#1
This song needs lots of work, please help.


You still ran to the ocean
after I told you all my fears
So I forgave that you could not realize
why I've never dared to venture
Where the shore turns into sea
I couldn't forget about the depths
Or what gods there may be
I sat and waited patiently
With posiedon at my heel
'Til you returned; bleached to the bone
Pruned and so mistaken at what you all believed
was a boy who could not change himself
for friends who ran past his embrace
While the tide ripped vigorously
So you focus on the forests
Those silver scrapes of green
I follow because you mean everything to me
I've given up everything
I've sold my soul for you alone


When winter's finally over
We all know that then comes spring
I fall into the dark green moss
Where you radiate like a burning sun
like candlelight visions of darkness soon to come
When the sun god is in season again
Who the hell knows what he will bring
Happiness replaced by hellish hiss
From limbs twisted in dismay
The embers glow and give away
A candle light of decay
And the trees have turned to ash
So, you've all gone began to flee
As I walk upon where you once were
The shore pulls me out to sea
And as I sink it becomes blissfully clear
To sell your soul I'd give up everything
#2
I enjoyed the read.

The title cought my eye on the main page so i stoped to take a look.

I think you and I have the same "problem"; too much to say. Ive found my best "songs" are short and to the point. This is a pretty long song/poem. Try taking out some things that dont seem to interfere with the plot. Keep lines short. I think your heading in the right direction and i would love to see the version if you change it.
LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULER
#3
I liked it.

If this is to be a song, I don't see it working very well as it feels too much like an abstract story (so if anythign it would ahve to be folkish/country). As a poem however, I find it excellent and very well written.

I write lots of thigns that don't work well as songs too and I think the reason is that I cannot connect well enough the way people like to hear things described in a common manner.

Overall I did like it, and it was a very enjoyable read.

Here's mine if you'd like:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=501597
#4
Seriously good images. Very descriptive. Reminiscient in some ways of Paul Simon's songwriting ("and the sky was a hazy shade of winter" comes to mind).
Death to Ovation haters!
#5
I enjoyed it a lot.

I found that I had images in my mind the whole time. BUt I have to agree with Tsunoyukami about the song thing. I can't really see this turning into a song. It is a very good poem though. Kudos to you on a job well done

Crit mine... UNtitled/The Story of the Suffering
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