#1
This is the second song I've ever written but I'm pretty happy with it. The verses are ska up strokes and the chorus' are power chords so it's kinda a punk ska song
Any crits or tips to fix it up will be aprreciated

Verse1:
Somethings not right today
Things just aren't going my way
Yeah my way
I feel like theres somthin' deep inside of me
that's Slowly tearin' me apart

Chorus:
Cuz' I'm a hollow man
Without your love
I need you here tonight
Theres an empty place inside of me
When your not by myside
So just take my hand
And stay with me all night
Cuz' I'm a hollow man without your love

Verse2:
I feel so lost
when your not around
so hopeless so alone
So stay with me tonight
Don't let the fire die

Crit4Crit
With an irresistible blend of reggae induced hip-hop and catchy pop-punk hooks, Half Chance Heroes captivates audiences with their unique sound and energetic stage show. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8bSU0u8uvM
#2
i like it, it has really good imagary. i really like how the corus starts with im a hollow man, and ends with it too. well written!
If every simple song i wrote
would take your breath away
i'd write it all
#3
well, for a punk/ska song it will work nicely... and yes its a bit cliche but with that out of the way, I dont care for the dont let the fire die line... it seems like its thrown in there, maybe change it to something that relates to staying the night... other than that, are you going to add any more or is that it? 6/10 not bad, bro

crit4crit? link in sig
#4
honestly, i like it...especially for the genre i think it would work really well and the chorus is good
#5
Its good, i can see the verses fitting very well with ska chords.
The chorus is also good, but the 'without your love' at the end seems to mess up the flow to me. Don't think i've heard anyone using the metaphor hollow man before either which is always a good thing.
#6
At first it didnt really grasp me, but i went through it again, and i think theres some stuff in there with real potential...
firstly the second time through i noticed that its supposed to be a ska/punk type song.... with that in mind, it made reading it much easier, and it flowed alot better.
First time i read through it, everytime i saw "hollow man" i got the image of Kevin Bacon becoming invisible and going insane....but realising i was being silly i put that out of mind haha. With that out the way i liked it alot more
My main criticism would be that for a punk song, i think it should have a stronger rhyming scheme, just my opinion, but i think that a punk/ska song, should have some pretty simple rhymes in it.... not so much obvious ones, but just to help the fast pace of the song.
hope thats a help.
#7
Quote by Descendent-182


Verse1:
Somethings not right today
Things just aren't going my way
Yeah my way
I feel like theres somthin' deep inside of me
that's Slowly tearin' me apart
the only thing i dont like is L3, it does nothing for the song....but its yours and its kinda a give or take thing, if you want it there leave it, i just dont like it

the rest is good though...but i feel like the last line needs to rhyme with "way" or "me" or maybe even some internal rhyming whould be better, but i cant think of how to do it, so thats kindof pointless to say, it just feels like it should rhyme.

Chorus:
Cuz' I'm a hollow man
Without your love
I need you here tonight
Theres an empty place inside of me
When your not by myside
So just take my hand
And stay with me all night
Cuz' I'm a hollow man without your love
i think you should take out the first " 'Cuz ", just "im a hollow man" would be better IMO the rest is good,

strong chorus. a bit cheché but the quality of the rest of the lyrics defeats it.

Verse2:
I feel so lost
when your not around
so hopeless so alone
So stay with me tonight
Don't let the fire die
i like this last stanza ok, its decent to say the least. but i dont like the last line "fire die" too over used and cleché maybe find another rhyiming line or add "im a hollow man" that would be good IMO. but do change the last line this is different than above when i said its you song and do what you want... that line needs to be replaced.
Crit4Crit



i like it other than the stuff i said you should change.

5/10 if you leave it the way it is 7.5/10 if you make those changes.

a return crit on one of the songs in my sig would be great, a full crit on one would be nice or a simple crit on all three. sorry, i just think that people should match crits when someone gives a full crit, i dont expect anything except a return crit, but you know.

thanks.
Last edited by TonyRandall at Jan 10, 2007,