blood of victory
I will toast and then I'll taste
in the bone cup of freedom
borne from the times of hate

[bridge]
my sword catches the glare of his glowing eyes
without another word i know where he lies
i turn with a swing, and catch him off beat
with a deafening crack his neck and my sword meet

[verse4]
his head a trophy for me and my band
we learnd a lesson that we had not planned
with the death of a tyrant comes the next in command
when that day comes i will strike him down with my own hands
im having a hard time with this stanza^^ anyone have any ideas?

[chorus]
with breakneck pace we
hunted and we chased
the demon in the dark,
a demon I erased
his red blood of victory
I now toast and now I taste
in the bone cup of freedom
that forever guides my fate
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



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Last edited by DrkNTwstd at Mar 2, 2007,
#2
Don't ask why, but this remind me of the Bridge of Enter Sandman...

I love the sort of "Dark Storyline" feeling you've got running here. Sounds'ah like, reeeeaaally cool'ah.
#3
I imagined this sounding very much like a Dragonforce song or Iron Maiden. The 'epic' feel to the story is good and I liked the way you changed the chorus slightly as the song progressed. (The chorus was the strongest part of the song). The storytelling was good and I liked the language/image.

Unfortunately the rhyme scheme changed at random points and the verses did not seem to follow any real pattern in terms of syllables either. (Although I assume the first verse was a type of intro). These issues with the rhyme and syllables did nothing for the flow of the song which occasionally stumbled anyway:

"crushing black of the sea" I suggest changing this to "crushing blackened sea" as when I was imagining the song it broke the flow a bit. The third verse was quite messy and the fourth verse could have been different because it was sortof a bridge but the syllable count did not work.
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#5
No problem, thanks for critting my most recent.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#6
first of all i really like the narration scheme in the piece . the strngst point of your song was chorus . the rhyme scheme varied a bit but hey whatever works

his head a trophy for me and my band
we will learn a lesson that we had not planned
with the death of a tyrant comes the second in command
when that day comes i will strike him down with mine own hand

may be in last with my own hands
it adds to flow a bit


well overall just put up some shred in it . i think it will do gr8. well thnx for the crit on mine.

i know my crit is not as good as urs . i will crit ur next one and thats a promise
Hi
#8
I like it a lot...I had a little trouble reading it in flux; it seemed that some of your lines were slightly unbalanced metrically. That said, I have no idea how it's sung, so I'm sure you have the timing and everything down. Great song.
Every time you sit down to "practice" without a metronome, God kills a kitten.
#11
^what does that mean? and theres nothing else you would crit on?! cmon i gave you a good crit...be brutal, i want it mean.
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

my band

~We Rock Out With Our Cocks Out!: UG Naked Club.~


Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD
#12
When I first started reading it, it felt very trite.
But once I hit the seoncd part of the bridge it all fell in place.
Very Good. [8/10]
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