#1
This is my newest piece, I have recently been prescribed meds for back pain (I broke my spine 7 moths ago.....) and I wrote this while I was on them... Sorry if it seems emoish.... not trying to make it that way... as always crit4crit....

These Pills

I don’t want these pills anymore
They make me feel so bad
The pain overtakes my body again
I swallow what makes me sad
The pain dissipates from my body again
I’m left numb, sleeping on the floor

I don’t want these pills anymore
They make me feel so alone
I want you in my life again
I swallow what makes me at home
The pain dissipates from my heart again
I’m left numb, sleeping on the floor

I don’t want these pills anymore
They make me feel so alive
I can’t feel my body again
I swallow what takes my life
The pain dissipates from my body again
I’m left numb, eternally sleeping on the floor

o.k. here is my remade version using these as verses.... I know that it is VERY repetitive, as is my life while taking these stupid pills... let me know what you guys think....


These Pills

My life is passing without my consent
I cannot seem to control myself
My mind is altered to discontent
I cannot seem to love myself
My body is filled with painless content
I cannot seem to break free of myself

These pills have taken my soul
These pills have taken control

I don’t want these pills anymore
They make me feel so bad
The pain overtakes my body again
I swallow what makes me sad
The pain dissipates from my body again
I’m left numb, sleeping on the floor

I watch you leave without saying goodbye
I cannot seem to stop you
I watch you disappear from my life
I cannot seem to care for you
I watch you pull away, disappearing in the light
I cannot seem to go after you

These pills have taken my soul
These pills have taken control

I don’t want these pills anymore
They make me feel so alone
I want you in my life again
I swallow what makes me at home
The pain dissipates from my heart again
I’m left numb, sleeping on the floor

I hear these walls, they’re speaking again
Words of wisdom from my deepest past
I hear your voice, saying I have a friend
Words of anger that will never pass
I hear my mind, I see my end
Words of deceit, they are my last

These pills have taken my soul
These pills have taken control

I don’t want these pills anymore
They make me feel so alive
I can’t feel my body again
I swallow what takes my life
The pain dissipates from my body again
I’m left numb, eternally sleeping on the floor
Last edited by C@sper at Jan 17, 2007,
#2
Its good, and not emoish. Just because something involves pain doesnt mean its emo. and sorry about your back.....i hope you get better and as healthy as you were before EDIT: I like how there is a sort of root for each verse but how it changes and gets worse each time.....really good job
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REVOCATION FTW! 9/9/9
Last edited by PLOP at Jan 10, 2007,
#3
Good god have you been stalking me for the past year or so? I had the same thing... not cause i broke my back, but just a condition thats been goiing in our family for a while, and i had to take these pills too, i hated them so much, made me feel really pathetic, like i couldnt cope on my own so i had to use something to do it for me.

Really love this piece as i can really relate to it as for criticising, its a little repetitive, theres three stanza's all with the same structure, maybe thats what you were going for cause the structure would match the structure of having to take these pills every day...i dont know, but i reckon if you used those as 3 different choruses and then through in some verses with a different structure it would be better, but either way, great piece

care to look at my latest?
thanks
#4
thanks for the crits guys, I have added verses and used the originals as the chorus... and yes, I meant for it to be repetitive, I'm sure you know splej life seems that way when your taking pain meds... so anyways let me know what you think and as always crit4crit.... thanks in advance for any input... later
#5
like u said its a bit repetitive but thats ok . hook is gr8 . i really like the flow although i didnt like this line


I watch you leave without saying goodbye
I cannot seem to stop you
I watch you disappear from my life
I cannot seem to care for you
I watch you pull away, disappearing in the light
I cannot seem to go after you


there can be something better than this . its just weak for a strong verse like that

other than that well writtern i will give u 9/10 . i am deducting 1 point so that u can write better
Hi
#6
yeah it's very repetitive but sure do get down to the point hahaha. very down and deep into the "depressive" ambience, and impressively gut-wrenching in just thinking to bare in such the way you described. But, i just think you should use less repetition in future works because if you chose to go pro, readers would lose interest in your writing, and that's not good!! It also reminds me of myself when i first started taking antidepressants and i felt like if i had to take a pill just to be happy, then there must be something seriously wrong with me, and i felt pathetic. I'm still on them and they really help so it's all good. =] Keep on keeping on, good work!


7/10
#7
man that sucks ass about your back, but it was alright, I agree it was a little repetitive, but it kinda made it better by stressing the point, I thought it was pretty good9/10
#8
The "They make me feel so bad" is cliche, but I like the "I swallow what makes me sad". I understand though, since one is being built off the other.
#9
Good song, I can relate (I have a herniated disk)
The only problem I had is that you describe it as Back pain.
I feel its too set in stone, like someone without backpain couldn't relate.
I would like it better if it were more of a general or metaphorical pain.
And the Discontent / Content rhyme... nah I'm not a fan.