Verse 1
this crying,
this dying,
i hate this place

this plague,
this day,
everything is so messed up

and where do we go
to escape the pain
do we run away
only to come back the next day
why does everyhting have to be this way

Verse 2
so stoic,
so unalive,
this feeling returns

so red,
so black,
you were my everything


Verse 3
the used,
the forgotten,
i feel so neglected

the suffering
thr tourture
will it ever end

Chorus [2]
its hard to read these and know what you were imagining here. Then again, its like that for alot of songs now.

It just doesn't have structure or flow. Maybe if i could hear the music, i would tell you otherwise, but I, right now, don't even give it one star
You are forcing the ryhming and making it horrible...

The flow needs work on, and over all it could be better...

Don't give up! Keep trying
seems a little "caveman". but of course, that could be the idea. needs a lot more developement, a purpose, a direction. and also very vague. think of it this way: you would be rich if you had a nickel for every cookie-cutter "i'm sad and oppressed wah wah wah" song, but how many would you have for songs that REALLY conveyed that thought and offered examples intelligently as to what was going on? think imagery, but not neccesarrily dictionary either. always a very fine line

now go trash mine. it's fun.
Thunderverb 50
Foot Computers
Beer and snacks
It's missing something. It's very hard to analyze it and understand it...
Try to get more in verses?
yeah i know the chorus sucks....ive been workin on it but i dunno....but thanks for the crits....to the guy who siad i dont know what kind of music its too.....i dont write my lyrics to music but once again thanks a lot for the crits