#1
and one more, crit for crit.

For a Baptist, You Sure Can Dance

If living is just slowly dying then all
I want to do, is lay down
with a nice girl, who i can bring home
to mom and dad.

But its so short. And we're
all complaining about irony and free beer.
But the worlds so small
and you just have to get

out

of high school
[about the latest trends and crashes so i can sleep]
and run off to europe.
[for one more night]
because maybe you can find yourself
amid red wine and hand rolled ciggarettes.
#2
The title sounds likes something Panic! At the Disco would make...
"Guitarmen, wake up and pluck wire for sound, let 'em hear you play"
-Charlie Christian
"You have to give people something to dream on"
-Jimi Hendrix
"I try to make any guitar do what I want it to do"
-Slash
#3
Quote by ericgentz
The title sounds likes something Panic! At the Disco would make...



or maybe its from a personal experience that has something to do with the song, thought abotu that?
#4
A few things:

In the first verse, L3, it would sound better if you took out the 'who'. It would flow a bit better and take up the level of the writing up a few notches.

The opening of the second verse it very bland and uninteresting. I would put something a bit stronger there to draw the listener/reader in for the second verse. It doesn't seem to work right there. I think you could get the point across a lot better and create a smoother transition with something else.

L3 of the second verse is a bit cliche, use something stronger than 'small' to get the point across. Same thing with L5 of the third verse.

Other than that, this is pretty good. I would suggest adding more content and putting more imagery in there. With a little revision, this should be great.

Hope this helps.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#5
Quote by nerk13
A few things:

In the first verse, L3, it would sound better if you took out the 'who'. It would flow a bit better and take up the level of the writing up a few notches.

The opening of the second verse it very bland and uninteresting. I would put something a bit stronger there to draw the listener/reader in for the second verse. It doesn't seem to work right there. I think you could get the point across a lot better and create a smoother transition with something else.

L3 of the second verse is a bit cliche, use something stronger than 'small' to get the point across. Same thing with L5 of the third verse.

Other than that, this is pretty good. I would suggest adding more content and putting more imagery in there. With a little revision, this should be great.

Hope this helps.


thank you, i see what you mean about the who. the whole song is actually kind of based off of a silly conversation i had with a good friend and it all fits together and has to do with being cliche and the lack of imagery is this new realist style of writing im trying because im enjoying at this point in time.
#6
I don't see a need for the commas in L2 and L3 of stanza 1. They just seem unnecessary.

The second stanza I didn't reallly like that much except for L2. L1 and L3 just don't seem that well written. Also, in L1 and L3, I don't like the repitition of "but". L4 isn't bad, as it is mainly used for transition.

The last stanza was really good, and I thought it made up for the little mistakes you had earlier on. The only mistake I can find here is that you spelled "newspaper" wrong in L2. Great job here.

This was pretty good. The main advice I can give you is work on that second stanza. Do you think you could give the piece in my sig a crit?