#1
Wrote this OTS a while back. I happened to fall back on it and like it quite a bit. However, it does need some revising, so I figured out I might as well post it in here. Critiques very welcome, I'll return them all (I owe BJJJJ and Anthony already, don't worry, I'll get to yours)
--------

Spain.
S----Pain.
No wonder I should have figured that out
before.

I don't know what you left over there,
Maybe,
Something like a main artery,
Something that pumps
Quickly.

And how you wish I'd keep on talking
But every word's a long distance call ;
We're many worlds... apart.
And you know I'm short on money.

My breath is short .
It's not because we're laughing hard;
It's not because we're making love,
It's nothing that you're longing for

Keep your mouth shut.
Everything will be fine.
#2
Quote by circular.parade
Wrote this OTS a while back. I happened to fall back on it and like it quite a bit. However, it does need some revising, so I figured out I might as well post it in here. Critiques very welcome, I'll return them all (I owe BJJJJ and Anthony already, don't worry, I'll get to yours)
--------

Spain.
S----Pain.
No wonder I should have figured that out
before.
You open this piece in a very unique way, but it feels slightly boring. I'm going to say you should add one more line to make it stand out even more.

I don't know what you left over there,
Maybe,
Something like a main artery,
Something that pumps
Quickly.
I find this verse to be an excellent take on something that would normally be broing and cliche, but you definatley managed to make this sound thoughtful and original.

The first line might need rewording, but I can't really see the problem with it...it just feels less precise than the others.


And how you wish I'd keep on talking
But every word's a long distance call ;
We're many worlds... apart.
And you know I'm short on money.
Again, this is another interesting take on something normally cliche. I don't reall like the '...' as it doesn't really add much to the piece (imo). The first line feels weaker than the rest of the lines in the verse, but not to an unbalanced extent.

My breath is short .
It's not because we're laughing hard;
It's not because we're making love,
It's nothing that you're longing for

Keep your mouth shut.
Everything will be fine.
Well here's where I feel the piece loses it's hold on me because it went from clever to blatant and obvious. I personally feel you could have given this the unique tweak the other verses had. These last two verses are actually disappointing compared to the previous ones. I ask you reword these lasy two verses in the same clever stylistic way the rest of the piece was arranged.


As you can tell, I enjoyed it until the end where it seemed you lost the ability to tweak a common, boring verse into something dramatic and special.
#5
Quote by circular.parade

Spain.
S----Pain.
No wonder I should have figured that out
before.
the third line is awkwardly phrased, i'm afraid. i really like the idea, but that third line kills this. please rephrase

I don't know what you left over there,
Maybe,
Something like a main artery,
Something that pumps
Quickly.
i don't like the last two lines, as they just seem weak i'm afraid. again, i like the premise, but how you ended it bothers me. the vagueness you approach it with is nice, it's just that the second to last line doesn't sit well with me.

And how you wish I'd keep on talking
But every word's a long distance call ;
We're many worlds... apart.
And you know I'm short on money.
the three periods was a nice touch, but i think a stop would have worked better as I hate the three periods thing =]. i think these last lines are being too straightforward and in comparison to the lines preceding, offer too much of a helping hand into the interpretation of the piece.

My breath is short .
It's not because we're laughing hard;
It's not because we're making love,
It's nothing that you're longing for
this was more subtle of an ending, and i like it very much.

Keep your mouth shut.
Everything will be fine.
can't complain, i actually like it alot.


seemed to get progressively better as it went along. was a fairly good piece overall, but i think subtlety in the first two stanzas needs working on, especially with those closing lines. thats just me, and if you intended that, then good job, haha.

if you could take a look at my latest, it's at the top of my sig.
#6
Quote by punchupatatigge
seemed to get progressively better as it went along. was a fairly good piece overall, but i think subtlety in the first two stanzas needs working on, especially with those closing lines. thats just me, and if you intended that, then good job, haha.

if you could take a look at my latest, it's at the top of my sig.


