#1
what do you guys think?

Verse 1
I haven’t earned these tears
I haven’t conquered my fears
I was the one that got away
That I’m sad to have to say
I diced with death but didn’t laugh
I felt my soul was cut in half
You treat me like a god
But all I feel like is a fraud

Chorus
There’ll be no cashing in
No books or movie deals
Soon I’ll be on the gin
And coming off will be the wheels

Verse 2
I’ve told no-one the story
I do not want more glory
They might see me for what I am
Decide this whole thing is a scam
I’ve seen things you’d not believe
Blood torrents drenching my sleeve
I wished that I’d go blind
But I could see it in my mind

Chorus

Instrumental Break/Solo

Verse 3
I feel it over there
I cannot wake from this nightmare
And if I turn around
I will be smothered till I drown

Chorus


not too sure about the chorus myself...
Gear:
Epiphone SG-G400
Yamaha APX-500
Marshall MG50DFX


Aerosmith @ Hyde Park Calling 24/06/07
The Who @ Wembley Arena 26/06/07

#2
Okay...I might sound completly mean, but I am not meaning to flame...

Your writing is elementray.

The rhymeing is so forced its not funny. When you write you do not have to make everysingle line ryhme...

"I" was used way to much

Clarity is another big issue...

Flow is fine but that is because you sacrficed good rhyming structure.

Well, I don't have much else to say.

I am not meaning to hurt your feelings or anything, but i do think you need alot of work on writing simple poetry before you start writing songs.

PM if you feel like flamming me.
#3
No offence I have to agree with RavenKlown on some things, it is a forced rhyming scheme, and a force song. You need to sacrifice the rhyming for meaning. You like Ozzy, I see that, sounds Ozzyish, but thats a stretch. He didn't rhyme everything though, he did rhyme a lot but only if it was unforced. Try that idea, k.