#1
Poor flow, first draft, old subject, not-quite-but-seemingly redundant links. Opinions?

I Wear You Like A Scar, Covered By A Sleeve

i remember being so cold when you told me that
when you were younger you used to cut
your wrists and arms with razor blades
i never saw the scars - i guess
i never looked -
but, i believed you in June...
is that something you still do?

we haven't talked as friends in over a year
****, is it that long? - see, normally i try not to
think about you, but... it's something i still do
and i wonder

if your dad hadn't rang when he did that night you were about to unbutton your jeans
if your friend hadn't came back while i was holding your hand like a lover in the cinema
if that drunken kiss had been a sober one or that short kiss a longer one
if that time i wanted to swim with you between the rocks along the coast beside the golf course
well, if you had've done it instead of complaining that the water was too cold

if i had said yes to going a walk with you along the beach under the stars that time when i missed you
if i was able to make you laugh more than i did, or make you feel worth every penny that's ever been spent on you
if i had actually bought you a gift - ha! gucci! i could never afford you! - instead of making another false promise
and why did you ring me that time when i was in london lying down?
because that phone call was like stars in a night-sky - only distance kept us apart

you know, we never got a photograph together - well, there was one, actually
but it wasn't taken by us; it was by Berkeley, that band we saw when we laughed
and i bought both their albums last month just to remind me of you because it's December
and winter has never been this cold for me, but i know that you were in New York -
I heard from a friend - i hope it was as much fun as the photo's suggest
i saw that one of you on the beach where you looked beautiful -
i like to not eat for days and then drink for weeks and
pretend you sent it to me as a postcard, enscribed "wish you were here"

i remember being so cold when you told me that
when you were younger you used to cut
your wrists and arms with razor blades
i never saw the scars - i guess
i never looked -
but, i believed you...
is that something you still do?
because sometimes i wonder

if you ever loved me? or if you'll ever forget me?
do you wear me like a scar? am i covered by your sleeve?
does my name ever come up in conversation and when it does
do your eyes betray you? do you have to leave the room?
do you see me in the stars? or do you see me on the moon?
are there nights when you can't sleep? when you write pathetic poetry?
do you know any other way to make every sin forgiven?

because i ask the same questions of myself about you
i try not to,
but... it's something i still do


Leave well alone
Last edited by benjmc at Jan 9, 2007,
#3
^ Agreed.

I absolutely loved this.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
some very good lines strewn about. reads more like a letter. a little condensing is perhaps in order. overall, i'd say like a bowl of cap'n crunch with crunchberries. they make "all berries" now, if you know what i mean.
SG
Thunderverb 50
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Beer and snacks
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#6
Yea, I would crit that like I do with many stuff, but thats too good as it is. Maybe some changes in the stanzas/verses. But no need really, very well written.