Ahaha, it seems we had the exact oposite views on the song

That's neat. You liked what I didn't like and I liked what you didn't like. I tihnk the way you imagine those last lines of the verses being spoken/sung really determines whether or not they appeal to you.
#7
I liked this alot, especially the 2nd stanza. For an on the spot it's amazing, this is the kind of writing I like, it reminds me of something Ben would write, I love love poems, or poems with any assosiation to love.

Sorry for the short crit, I'll leave a comment on your next to make up for it.
#8
Wow, I actually love the simplicity of this, soemthing that I have been meaning to give a shot myself (no thanks to the story I am writing). Anyway, this is thought did its job of having a little impact and then being on its way. Well done, and don't wrry about returning, unless you really want to.
#9
And how you wish I'd keep on talking
But every word's a long distance call ;
We're many worlds... apart.
And you know I'm short on money.

this feels redundant to me. it could be written more concisely, I think

My breath is short .
It's not because we're laughing hard;
It's not because we're making love,
It's nothing that you're longing for

to me, when I see a list of "it's not because"s I want to see what it is because of. whether you want to fulfill your readers' expectations or surprise them is up to you and can work either way.

Keep your mouth shut.
Everything will be fine.

I like this ending
__________________
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#10
to be completely honest i enjoyed this very much it's reminiscent of 30 seconds to mars. its a little rough around the edges, as stated above the first stanza is awkward it throws off the flow of the whole thing, but very inventive. the second and third stanzas while very memorable, are a bit dry i dont feel the emotion. the fourth stanza particularly the last three lines to me are the best in the whole poem the reppetition and the emotion draw this piece into finality. no discredit to you but the last two lines are unnecessary. overall well written indeed
Last edited by Untested at Jan 11, 2007,
#11
I like how the last line of the first stanza throws you off. It's interesting. The "awkward" feel puts you in the mood that the writer is in and the confusion.

The second stanza is nice and I agree with everything everyone has said about it. I love the doubtfulness.

Third stanza is good. Simple but good. If you would leave a longer space instead of the ... it would give a better feel. But I like the idea because it seperates the words as the characters. Imo you shouldn't remove it.

I agree with mike about the "whys" but it doesn't take away from the piece. I love the last line. I think the up frontness of the end adds to it, we always tell ourselves that and it hardly ever is.

<3
#12
Well, thanks for all those responses. I'm sorry, haven't been on the computer much lately, been very busy with friends and the girlfriend (eh, it doesn't always go bad, as the songs make it seem...)

I'll most likely return comments and crits tomorrow.

Thanks again a loooot to everyone, Mike, punch, BJ, Kyle, Andrew and Tsuno (what's your name?)
#13
i liked it a lot except for the one line:
"my breath is short" just because
you used "short" the line before.
but. good job. i enjoyed it.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Jan 13, 2007,
#14
You would have to sing it slow or it would suck. It reminds me of like a Jimmy Buffet song at the beginning but turns into a Jack Johnson-esque tune, which isnt a bad thing. If its like my _old_ shit then it i understand but send me some other stuff. I wanna read some more. Thanks.
dont complicate life
everything is simple people just can't
see the simplicity in everything
#15
((i love reading your writing. it's consistently excellent.))

Spain.
S----Pain.
No wonder I should have figured that out
before.
((my only suggestion is that you put a comma between "wonder" and "I". Oh, and the line break is a little funky in the last 2 lines))

I don't know what you left over there,
Maybe,
Something like a main artery,
Something that pumps
Quickly.
((again, the line breaks are weird. i'd put it like this:
I don't know what you left over there,
Maybe something
like a main artery,
Something that pumps quickly.))

