#1
I'm working on a good one- be patient with me boys.


take foot from mouth
and eat your heart out
swallow your tongue
mend a weak stomach

feel the warm
of your heartburn
eat your words
swallow your pride
like a pint
and chew ice

unzip your locked lips
I can see your ribs
a bag of skin
with bones like sticks
poking through it
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#2
I don't like this one as much as your others, but if you're working on a good one, I guess this will tide me over.

Your songs, including this one, paint a great image in my mind, and it's hard to believe they can flow together so well.

7/10.
Wade in the water, child.
#3
Okay...well hmm...first time i read any of your stuff..It's not bad, but i think it needs revision. Very good imagery, but not story or anything, from what i can tell

work with it and it might be something great

6/10
#4
I like, but it seems sort of sub-par. It still has everything I like with your pieces, but it just seems sub-par. A good one, though, you say? Way to get me anxious.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
it's all wordplay and no substance. it's really a list more than anything.

I'm writing a poem in parts about camping. camping poems, those are always good, right?
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in