#1
CRIT4CRIT (small edits made)
THIS IS A POEM Sorry but people keep calling my poems songs. This is a different subject for me, I'm not gonna say it, but it has several meanings for me, I'm just saying I didn't write about love, heartache, memories, etc.


"Fearing the Unknown"

The bridge I'm standing on
feels as narrow as a tight rope
The air makes me choke
When I look forward
all I can see is smoke
but at least I can't see the bottom

I can't turn around or I'll fall
but I'm to afraid to move ahead
I havn't even tried
It's like I'm paralyzed
with the thought
And I've realized I like it here
or am I just to afraid
of whats up there

Also, just so you know how weird that is,
I'm scarred to death of heights
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 9, 2007,
#2
spellcheckphobia and fear of heights? damn.

other than that, not much i can say. didnt like it too much, but i didnt hate it either. the smoke and not being able to see the bottom was well said, though bottom leads me to think that you weren't talking about the smoke at all, which would make that bright point in my eyes moot.
#3
I can't turn around or I'll fall
but I'm to afraid to move ahead
I havn't even tried
It's like I'm paralyzed
with the thought
And I've realized I like it here
more than what I thinks up there

Need to change the 1st line, very cliche. Would suit the verse a lot better with something descripitive maybe. Also, I would change 5th and 6th lines to, 'It's like I'm paralyzed by the thought'. By the thought sounds more grammatically correct. Last 2 lines, need revised. It's like you forced an ending. Just trying to help. - RaZi El
#4
This is the first time I've written a poem with meanings, it's more than what it is, I don't know if it's to hard to figure out or to easy. In the poem, the main character is afraid of heights, and he's choking where he is, yet he still refuses to move forward, I'm gonna make a few edits to this in just a sec.
#5
Quote by stratkat
CRIT4CRIT (small edits made)
THIS IS A POEM Sorry but people keep calling my poems songs. This is a different subject for me, I'm not gonna say it, but it has several meanings for me, I'm just saying I didn't write about love, heartache, memories, etc.


"Fearing the Unknown"

The bridge I'm standing on
feels as narrow as a tight rope
The air makes me choke
When I look forward
all I can see is smoke
but at least I can't see the bottom

Alright. This looks somewhat clumsy. I'll explain. First of all, I think you could expand either on the vocabulary or on the structure that you use. That choke/smoke rhyme seemed sub-par. I think you should either change it or introduce it better. I like the idea, I just think you have to develop it better.

I can't turn around or I'll fall
but I'm to afraid to move ahead
I havn't even tried
It's like I'm paralyzed
with the thought
And I've realized I like it here
or am I just to afraid
of whats up there

This is poorly worded if you ask me. The last sentence barely make senses. It can be good in a certain way, because it's representative of the state of mind that your protagonist is in, but I doubt that it was intentional.


Also, just so you know how weird that is,
I'm scarred to death of heights

I don't think this is necessary at all. We got the message already, and this does not add anything to the piece. I think you should get rid of that ending stanza.



Okay listen up. I think you did not put as much effort in this as you should have. However, despite my lack of interest for this piece in general, I don't think you should scrap it. You just have to reword it and make it more interesting.

Sorry, I don't like to give bad crits ... However, I'm sure that, if you have the time to crit one of mine, you'll do it in all honesty . They're all in my sig.
#6
Quote by stratkat
CRIT4CRIT (small edits made)
THIS IS A POEM Sorry but people keep calling my poems songs. This is a different subject for me, I'm not gonna say it, but it has several meanings for me, I'm just saying I didn't write about love, heartache, memories, etc.


"Fearing the Unknown"

The bridge I'm standing on
feels as narrow as a tight rope

I really like these first two lines. Starts the piece off very nicely.

The air makes me choke
When I look forward

The transition between these two lines seems very abrupt and awkward. That's just my opinion though. Maybe you could separate them.

all I can see is smoke
but at least I can't see the bottom

I understand what you're trying to get across here, but you could state it a lot better. In the line above these two you say you're looking forward but here you talk about the bottom like you've been looking down.

I can't turn around or I'll fall

Like others have said, this line isn't that great.

but I'm too afraid to move ahead
I havn't even tried

I suggest adding "though" before "I havn't".

It's like I'm paralyzed
with the thought

I liked these two lines.

And I've realized I like it here
or am I just too afraid
of whats up there

I think this should be your ending and you should take out the two lines after this. These three lines would be a good ending.

Also, just so you know how weird that is,
I'm scarred to death of heights


For your stuff, this really disappointed me. It isn't bad, though. With some changes here and there it could be pretty good. Don't scrap this piece, especially since it has a lot of meaning to you.