#1
U will slowly fade away
Become another pleasant Just me and you together at last
I’ve waited so long for this chance
I don’t care that it is just a dance
It proves u have forgotten my shabby past
I don’t want this night to end
I think it should last forever
See the rhymes how clever

You are going today
You will slowly fade away
Become another pleasant memory
Good times that’s all you will be
You went special to me

It’s hard to wake up
When we have to brake up
I have met another girl She is now my girlfriend
She treats me better than u ever did
Who were we ever kidding it was all pretend
We should just forget this ever happened
Are future is set in the cement
Nobody was fooled by the way you complement
You were so pretend
I’m glad I got a new girlfriend

You are going today
U will slowly fade away
Become another pleasant memory
Good times that will all you will be
You went special to me

Don’t come back because u don’t mean jack
I’m happy with my girlfriend
I no it might be hard
But you maxed out my credit card
Because when I was with you there was nothing we could do
Stop crying your make up is running
You were nothing but deceitful and cunning

You are going today
U will slowly fade away
Become another pleasant memory
Good times that will all you will be
You went special to me

I never thought you loved me
You didn’t show it in your actions
We are two completely different factions
You should just move along
Pretend I don’t exist

You are going today
memory
Good times that will all you will be
You went special to me
#3
rhyming scheme is nursury type read songwriting help thread and judge it urself this is my best advice to u . i dont want to be harsh just do it
#4
sounds like you've been through something that could produce good lyrics but in my opinion (admittedly new to this) you are stating things too much and should maybe find a way to use your thoughts in a more subtle, hinting kind of way
#5
U will slowly fade away
Become another pleasant Just me and you together at last
I’ve waited so long for this chance
I don’t care that it is just a dance
It proves u have forgotten my shabby past
I don’t want this night to end
I think it should last forever
See the rhymes how clever

A few things-
When you're putting your songs on here, I would suggest not using 'u' instead of 'you'. Go ahead type it out, it'll make it and you look much better.

Pleasant what? I didn't exactly get this line, maybe it's just me.

Try not to use "I think" in your song, if it's coming from you, like in this context, "I think" isn't necessary. Readers/listeners can figure it out who thinks it, give them some credit. So I would suggest taking that out and replacing it with something better.

In this verse, I would try to use more colorful language, as my LA teacher would say, and spice it up a bit. Use stronger verbs and more spefic imagery, most of all avoid generic lines.


You are going today
You will slowly fade away
Become another pleasant memory
Good times that’s all you will be
You went special to me

Mix it up a bit, try not to use you to start your lines so much. Mess with different sentence structures and verbals. Stronger verbs here as well.
I
t’s hard to wake up
When we have to brake up
I have met another girl She is now my girlfriend
She treats me better than u ever did
Who were we ever kidding it was all pretend
We should just forget this ever happened
Are future is set in the cement
Nobody was fooled by the way you complement
You were so pretend
I’m glad I got a new girlfriend

Okay, there was alot of repetition here. Here's a few specific things-

That was way too obivious. Try to find a more subtle way to say you have a new girlfriend instead of coming right out and saying it.

That line sounded really forced to me. I know you're trying to set up a meter and rhyming, but don't compromise the song's content or the flow to do it. I would suggest rewriting this line.



You already used most of everything said in the last two lines at the beginning of the verse. Try not to dwell on one thing too long, it may bore the reader/listener.

Stronger verbs needed in this verse as well.

You are going today
U will slowly fade away
Become another pleasant memory
Good times that will all you will be
You went special to me

Don’t come back because u don’t mean jack
I’m happy with my girlfriend
I no it might be hard
But you maxed out my credit card
Because when I was with you there was nothing we could do
Stop crying your make up is running
You were nothing but deceitful and cunning

For this verse, I would suggest forgetting about rhyming and rewriting this.


You are going today
U will slowly fade away
Become another pleasant memory
Good times that will all you will be
You went special to me

I never thought you loved me
You didn’t show it in your actions
We are two completely different factions
You should just move along
Pretend I don’t exist

This is probably the best verse. The last two lines flowed pretty well.

You are going today
memory
Good times that will all you will be
You went special to me

Overall, this isn't so bad. Just needs some revision. Like someone said before, I would suggest you read the lyrics tip thread, just for some pointers. This song could be okay with some work. Hope this helps.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#6
This definately has potential but I think it needs a bit of work. First of all you need to check your spelling and change the "u"s.

"I think it should last forever
See the rhymes how clever"

This made me laugh, pretty cool.


You didn’t show it in your actions
We are two completely different factions

I really like this bit as well but maybe if you changed it to "we were like two different factions" it would have a better rhythm.

Thanks for your comments on mine as well.
#7
I liked it, nice writing- 7/10- once you've put the music in maybe 8/10...
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DISCO IS DEAD!

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(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


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Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!