#1
A new one from me, I haven't written in a long while so hopefully this isn't as bad as it could have been. It's crit for crit and any advice is gladly accepted.

If there is hope...

When your idiosyncrasies portray your thoughts of their ideology,
You’re running down corridors where no darkness resides.
Keeping the thoughts in your head no longer keeps them at bay,
You’re already scuttled and heading out to sea.

A figurehead of hatred transfixed in your memories,
To rouse within your fellow men a burning voracity.
Lashing out in fear at what they don’t wish you to understand,
Your intelligence recedes and your bigotry abounds.

As the screams ricochet from their lungs unto the walls,
Their voices are constricted and cast to obscurity.
Though bones can be broken and hopes can be dashed,
Within every heart there dwells the bigger man.

With the masquerading murderer dispensing with his subtlety,
As your head’s in his noose and your feet on his trap.
The crowd jeers and roars like savages they decry,
‘Thought criminal! Conspirator! You’ll not pervert us!’.

But do not fear my friend for though your body may die,
The thoughts for which you strived we will continue to purvey.
With you at our shoulders we’ll sing and we’ll roar,
You’ll not be forgotten while there is still air to breathe.

We will resist and rise up in arms,
We will push back their borders and reclaim our land.
We can’t back down now or cower in fear,
With your songs in our hearts and voice in our ears.
All-O-Gistics:

Thou shalt always go for greatness
Thou shalt not commit adulthood (ALL)
Thou shalt not partake of decaf (ALL!)
Thou shalt not have no idea (ALL)
Thou shalt not allow anything to deter you in your quest for all (ALL!)
#2
As the screams ricochet from their lungs unto the walls,
Their voices are constricted and cast to obscurity.
Though bones can be broken and hopes can be dashed,
Within every heart there dwells the bigger man.


Last line, last short phrase. A bigger man, should be changed, maybe to promising man? Just a suggestion.

With the masquerading murderer dispensing with his subtlety,
As your head’s in his noose and your feet on his trap.
The crowd jeers and roars like savages they decry,
‘Thought criminal! Conspirator! You’ll not pervert us!’.

Decry an archaic word, hardly ever used, don't know if it makes entire sense in this context. Maybe reword. Orwellian 1984 referance, love it. Nice.

But do not fear my friend for though your body may die,
The thoughts for which you strived we will continue to purvey.
With you at our shoulders we’ll sing and we’ll roar,
You’ll not be forgotten while there is still air to breathe.


Last 2 lines, I really don't care for, comes off as kind of contrived. First 2 lines are good though, just try to revise the rest. Just a suggestion.

We will resist and rise up in arms,
We will push back their borders and reclaim our land.
We can’t back down now or cower in fear,
With your songs in our hearts and voice in our ears.


Good ending to the song. Has an anthem feel to it. Kind of like Hatebreed's 'I Will Be Heard', but your own spin to it. Your word usage will detract many from criting your work, so be weary of getting a decent crit. Just thought I'd mention a few things. Nice job though.
#3
hey dai, i'm too tired to crit this atm, but i'll get to this soon.
sorry for taking so long, been quite busy.
#4
Junny?! You're back?!

[edit] I'll get to this soon, consider it book-marked.

I'd appreciate it if you could give mine a read in the mean while.

Guitar Hero II is calling my name.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#5
Cheers Junny and Something_Vague, i'll look forward to hearing what you've got to say on this.

Just in case you want to hear how it sounds in song there's a recording of it up here http://www.myspace.com/daisandells

Some of the lines were changed when I recorded it as it helped them to fit better.
All-O-Gistics:

Thou shalt always go for greatness
Thou shalt not commit adulthood (ALL)
Thou shalt not partake of decaf (ALL!)
Thou shalt not have no idea (ALL)
Thou shalt not allow anything to deter you in your quest for all (ALL!)