#1
The piano screams a loud lament
As the poet makes due with a picture.
A quill that was once heaven sent
Now burns in a black candle fixture.

Tarnished though the fire may seem
A carpenter would harbor it dearly.
But writers are famous for living their dreams,
And pondering subjects quite dreary.

Anger he feels, as his art is mere dust,
And the wind that he abhors does blow it;
But all that he loves and all that he lusts
blow back and merely restore it.
Last edited by jamminbass at Jan 8, 2007,
#2
This was a great piece.. I'm not really sure of anything to "Critique" about it.. so I'm sorry I couldn't be much help.. but I know that I like to hear someone enjoyed reading my piece.. and I most certainly enjoyed this one.. keep itup
#4
Ok I'm not sure what you don't like about the two lines...do you just dislike the idea of them in general? Or is it the wording...because I can see why the wording would be disagreeable...

Thanks though guys, I got to both of yours.
#5
Anger he feels, as his art is mere dust,
And the wind that he abhors does blow it;
But all that he loves and all that he must
Do, blow back and merely restore it.


I would change last 2 lines.
Heres a suggestion, 'But all that he loves and all that he does he must', 'With a ghasp, he blows back just to restore it.' Something like that, just needs rephrased, dont know if what I said makes it better, just a suggestion.
#6
I changed the last lines, but just a little...I think it works better without the break without a pause with punctuation, thank you for the suggestion though.
#8
well this one is okay, much more than okay, it is very good . . . i like the story cause it is simple but not . .

yes i am drearily dreaming cause im a dreamer - thats why i read it.
this is poetry, because poetry is: what is often thought but never so well expressed.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

-Phyllis Diller