#1
First song in awhile. I don't like most of my old songs and I felt like I had to step back and listen to some more music and I deffinately listened to A LOT more music.


Ink Blots

May I pleasantly remind you of the first time that we met
Just a few days after the first of April how could I ever forget?
And I saw you and you saw me and everything else seemed to haunt me
Now I'm crazy and my vision is hazy and I thought that you should know

There's this guy that asks me questions
And I do not know his name
He interrogates me daily
Cause he thinks that I'm insane
He says I should be locked up
They should throw away the key
Then he shows me these ink blots
And he asks me what I see

I'm trying so hard to get you to see me can you please look over here
And if we only could talk for a minute or two I'd try to make everything clear
Cause I like you but I can't tell you is that so hard to understand?
And I want you, yes I want you, Is that okay?

There's this guy that asks me questions
And I do not know his name
He interrogates me daily
Cause he thinks that I'm insane
He says I should be locked up
They should throw away the key
Then he shows me these ink blots
And he asks me what I see

There's this guy that asks me questions
And I do not know his name
He interrogates me daily
Cause he thinks that I'm insane
He says I should be locked up
They should throw away the key
Then he shows me these ink blots
And he asks me what I see

Why don't you choke on the fact
I embarressed myself, I embaressed myself
Cause I wouldn't mind if you were gone
Why don't you choke on the fact
I embarressed myself, I embarressed myself
We all screw up sometimes

These ink blots that you show me make no sense to me at all...
Last edited by private at Jan 9, 2007,
#2
i think i remember some of your previous work...this is definitely an improvement, but a lot of the rhymes still seem very forced. it's better to say exactly what you want to than compromise the message for the sake of rhyming.
#4
Of course I'm not good enough to start telling other people work what's good and what's bad, the only thing that really bothers me is the line "They should throw away the key". That's too cliche, and I hate cliches.

Other than that, there are a few moments where it sounds too much like a forced rhyme, but besides that I think it's pretty cool.
#5
Here's some things I noticed:

In the chorus, I would take out "Cause" out of L4, it seems unecessary and to me it flows better without it.

L2 of the first verse, second half of that line seemed forced for rhyme. I would recommend rephrasing it. You can keep the rhyme, just find a way to do it without tacking on a question at the end. It also is very repetitive seeing how it basically sums up the whole song in one phrase, which is not something you want at the beginning. The ast two lines of that verse are great though, I like the flow.

The last line of the second verse is great flow wise, I just don't like the "Can I do you?". It seems too juvenile and immature which makes the listener not like the guy singing the song, which I will assume is you. It makes this sound like one of those, "I just wanna shag you, then haul ass" songs, you and your song are much better than that. I suggest taking that out and rephrasing it, unless of course that's what you are going for.

Everything else, IMO, is fine. Great job, man. I especially like the end, it closes the song well. With a little revision, this could be awesome. Hope I was some help to you.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#8
I think it needs a bridge or something stating what you see in the ink blots, like just a few lines with random words to help show the confusion. Real choppy and kida crazy sounding is what I hear. I agree with the above crits, there seem to be a few forced rhymes. Might not sound that way with music though. I like the in-line rhyme in line 4.
#9
Its got good flow as far as reading standpoint but you jump between a love song and talking to a cook doctor?? I might have missed it but I never really cought the connection... or are the verses meant to be you talking to yourself? I dunno, but I'm actually really curious about it... other than that I liked it, It's kind of hard to crit anything that hasn't already been said... i don't want to be a broken record... well bro, thanks for the crit and I'll watch for your next piece....