#1
You know the deal guys, crit for crit, but when i say crit for crit i mean a crit not just saying 'it's bad', Why is it bad and how should can i improve. Post a link to your poem you want me to crit, under your crit and i'll gladly crit back.

Peace.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Sheena I ask of you
How do bodies yet move and stood
Easily, but shares?

Stella I wait for you.
Altering to such and such.
In blue still stood
Divining another favor

Methods of self destruction
Ye {never} master plan

Dresses and fevers
And clouds and divas
Neither sane or same
Compare each other.
In or out
Neither any song written by a man
Glee, so much, they sing.

Whisper---------
--------Android
Slave----------

Likewise-------
Inks and
Karmas to entitled
Easters, likewise another circle

And…

‘Sirrah’ she said to him
Editing her skin with her paper map, modeling her
‘X’ to her paper world

And once again he felt for another girls tricks
Partaking her wishes
Painting his target towards her lips
Exalting her to his arms
And so…
Lacing his shoes as he gets comfortable…

Sheena, Stella
How they mocked me
Equally as they did with the one he, they call, ‘Sirrah’

Woman, oh woman
Attaching another ‘player’ closer to your pleasures-----
Nominating Those, alphabetically
Transmitting breakdowns to once blessings
Earthly, oh how they slowly evaporate, evenly----
Damned!

Maybe we’re amazed
Odd… faintly AMAZED
Raged and delusional by once desire
Equally another oomph comes our way.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Jan 8, 2007,
#2
Quote by Bleed Away

Sheena I ask of you
How do bodies yet move and stood
Easily, but shares?

ROFFLE WOFFLE !Sigged!
#4
Quote by Bleed Away
Oh come on, anymore crit, please

You gotta admit, that's pretty good!
#5
whilst it didnt instantly grab me it did intrigue me, the content of the song didnt really appeal to me but the style that you have has a subtle arrogance which is pleasing. It makes you sound a strong and confident writer and its a good skill to have.

May i suggest looking up a poet called Hayden Carruth, in particular a song called "scrambled eggs and whiskey" its got that same quality and i think you might like it

If you want a more detailed crit im more than happy to do one but i dont feel i have anything more to contribute so i'll leave you with a link and a hope hahaha...

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=500042
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#6
Thanks damnright for your crit, you say my poem similars the one of Hayden Carruth.. intresting. And spittle8 thanks for adding a slice of this poem as your SIG, this would be the first time ANYONE has done that, so i'm diffently flatterd.
#7
Quote by Bleed Away
Thanks damnright for your crit, you say my poem similars the one of Hayden Carruth.. intresting. And spittle8 thanks for adding a slice of this poem as your SIG, this would be the first time ANYONE has done that, so i'm diffently flatterd.

No problem. It was too good to pass up. Cheers.
#11
the style was great and unique
word choice was good too
subject/actual poem was pretty good and well written
i personally liked it a lot

'tis life
#13
retribution in ways i do agree with your crit, i guess the non-sensical opener was kinda there in the first three lines, i was trying to create Sheena as an unsatisfied slut that agrees with the phrase, 'just a little bit more' and how everytime he does something to her will she ask for more. But i'm glad you loved it. Thank you the rest for your nice comments i guess this iswhat poetry is about, something you can relate to.
#14
Though usually the last to be absorbed, lyrics that require active thinking and contemplation are often the most thought provoking and meaningful. While I havn't fully grasped the meaning of this song, I whole-heartedly enjoyed the eloquency with which it was illustrated. It also has sort of a theme of contrast. Which I love.

"Dresses and fevers
And clouds and divas
Neither sane or same
Compare each other."

Mystic....and intruiging.
#15
this is pretty much the best thing i've read on this site

www.freewebs.com/silentproject
#16
sorry it took me a while to get to this... KCS the meaning of this poem is about a boy called Edward (who's name isn't mentioned in the poem 'cause this poem was written in his point of view) His first girlfriend, Sheena, is a 'never enough' girl who loves the power of control over men... and Edward was apparently not her taste, eventualy she dumps him. His second girlfriend was a girl who never loved him in the first place, and later on cheats on him. Edward tryed getting over this by telling himself those girls will never see the day, that the single voice of a man will be the death of them. But the feeling of being used still underlines the fact that maybe he still loves both of them... even though he felt lust, karma was still his favorite works. And it continues by Edward possibly taunting them through his taughts and having a man insult and exalt them through his very wish. But in the last stanza he admits that, "the will be love, but equally another stand with another woman" I hope this helped you.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 4, 2007,