New song, I'm not entirely happy with it though. Please criticise.

Winter! The realm of eternal hate
Look behind, its not to late
Though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death
I shall feel no pain, I have no breath
The night which was promise to me
A sacred time that’ll never be

Close your eyes
And the wind will take us away!

Forever, Immortal
Were nearly at the chaos portal
Beyond the stars!
Beyond time!

Close your eyes
And the wind will take us away!
But its not my place to say

For winter!
Raise your chalice my brother
Raise it high
To catch the fire that falls from the sky
It'll be fine sung right, I dont particularly like the rhyme scheme, and it has a quite an awkward flow, but it could be managed.

However, I would just scrap the 2nd "Winter!" and the "For winter!" at the end. Just doesnt seem to fit at all for me, nor quite add anything.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
Feels like a lot of the rhyming is forced, like you had to insert the rhymes instead of flowing and letting things fall into place.

But its not my place to say

I don't like this here, could be good in a song, but not right where you have it.
Perhaps the "But it's not my place to say" part could switch the "But" into "Though." And for the song as a whole. The first verse: I'm absolutely not a fan of the word "eternal." I think it's really clichè. I whould also take the "I" away in "I have no breath," gives it better flow. I wwhould reallylike to know what genre of music you're using this for and what inspired you to write this song. Makes it easier to help out.