#1
the cop car went by twice
but didn't turn on his lights

so I think you were just paranoid
when you said we should wait in your car
till we finished our beers,
then glanced up at the stars.
faith in God or not,
were you really so self-centered
as to think the cosmos had you marked
to be jailed or shot at any given moment?

I know you think you're smarter than me
because you go to college and write poetry
while I get $11.50 an hour, roofing for my family
but what do you know, really?
when I get the money, I'm going to MCC
it's not like I'll have 80,000 dollars
just handed over to me
like you, I'm not that lucky-
to have a parent
like a
missing in action
check.
I know my dad.

dear cousin, my friend,
you're not the only one
that doesn't deserve
all the special attention
he was born with
try earning it.

staring down at a dingy dead crow
your face turned towards the window
I should have hit you
for that skeptic look
I'm sure you had
when I came back
by telling you
I can feel myself growing older, too.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
Last edited by less than that at Jan 12, 2007,
#2
cop car went by twice
but didn't turn on his lights

Good introduction

so I think you were just paranoid
when you said we should wait in your car
till we finished our beers,
then glanced up at the stars.
faith in God or not,
were you really so self-centered
as to think the cosmos had you marked
to be jailed or shot at any given moment
and for no reason?

This was okay, but how did the cosmos have her marked (if it's her they marked), I couldn't figure that out.

I know you think you're smarter than me
because you go to college and write poetry
while I get $11.50 an hour, roofing for my family
but what do you know, really?
when I get the money, I'm going to MCC
it's not like I'll have 80,000 dollars
just handed over to me
like you, I'm not that lucky-
to have a parent
like an check
missing in action.
I know my dad.

I liked the flow of this stanza, very relatable.

dear cousin, my friend,
you're not the only one
that doesn't deserve
all the special attention
he was born with
try earning it.

This was okay, but really doesn't do anything for the reader, but it's your piece.

face turned towards the window
staring down at a dingy dead crow
I should have hit you
for that skeptic look I'm sure you had
when I came back by telling you
I can feel myself growing older, too.
should've knocked some sense into you

This was my least favorite.

The end, and the beginning I didn't get so much, but you got your point in the 2nd and 3rd stanza across very well. The hating self-centered people thing is really easy to relate to.

Could you plz crit my latest, "Fearing the Unknown" links in my sig.
#4
I know there's nothing in here that implies gender one way or the other but I'm still curious as to why you thought the main character were in the car with a girl. it's two guys, cousins.

thank you andrew ;-)
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#5
S3: like an check

Typo

I liked this. Quite a lot. Although I felt it kind of wander slightly towards the end, some lines I thought were just there for the rhyme, they didn't really serve a huge purpose in the piece eg the crows line. Can't really find too much to fault, as usual, an enjoyable piece overall.

then glanced up at the stars.
faith in God or not,
were you really so self-centered
as to think the cosmos had you marked
to be jailed or shot at any given moment
and for no reason?


I absolotely loved that line. Great

If you could leave something in the one in my sig, would be much appreciated
#7
Cousins are big figures in your stuff.

Love this btw.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
Quote by culex-knight
Cousins are big figures in your stuff.

Love this btw.

yeah, my cousins and I are pretty close. they're like siblings without the fighting.

thanks guys.

and could catch on that typo, I think originally I was putting "an MIA check" and then forgot to change it to "a" when I changed it. thanks
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in