And how you wish I'd keep on talking
But every word's a long distance call ;
We're many worlds... apart.
And you know I'm short on money.
((surprisingly, this stanza is a bit trite, no lie. "long distance call", "worlds apart" it's very cliche))

My breath is short .
It's not because we're laughing hard;
It's not because we're making love,
It's nothing that you're longing for
((aaagh, you used "short" again. maybe you did it on purpose, but it sounds weird))

Keep your mouth shut.
Everything will be fine.
((hmmm.. i don't know that this takes me anywhere. that's always my gripe about endings: they've got to drop you off someplace different than when you took off.. or at least reveal something. this fall short of doing either))

Good read, but you can do better. I'd love to see a re-write, so let me know

cheers,
edgar
#16
Quote by circular.parade
Wrote this OTS a while back. I happened to fall back on it and like it quite a bit. However, it does need some revising, so I figured out I might as well post it in here. Critiques very welcome, I'll return them all (I owe BJJJJ and Anthony already, don't worry, I'll get to yours)
--------

Spain.
S----Pain.
No wonder I should have figured that out
before.

The third line needs to be reworded. Just take out the "No wonder" and it'll be fine. Or maybe like: "No wonder./I should've figured that out before."

I don't know what you left over there,
Maybe,
Something like a main artery,
Something that pumps
Quickly.

Hmm, something bugs me about this but I'm not sure what. I think the last three lines are redundant.

And how you wish I'd keep on talking
But every word's a long distance call ;
We're many worlds... apart.
And you know I'm short on money.

This isn't exactly original but it's alright. I think "long distance call" stresses the point the third line does already so that line seems unnecessary and redundant.

My breath is short .
It's not because we're laughing hard;
It's not because we're making love,
It's nothing that you're longing for

Is the space between "short" and the period intentinonal? If not, it bugs me. This is good, though again pretty cliche. Not that it's really a problem though. You're not going for original here, and I'd prefer you to stick with something cliche that sounds good rather than write some bullshit about syntax and programming errors.

Keep your mouth shut.
Everything will be fine.

Good ending, though I feel like the poem was slightly unfulfilling in the end. I'm sure that's what you were going for though. It was good overall. I liked it better than some of your recent more unique stuff. IM me if you ever want to talk about anything.


holla
#17
noground4pilot, why did you bump that. it's old.

Please, everybody, get to the latest ones in my sig.

I'm sorry but i already modified this piece, thus the crits don't count much....
sorry. Steve, close this please.
#18
Quote by circular.parade
Wrote this OTS a while back. I happened to fall back on it and like it quite a bit. However, it does need some revising, so I figured out I might as well post it in here. Critiques very welcome, I'll return them all (I owe BJJJJ and Anthony already, don't worry, I'll get to yours)
--------

Spain.
S----Pain.
No wonder I should have figured that out
before.

blah i dont really like this, the spain s----pain thing is kind of overtop especially with the follow up line

I don't know what you left over there,
Maybe,
Something like a main artery,
Something that pumps
Quickly.

i loved this, the last 3 lines are really really nice

And how you wish I'd keep on talking
But every word's a long distance call ;
We're many worlds... apart.
And you know I'm short on money.

this is kind of cliche; the long distance call, worlds apart, ect. id say this needs to be fixed because the stanza before is perfect and so is the next one and this stanza throws off those.

My breath is short .
It's not because we're laughing hard;
It's not because we're making love,
It's nothing that you're longing for

i love this, the flow is perfect

Keep your mouth shut.
Everything will be fine.

beautiful ending. simple and straight to the point


there are a couple stanzas in here like i said that i htink need work and if those are fixed this would be a perfect piece, i really like your writing style.
8.5/10

EDIT: sorry i didnt know you wanted this close, oh well
Last edited by rushmore at Feb 22, 2007,
#19
Honestly, it seems to kind of fizzle out at the end.

The second to last stanza sets up something big, with the whole being out of breath stuff, but never really climaxes.

Honestly, if you added a few lines to that stanza it would be great, because the first three are great, and I love the ending, for all of it's simplicity.

I wish I could say more, but it's late.


And hell, if you feel like sending something my way on my James Caan piece, feel free.
Poor advice.
#20
Thanks Randy, but this piece is like 1 month and a half old. I have now no choice but to report my own thread . if you want to give advice, get to my latest...I'll get to yours before the end of the weekend. (2 am here and doing hmk...so...)