#1
another. I probably owe some critiques, sorry if I missed some from last time, please remind me here and give me an e-slapping.

Crit for crit.

enjoy


Dirty video and a stiff tissue
Hidden under an old big issue
Rolled up soliders count 'em firing
Not the life that I'm aspiring
Empty can of Stella Artois
Paper ladies on the hood of a car
It's stuck on the table
And my friend wasn't able to pry it off

I don't want to get high
I don't want to fly
I don't want to get high
Get high, get high, get high

An acoustic in the corner rotting
Modelling your life on trainspotting
Prangin' out playin on your phone
In the midst of a group, all alone
Unshaven face pressed to a window
Wishing you were in the streets glow
Ignorance is bliss until
Double tops is missed several times

I has never been high
I had never been high
I had never been high
Until I found you
I found you
I found you
I found you
I found you
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jan 10, 2007,
#2
the last 4 lines of the first verse flow poorly, and the last 2 of the second verse... could be fine when making it into a song i guess (assuming its not a poem, sorry if it is). I liked the verses otherwise.
The chorus needs work in my opinion - try to make some metaphors for being high or something, since the chorus is a bit too repititive.
Theres a problem with the final bit - 'i have never been high' is in the present tense, but 'until i found you' is past. You might want to change it to 'i had never been high', so its all in the past tense. Its a bit cliche and repetitive also, but i guess it works.

Would appreciate a crit on this https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=7843006#post7843006
#3
the chorus does need work, which i think is the missing piece of the puzzle. otherwise, good
Green Day rox!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#4
Quote by StonaLemons
the last 4 lines of the first verse flow poorly, and the last 2 of the second verse... could be fine when making it into a song i guess (assuming its not a poem, sorry if it is). I liked the verses otherwise.
The chorus needs work in my opinion - try to make some metaphors for being high or something, since the chorus is a bit too repititive.
Theres a problem with the final bit - 'i have never been high' is in the present tense, but 'until i found you' is past. You might want to change it to 'i had never been high', so its all in the past tense. Its a bit cliche and repetitive also, but i guess it works.

Would appreciate a crit on this https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=7843006#post7843006

what he said

except I don't care if you crit. his piece. and the second stanza bothered me.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#5
I actually really like it i think that the rhymes are good and dont mess with the feeling of the song. I didnt like the last chorus but i can see it working with a kind of psycadelic slow ending. also i dont like the line Modelling your life on trainspotting it sounds forced
but apart from that i like it better than average song i think but hey im english

Crit for Crit https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=7878802#post7878802
Thanks
-Grundy
#6
I really like this, especially the first verse. Its kind of funny and sad at the same time. The chorus seems a bit simple to me though because the rest is so descriptive. Grundy0 is right, English poeple will probably like this more (You're just down the road from me!)

Check out mine if you want

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=499141&highlight=ends+tonight

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=498430&highlight=ends+tonight
#7
for the Englishness

thanks all, I'll get back soonish, snowed under with some Bus Ed coursework at the moment.

Cheers all