#1
This is actually two different songs I've lumped together. O Poor Alice is the italicized stanza.

I asked a girl if she would care to dance
She said no, tomorrow I go to France
Where I will find someone who makes me happy
And not a man who wears soiled nappies
So as the syllabus drives past
I am stuck to the captain’s mast
Singing songs for these salty seadogs
As the screams come from those burning logs
And somewhere between Vine Street and Venus
I hear the echoed words of the local dominus
Bouncing frenetically in my hollow head
Maybe someday I’ll look forward to being dead

The blind rabbit ran and hit the tree with a thud
It took two steps back, and shook its weary head
“O dear,” said he. “What has she done this time?
I hope I have time before she’s dead
O poor little Alice, what have you eaten this time?
That mushroom again?”
#2
This reminds me of a schizophrenic Syd Barret song.

I would critique this, but how can you critique a mad genius? Sorry =)
#3
Nice to see you back

That was.. strange. The first one seemed like a weirded out Dr. Seuss story, and the second, after what I felt was an awful transtition was much too different to be in the same piece, I thought. I just didn't get on board with this one Mike, I really didn't. I'm not sure why, kind of too out-there for my liking.

Good rhymes though

I'd appreciate it if you could crit the one in my sig. Cheers.
#4
I asked a girl if she would care to dance
She said no, tomorrow I go to France

I dont like this at all, its not a promising start, im not sure if you meant the rhyming to seem so...tacky, i dont like it though.


Where I will find someone who makes me happy
And not a man who wears soiled nappies

again it just feels cheap and rushed.


So as the syllabus drives past
I am stuck to the captain’s mast
Singing songs for these salty seadogs

now this proves you can write, i have no problem with rhyme so long as the rhyme feels like its there to portray rythmn and support content as opposed to just "keeping the flow" and you managed to support the content in these lines rather than distracting from it.

As the screams come from those burning logs

and then this.

and somewhere between Vine Street and Venus
I hear the echoed words of the local dominus
Bouncing frenetically in my hollow head

and you do it again, this just says to me that you're a skilled writer who's rushed a job,

Maybe someday I’ll look forward to being dead

not a great end



The blind rabbit ran and hit the tree with a thud
It took two steps back, and shook its weary head
“O dear,” said he. “What has she done this time?
I hope I have time before she’s dead
O poor little Alice, what have you eaten this time?
That mushroom again



and this, this is fantastic, its got almost a jazz feel to it, i'd knock off the last line though i dont feel its necessary. In all of the song there are moments which portray your obvious skill as a writer, you've got talent there is no doubt about it, but i wouldnt use this song as a showcase because it feels rushed and cheap.

return?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=500042
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#5
they are way too different to combine them, but don't throw either of them out they sound great, very different, but still very good
#6
i think in the begining.....u should redfrase it cuz france is kinda off topic......theres not enough information about the setting of the song to jsu tthrow in france
#7
Both the songs have good parts but I definately preferred the first. "As the Syllabus drives past" is pretty clever. However I thought the first four lines were just way too random, kinda sounds like you're just saying anything to make it rhyme. I also agree that the too parts are way too different to be one song. You should try to expand the first one and you could make a pretty ace song. Crit mine?

This ends tonight- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=499141&highlight=ends+tonight

Cut me down- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=498430&highlight=ends+tonight
Last edited by less_than_dave at Jan 10, 2007,